It happens every year without fail: the NCAA basketball tournaments start, everybody gets all hyped up about some of the best college sports watching there will be all year, everyone settles in for the first few days of non-stop basketball madness, and then the commercials start. “Commercials” with an “s” is accurate in that there are definitely multiple commercials happening, but the plurality of ads still isn’t nearly enough to reduce the eventual repetitiveness of each spot.
After the first day, there are inklings of which commercials might be in the running for the worst offenders. After the second morning of games that list is pretty much set. From that point on every time somebody flips to CBS, TBS, TNT, or TruTV, they are risking further aggravation because Capital One didn’t have the time and energy to film one or two extra commercials to slot in during week two.
Now this, this, is March.
The March that makes people turn against brands after half a dozen instances of the same commercial in the span of only a few commercial breaks. The March that can single handedly decimate a brand’s good will because they didn’t realize how even a lovable celebrity celebrity can get annoying faster than you can say “unlimited miles with no blackout dates.” This is March, and these are those commercials.
Brand names have not been changed to protect the innocent, because no one on this list is innocent in the face of earworm jingles, nauseating jokes, or cheesy celebrity cameos. Join us then, won’t you, for a list of the commercials driving everybody absolutely up a wall while they are trying to simply enjoy some buzzer beating shots (or, more likely for this year, some late-game possessions that never really amount to anything).
AT&T – Parking Booth
The worst offender out of this entire bunch, and it’s not even close, is this year’s AT&T ad that has Dan Finnerty of The Dan Band fame singing “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” while paying a parking lot attendant, complete with a hideous suit and car microphone. It was marked as one of the most annoying ads this year before the tournament was only a few hours old and for very good reasons. Which is a shame, because Finnerty and his “Dan Band” bits are reliably humorous and usually a joy to watch or listen to. He didn’t make it into Old School or The Hangover by not being a funny person.
There are multiple problems with this though, including the fact that what makes The Dan Band funny is their ability to add swears to their parody songs or twist lyrics into dirty references. Obviously, that’s a no go on national television. Also, any commercial that utilizes either a classic song or a parody of a classic song is instantaneously going to rocket to the top of the “this commercial makes people want to tear their hair out” rankings.
It doesn’t matter if you have Dan Finnerty singing or an adorable seventh giving it a shot, parody songs in commercials will eventually backfire on whatever brand is using that strategy. Lastly, there’s a huge plot hole here because the parking lot attendant is a Purdue fan and everybody knows those don’t exist in the wild.
Subway – “Game Day
Dear lord no. Just no. Listening to Dick Vitale during a game is mostly fine seeing as he does add some fun and humor into the proceedings especially during slow moments or in drastic blowouts. But even then Dickie V’s signature vocalizations can wear on people and be tiring by the time the final buzzer sounds. So it’s no surprise that Vitale’s exhortations can be grating if tacked onto the end of an already semi-ridiculous Subway commercial that centers on discussing impossible sporting achievements.
If Dickie V were in a Subway commercial all on his own, or the main premise of this commercial could stand alone without him, it might be different. But as is, the entire thing comes across like Subway was already paying Dickie V a pretty penny to be part of their campaign but nobody on the creative team could come up with something that worked, so he had to be tacked on to an already annoying idea. Whatever the reason, please make it stop.
Capital One – “Steaks”
This is the commercial that seems to have most people divided thus far. On one side are people who think this is actually an hilarious bit, in which Charles Barkley makes a “steaks on a plane” pun while flying with Samuel L. Jackson and then reveals he’s been waiting to drop that line ever since the movie came out … in 2006. On the other side are people who have no interest in such clever and well-delivered puns. There’s actually a middle ground here though, and one that is indicative of why not having enough commercials is such a travesty.
The problem is this is a surprisingly funny commercial from Capital One, but only for the first seven times or so. I laughed, and I’m sure other people out there did too. But even a quality pun coming from Barkley himself can’t stand up to the annoyances that come with an unending cycle of the same bit. There are other Capital One commercials that never seem to take even one commercial break off — Jennifer Garner’s latest and the Barkley & Crew “clapper” bit to name just a few — but this is the one that will stick with people.
Sonic
GET BACK IN THE DAMN CAR. PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU.
*takes deep breath*
Okay, now that that’s over with, let’s address this calmly and reasonably. Is there anything more unnerving than seeing the Sonic guys being out of their car? The first time this commercial came on I involuntarily screamed “NO WAY!” at the TV. These guys are supposed to have laps and be filmed at unflattering angles while holding a hot dog, not be casually leaning against a convertible with a seemingly endless frozen drink supply and the mood lighting of an 80’s romcom.
This commercial is unnatural and violates the rules of basic human decency. Fix it Sonic, for the love of all that is good and holy, fix it.
Enterprise – “If Only”
Definitely file this one under that “lovable celebrity that gets annoying fast” tab, which is actually impressive on Enterprise’s part since Bell and her equally comedic husband have been part of ultra-repetitive Samsung commercials for over a year now and those haven’t gotten old yet. This is just another victim of the same (perfectly serviceable) jokes being driven into the ground over and over again every 12.5 minutes.
There’s nothing the company can really do here besides have a fresh take ready right after the tournament ends to wash the bad taste out of people’s mouths. But there is something the audience can do and that’s get up to grab a fresh beer rather than watch Bell make another Frozen reference.
Visit Las Vegas – “Buzzer Beaters”
This spot started behind the eight ball because it’s not that different from previous “What Happens Here Stays Here” commercials. However, that’s entirely their own fault seeing as it was the tourism board’s own choice to not spend the money for a completely new commercial and instead modify an existing one that has been running for months on end.
All they had to do was film one shot of a man’s arm reaching for the phone instead of a women’s, and have him asking what time the basketball starts instead of what time the spa opens. Which might be a little bit sexist? But mostly it’s just boring and repetitive due to a supreme lack of creativity on Vegas’ part.
Buffalo Wild Wings – “Number 7”
Everyone loves Buffalo Wild Wings, and this isn’t even the worst commercial they’ve ever done. But it is probably the most bothersome for one reason and one reason only: the number seven is not a legal number to wear in the game of basketball. The fake player in this commercial is already wearing a genuine Louisville jersey, so branding rules weren’t an issue here, and the NCAA has ruled that schools can sell jerseys with numbers on them just not player names which means a number that a current player is wearing on the roster would have been fine here.
This commercial does get more annoying as it goes along, but mostly it just needles at the audience because of one weird detail.
