Charlie Sheen’s Winners & Losers From Game 1

Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen

So the Heat won and the Mavs lost. Pretty simple. But if you watched the game closely, some other winners and losers definitely slid into the conversation. So here’s to you, unsung heroes. And losers, try again in Game 2.

Winners

NBA Fans: The first game time commercial break wasn’t until the 5:30 mark of the first quarter. An impressive feat considering the monumental commercial-fest that usually ruins any semblance of momentum or flow that the NBA Finals attempts to find.

Juwan Howard: For getting in the game! And he grabbed an offensive rebound! I have to stop now before I blow a gasket.

Erik Spoelstra: Midway through the first quarter, ABC simultaneously played an interview with Spoelstra and the first quarter action. For those of you paying close attention, you may have noticed that Spoelstra had stubble, as if he were trying to grow a beard. So kudos to you, Mr. Spoelstra, for hitting puberty.

Mike Miller: For exceeding the previously established gear maximum (known as the Allen Iverson line). Miller’s repetoire included an entire left arm sleeve (up through the shoulder), right wrist band, two knee braces, thumb braces on both hands, right forearm sweat band and last but not least, high socks. He was only missing a headband, neck brace and eye-black.

The Rim: For wagging its Dikembe finger at Jason Terry in the second quarter and Brendan Haywood in the third. The best part? Haywood’s fiasco came right after Van Gundy praised him as an “NBA starter.”

Rick Carlisle: For switching to zone in the second quarter. It completely stifled Miami’s attack and reenergized the Mavs.

Miami’s Crowd: For showing up before halftime! And they actually made noise! I’m getting too excited again.

Doris Burke: For wearing the craziest silver blazer of all time. It was glistening.

Doris Burke’s microphone: I can’t even describe it. It had a moving, flag-like screen on it. Totally unnecessary, but totally enjoyed.

LeBron James’ Three Ball: Four of five from distance, including an NBA 2K11 style fadeaway from the right side. Although he needs to work on his celebrations.

Dwyane Wade: For actually showing up in the fourth and secretly padding all his stats when the game was already over.

Mike Breen: For having a coronary after the LeBron James and one dunk in the fourth quarter. Who knew he could react with something other than “BANG!”

NBA Camera Crew: For zooming in on a fat guy celebrating after the Wade to LeBron alley-oop near the end of the game. You would think they would choose a hot girl, but no.

Around The Web

Featured

America’s First Dog Cafe Is Nothing Like You’d Expect…It’s Better

By: 05.05.16

This 25-Year-Old Running For Congress Defies Millennial Stereotypes

Crucial Advice About Fear And Adventure From An Amazon Explorer

A Fact-Soaked Odyssey Through Kentucky’s Bourbon Country

This Woman Is Fighting The Stigma Of Sex Work In America In Hopes Of Getting Her Child Back

‘We Went To The Moon In 1969’: How The ‘Even Stevens’ Musical Episode Changed The Disney Channel Forever

M.T. Anderson Correctly Predicted Your ‘Feed’ Back In 2002, Are You Ready To Hear What He Says Is Coming Next?

Kenya’s Massive Ivory Burn Should Light A Fire Under Us All

Returning To The Boston Marathon Offered A Lesson In Facing Fears

Is There More To The Adam Walsh Story?

Stand-Up Comedy Scared The Hell Out Of Me, So I Decided To Give It A Shot

W. Kamau Bell On Joking With The KKK For CNN And Quoting Malcolm X In His New Special