DimeBag: The Weekly Dime Mailbag, Volume XII

DimeBag

DimeBag (design. Ryan Hurst)

HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown.

A quick note before we get underway: The DimeBag is running low. Your questions/comments and stories, thus far, have supplied just enough sustenance to survive – for a baby gazelle. I’m almost two hundred pounds. Up the ante and send me your submissions. If you haven’t heard, our five-year-old sandbox fight has driven the NBPA to decertify and call in the adults. So while each side sits in timeout in opposite corners, you’ve only got me. So feed the engine before I go on strike, accuse Dime‘s fearless leader, Aron Phillips, of unfair labor practices and undermine his credibility through juvenile media attacks and unverifiable truth-bending. Don’t push me, I SWEAR.

And now, to release my pent-up aggression, your NBA Fight of the Week. Joakim Noah vs. Anderson Varejao:

If either of these guys were six inches shorter, they’d be that quietly adept big man in your work league whose hair would cause you to question general hygiene practices.

Anyway, two caveats for the fight: Neither man is allowed to take a charge. Flops are auto DQs. I’m sorry, I know I’ve taken 64% of their offensive arsenals away, but rules are rules. Bookies, adjust accordingly. On the flip side, hair cannot be used as a weapons or lassos.

So who wins? Anderson Varejao, of course. In a battle of arch nemeses, the original usurper of power always loses. In 2007, Noah entered the league with his crazy hair and ugly free throws. Varejao, meanwhile, was just beginning to get recognized alongside LeBron as that dude who comes up with timely rebounds and pisses the crap out of every NBA player. But two years later and Noah was doing exactly that, except he was better. Varejao was, by all accounts, a gimmick of sorts. The crazy looking guy who does crazy looking things on the court. But, somehow, it worked. When someone steals your gimmick, you fight back. Except LeBron left Cleveland, Derrick Rose exploded to become the MVP, and Varejao was left with the rotting fatty tissue of Baron Davis and playing second fiddle to Noah. This is Varejao’s one chance to repay that thieving scoundrel for his treachery. That said, Noah has too much pride to put down the gloves and take a beating. As long as his hand doesn’t get caught in Varejao’s hair, he’ll probably land a few haymakers here and there to make things interesting. But in a battle of visceral savages, I’ll take the one with more motivation.

More importantly, I think we can all agree that both of these guys could use a few punches to the face to better their luck with the ladies.

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