This was a huge week for trailers, what with The Magnificent Seven remake looking like an Old West Equalizer, and xXx: The Return of Xander Cage… jungle skiing. Jungle. Skiing. Just amazing. There’s also the Suicide Squad extended Joker trailer that offers a greater look at Method Man himself, Jared Leto. Additionally, Emily Blunt loses her freaking mind in the trailer for The Girl on the Train, and let’s not forget all of the action we’ve seen ahead of Star Trek Beyond’s release. Wowzers, are we spoiled or what?
Somehow, there are still more trailers that we haven’t checked out this week, so let’s get the ball rolling with the most horrifying Halloween film that has ever been made…
Boo! A Madea Halloween
Directed by: Tyler Perry
Starring: Tyler Perry, Bella Thorne, some popular YouTube people
What’s it about?
Madea winds up in the middle of mayhem when she spends a haunted Halloween fending off killers, paranormal poltergeists, ghosts, ghouls and zombies while keeping a watchful eye on a group of misbehaving teens. [IMDb]
As perhaps the world’s biggest fan of Undercover Brother, a sorely underrated comedy, I am upset that Tyler Perry’s latest Madea retread has stolen the “I see white people” joke. Very disappointing, Mr. Perry. But that doesn’t seem to hurt its chances with the demographic that enjoys Madea movies: YouTube commenters. Look at the praise being sung in the comments on that trailer. It’s even scarier than a zombie that can apparently sprint and do a sideways flip. Nothing makes sense anymore. Madea scares comedy away on October 21.
Hands of Stone
Directed by: Jonathan Jakubowicz
Starring: Edgar Ramirez, Robert De Niro, Ellen Barkin, Ana de Armas, Usher
What’s it about?
The legendary Roberto Duran and his equally legendary trainer Ray Arcel change each other’s lives. [IMDb]
I always laugh when people ask, “People still watch boxing?” when they hear how much Floyd Mayweather Jr. makes for avoiding being punched. What’s funny is that no matter how boring (or barbaric) people think the sport may be, boxing movies are the best. There’s just something about the choreography and storytelling of a boxing movie that makes it so compelling, even in the case of a true story in which we know the ending. What I’m trying to say is Diggstown is one of the best movies ever made. Hands of Stone looks fantastic and knocks us out on August 26.
Moana
Directed by: Ron Clements, John Musker
Starring: Auli’i Cravalho, Dwayne Johnson, Alan Tudyk
What’s it about?
A young woman uses her navigational talents to set sail for a fabled island. Joining her on the adventure is her hero, the legendary demi-god Maui. [IMDb]
Prediction: Between Moana, the Fast and Furious movies, Ballers, WrestleMania appearances, his new YouTube channel, the Muscle Beach show he just sold, Doc Savage, Baywatch, Jumanji, however many Central Intelligence sequels are made, Shazam!, San Andreas 2, and whatever else The Rock is cooking, Dwayne Johnson is going to be the wealthiest man in the world by 2020. That has little to do with an animated movie for kids, but it’s probably going to come true. Moana entertains your screaming children for two hours on November 23.
The Edge of Seventeen
Directed by: Kelly Fremon
Starring: Hailee Steinfeld, Blake Jenner, Woody Harrelson
What’s it about?
High-school life gets even more unbearable for Nadine when her best friend, Krista, starts dating her older brother. [IMDb]
I don’t know much about this movie, but I desperately want an entire movie about Woody Harrelson as a mean teacher. Like, a bad teacher even. Can you imagine such a thing? A bad teacher. Now that’s a movie I’d watch. The Edge of Seventeen opens on September 30.
Hell or High Water
Directed by: David Mackenzie
Starring: Chris Pine, Ben Foster
What’s it about?
A divorced dad and his ex-con brother resort to a desperate scheme in order to save their family’s farm in West Texas. [IMDb]
This looks like a really sweaty, dirty Robin Hood tale. What happens when the residents of a small town feel like the bank is robbing them and then the bank is robbed? I reckon the law is gonna have a hard time getting people to talk, based on this latest trailer for Hell or High Water. Looks like you picked the wrong side this time, Lebowski. Hell or High Water comes on August 12.
In a Valley of Violence
Directed by: Ti West
Starring: Karen Gillan, John Travolta, Ethan Hawke
What’s it about?
A mysterious stranger and a random act of violence drag a town of misfits and nitwits into the bloody crosshairs of revenge. [IMDb]
This one has me intrigued. All I could think watching this was it’s like someone made a Western horror, and sure enough Ti West has some fun horror experience under his belt. If it’s just a straight Western, it comes across as a poor man’s Tarantino knock-off, but the way that this trailer is presented, it just looks like it’s going to be a lot of stupid fun. I’m sold. Head into the Valley on October 21.
Skiptrace
Directed by: Renny Harlin
Starring: Jackie Chan, Johnny Knoxville, Bingbing Fan
What’s it about?
A detective from Hong Kong teams up with an American gambler to battle against a notorious Chinese criminal. [IMDb]
I want to think this one might have the charm and cheesiness of vintage Chan movies, but Knoxville and Harlin make me think that’s a tall order. Really, it just seems like a recycled good guy and “bad” guy team up to stop the real bad guy story that has been done often and much better than this. At least it has former WWE Diva Eve Torres in it. Gotta look for the positive, friends. Skiptrace opens on September 2.
Before I Wake
Directed by: Mike Flanagan
Starring: Jacob Tremblay, Kate Bosworth, Thomas Jane
What’s it about?
A young couple adopt an orphaned child whose dreams – and nightmares – manifest physically as he sleeps. [IMDb]
I cannot stress this enough: stop adopting orphans, movie couples. They’re either older than they appear and trying to murder the mom so they can seduce the dad, or their dreams and nightmares turn into realities. Leave them all in the orphanage and let them bother each other instead. Wake up on September 9.
A Tale of Love and Darkness
Directed by: Natalie Portman
Starring: Natalie Portman, Shira Haas, Ohad Knoller
What’s it about?
A drama based on the memoir of Amos Oz, a writer, journalist, and advocate of a two-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. [IMDb]
This one hits theaters on August 19, which strikes me as odd. I would have pegged it as a November release so Portman could get some awards buzz for directing. Maybe she’s overly confident that she’s going to win all of the awards so she doesn’t care about when it is released. Best of luck, Portman, but you’re going to need all the luck to beat Tyler Perry.
For the Love of Spock
Directed by: Adam Nimoy
Starring: Chris Pine, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg
What’s it about?
An examination of the enduring appeal of Leonard Nimoy and his portrayal of Spock in Star Trek (1966). [IMDb]
I hope this documentary is 10 hours of people talking about how much they love Leonard Nimoy, because I would watch that twice. Spock is currently available for pre-order on iTunes.
