The Western Conference Playoffs: A Dime Roundtable

If you missed the Eastern Conference Roundtable, this is its Western Conference counterpart. Below is a breakdown of each series, with exclusive insight from various experts, including the shady AAU guy, the 12th man on your school team and that Laker fan who wears $400 sunglasses. Again, we recommend using this information to place large bets on your hometown team, unless you live somewhere other than Texas or California.

San Antonio–Memphis

The Grizzlies’ final push into the playoffs unfolded with the grace and tact of a Chris Dudley free throw. With the sixth seed in play, and a chance to face a Mavericks team that they matched up well with, Memphis morphed into the Washington Generals. In their blind panic to avoid the Lakers, the Grizzlies sank into the eighth seed and were paired with the Spurs. For their part, San Antonio has once again rolled into the playoffs with virtually no fanfare. This can likely be attributed to Tiago Splitter losing his highlighted tips, which were outstanding.

Seasonal Lakers fan: This is Hollywood, baby! (Puts on $400 shades, rides bus) Timmy Duncan? Ahhight. We give him props. But we have the Mamba, suckas! Do you see that thing where he puts his bottom teeth out? Timmy Duncan don’t have a face like that.

Shady AAU guy: I’ll take the Grizzlies and the points. Hmmmm. Yeah. (Pulls toothpick out of gold case, puts in mouth) Have I ever told you that you remind me of a young Keyon Dooling? Hmmmm. Let’s get together sometime, you and me. I think with the right direction, you know, you could go places.

12th man on your school team: Woo! Good hustle, guys! (Sees on-court fight, forms human shield to hold back teammates) DE-FENSE! (Clap clap clapclapclap) This series? Wow. That’s an interesting one. I’d have to say that—SCREEN! SCREEN RIGHT! FIGHT THROUGH!

L.A. Lakers–New Orleans

The Lakers arrive in the postseason in the throes of their annual regular season swoon. This should not be cause for concern, no more than the threat of a pack of ninjas attacking Pau Gasol in the locker room. And you know they’d go for Gasol first. (Probably Shannon Brown after that.)

Things are slightly less optimistic for New Orleans. David West is out and Chris Paul is on one leg, though Chris Paul on one leg can still get to the hole against the L.A. point guards. Other than that, the Hornets have nice uniforms.

Mavericks fan: Let’s not underestimate the hunger of Chris Paul. I like the Hornets in six. What? I’m serious!

Irrational Jordan fan: Don’t talk to me about Kobe. WEAK. MJ had less talent around him than any champion in the history of the NBA—Pippen was nothing but a poor man’s Shawn Marion. Kobe couldn’t carry MJ’s kicks. (Polishes VHS copy of Space Jam) Here’s another thing about Jordan—he would never have lost in the playoffs like Kobe has! (Blocks out 1984-90, ’94)

Seasonal Lakers fan: You can’t beat a champion, baby! WE’VE GOT JACK! Kobe is a killer, a stone cold killer. No one takes tougher contested fadeaways than my man Bryant! DENZEL! SANDLER! (Takes cell phone picture of Laker Girls)

Dallas–Portland

This series has become the designated Upset Series, to the degree that the Blazers no longer have a bandwagon, but a sort of gypsy caravan of snarky pundits. To be fair, the Mavericks enter the playoffs with a pronounced shortage of talent, confidence and Caron Butlers. On the other hand, Rick Carlisle looks really smart. As far as Portland goes, they have over a decade of bad playoff karma, from the Sean Elliott shot to the fourth quarter collapse against the Lakers. Working in their favor is Marcus Camby‘s fabulous set-shot jumper and, you know, everything about Gerald Wallace.

Shady AAU guy: Hmmm. I’ll take the Mavericks in seven. Dirk is my boy. And you’re my boy—did you know that? Yeah. I think you’ve got what it takes. You need some new shoes? I can get you some new shoes. (Pulls out snake skin wallet) You can always come to Uncle Teddy when you need something…

Hot girl in your apartment complex: I think Blake Griffin‘s freckles are kind of cute, you know?

Aging white sportswriter: Isn’t the real story here Kevin Love? I mean, this guy is TREMENDOUS. Have you seen his outlet passes? UNSELD-LIKE. Let’s talk about how he plays the game with smarts. Is he the next Cowens? His passion. His motor. You can’t teach this stuff. Let’s talk about him being the MVP. That’s right, I said it—Kevin Love for MVP. Heck, why not for Finals MVP? I don’t care if his team finished 17-65, I WANT KEVIN LOVE FOR FINALS MVP!

Oklahoma City-Denver

There are two schools of thought here: First, that the Thunder are a complete team with Kendrick Perkins and are ready to plow through the Spurs and Lakers and reach the NBA Finals. The other school of thought is that they are woefully unprepared for the favorite role and will immediately fold. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of in between. Denver, meanwhile, has responded to getting dumped by losing fifteen pounds and hitting the clubs in that cocktail dress they used to wear. They’re looking good.

12th man on your school team: I like the Nuggets, of course! You don’t need star power to win! (Crowd chants his name during blowout) It’s all about heart, you know? You just need to go out there, give it your all, and do all the little things to make your team successful! (Coach calls his name with one minute left, crowd goes crazy) Nuggets in six! I gotta go foul somebody!

Drunken frat guy at the bar: Brah, you gotta know…you just GOTTA KNOW. And here’s my thing with Carmelo—he’s just…I dunno. He needs to, like, stop ICING HIS BROS, you know? And Chris Andersen—that guy FREAKING RULES, DUDE! Have you seen his hair? That’s tight. My pick? I’m taking the Nuggets in three, brah. Write it down. WINNING! (Turns to friend) You see what I did there? I was totally ripping off Sheen!

Cavaliers fan: (Wearing 76ers gear) Kyrie Irving, we love you! We can be witnesses again!

What are you hearing in your roundtable? What first round series are you looking forward to the most?

Follow Dime on Twitter at @DimeMag.

Become a fan of Dime Magazine on Facebook HERE.

×