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I know I owe you a DimeBag, so withdraw the attack dogs and shelve your scathing words of antagonism. It’s here. Enjoy the next 10 minutes of ignoring your school/work responsibilities and join in on the pointless ramblings of usually un-resolvable and socially obscure quandaries.
Jesus Shuttlesworth, NY:
I won the Dime Ultimate Movie Baller Tournament! Whaddup!
Congratulations, Mr. Shuttlesworth. Let me take this opportunity to address some backlash regarding a one Sidney Deane. Many of you felt his absence from the tournament was appalling â€“ shameful, even. A disgrace to Dime’s knowledge of basketball movies. Well, guess what? You’re wrong and I hate you.
Billy Hoyle was blatantly better than Sidney Deane throughout White Men Can’t Jump. For those of you who have forayed into the world of manly egoism, you know that half the battle of a game of one-on-one is mental maturity/stability. In such a short game, a bad attitude will find you sitting on the sidelines eating McDonald’s and complaining to officials with DeMarcus Cousins. Billy Hoyle was, and is (because his character is immortal, obviously) the master of trash talk. Even though it had that, “aw shucks” goading aura to it, it was manipulating and effective.
If you want to play the skill game, Hoyle did take down Deane at the beginning of the movie in a shooting contest. So there! But seriously, back to my insightful dissection of an important matter. Hoyle wins on swag. In a game of five-on-five, it’s not that big an issue. The swagging idiots get their buckets but kill their teams in the process. They foster selfishness and resentment, and pull the already non-existent team chemistry further apart. One-on-one just doesn’t have this. The mental edge is huge, especially when skill levels are generally the same. Should Hoyle have advanced to the finals? Maybe not â€“ but he’s damn well pesky enough to pull something like that off.
What percentage of people do you think actually wash their hands after going to the bathroom?
According to a quick Google search (I’m pretty sure if everyone’s Google search history were made public, we’d all be equally appalled. For instance, I searched “Hairy Indian man” one time only because someone told me that one of the Google Images of “Hairy Indian man” was someone he thought he knew. It wasn’t, but it’s forever in my search history. Feel free to share your weirdest searches in the comments â€“ I’m sure I’ve done weirder, I just can’t remember.), only 82% of people wash their hands after using the bathroom. I only have to say one thing about that: It’s totally false.
The number is more like 40%. Don’t lie. If you’re alone in the bathroom, you don’t wash your hands. There’s no reason to, really. Sure, you may get a little extra drip on yourself, but do you really care? No. I constantly cough into my hands and do nothing. I pee and don’t wash my hands sometimes. Yep, I’m admitting it. And if you don’t, you’re lying. Because you and I both subscribe to the arbitrary rules of societal peer pressure. If other people are around, you totally change your behavior. When I’m alone in my home, I make weird noises and do all sorts of other stuff that no one wants to hear about. But we all do it. Either that or I’m just a total outlier that has unnecessarily gone public with my crude behavior. Whatever. I’m convinced I’m right.
Anyway, back to urination. Here’s where I have the real problem â€“ people that, when in your company in the bathroom, don’t wash their hands. Honestly, I don’t even care about the supposed sanitary hazard. I’m just upset that I have to go back to my group of friends and feign outrage that I’ve witnessed such a travesty. Because for whatever reason we all feel the need to validate our subservience to societal rules even when it’s not in question (or true, for that matter). One of these days I’m going to count the amount of lies I tell in a day. And the worst part is I don’t even lie for a purpose. It just comes out for no reason. Like the other day I claimed to someone that I could chug a 32-ounce Gatorade in three seconds. Not at all true. Why did I do this? No clue. He wasn’t even that impressed â€“ it was more of a “thanks for the random fact of the day” reaction. And now, for the rest of our relationship, I have to keep up this lie in case he ever tells someone. If I’m ever tested, I’m screwed.
One last note: The whole, “run your hands under water and ignore the soap dispenser” doesn’t count as washing your hands. If you’re going to make the effort to pretend to care about being sanitary, at least go all out. Go big or go home, that’s what I say.