Seinfeld: The Greatest Authority On The NBA Draft (Part 2)

06.21.11 6 years ago 5 Comments
Tristan Thompson

Tristan Thompson (photo. UT Athletics)

Picks 11-20 of the NBA Draft are tainted. Damaged goods. George’s fabled red dot-ruined cashmere sweater. There’s just something wrong, something incomplete. That’s why they fall out of the top 10. Last week I covered the sacred teachings of “Seinfeld” as they relate to picks 1-10 of the Dime Mock Draft 3.0. Luckily, the knowledge of NBC’s greatest comedic creation is never ending. So let’s dive in and see what the Jewish prophets can teach us about picks 11-20.

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Klay Thompson – “The Nose Job” (Season 3): He has shot up draft boards with impressive workouts and interviews. A dynamic scorer who relies on skill rather than athleticism, he has worked hard to fine tune his offensive game because sometimes alteration is needed to attain perfection. The results are evident. Thompson is a top shooting guard prospect being sought after by many teams.

He’s the beautiful girl with the awkward facial irregularity. So what did he do? He went to the gym and performed plastic surgery on himself. And that’s just what Kramer suggested to George’s girlfriend. So what did she do? Instead of taking offense, she decided to address her issue and get a nose job. The surgery may have gone wrong for the girlfriend, but it went well for Thompson. So I’d suggest that NBA teams ask him out on a date.

Jordan Hamilton – “The Pie” (Season 5): He may not have lived up to his high school luster, but Hamilton still proved to be an effective player at Texas. We’re all just waiting for him to tap into his star potential.

But NBA fans and general managers are not the only ones waiting. Jerry Seinfeld is still waiting for Poppy’s daughter to eat Monk’s pie. Despite her unexplained and unequivocal refusals, Jerry wouldn’t give up. But he’s like any of us; results aren’t enough. He has to know why. No one knows why Hamilton couldn’t be a total star, but that won’t stop us from asking the question. For the NBA team that drafts him, just be warned – he’s still looking at the pie and shaking his head.

Tristan Thompson – “The Label Maker” (Season 6): He’s a little things guy with NBA athleticism. He’ll scrap for offensive boards, run the floor and be a long and lanky nuisance on the defensive end. He’s the kind of guy that you don’t game plan for because he’ll have no offensive sets centered around him – but he’ll still manage to get his points and impact the game. If a team relies on him to generate their offense, they’ll be in a world of hurt.

When George forces his new girlfriend’s male roommate, Scott (who looks just like him) to move out, George realizes that he has become her sole male outlet. George is a self-aware man, and knows that this is not a position he can handle. When his girlfriend complained, she could go to Scott. But now George has to bear the brunt of the burden. He enjoyed being one of the fiddles, just not the fiddle. And that’s how Thompson must be handled in the NBA. Let him fulfill his role and don’t pile on the responsibility.

Marcus Morris – “The Switch” (Season 6): He thinks he can play small forward, but he’s a little confused. While we admire his ambition to be a versatile NBA threat, he’s got to stick to his guns and not overreach. As much as he wants to be a tweener, he’s not. He can’t make the switch. And neither can Jerry, but that doesn’t stop him from trying.

His current girlfriend won’t laugh at his jokes, but her roommate does. George advises Jerry to bring up the possibility of a ménage à trois as a possible technique for successfully switching girlfriends – the idea being that the roommate will be flattered and the current girlfriend insulted. To Jerry’s surprise, the roommates accept the invitation. But Jerry realizes the potential error he’s making – he doesn’t want to be an orgy guy – so he pulls out. Morris is trying to be greedy. In his attempt to seduce both girls (small forward and power forward), he may get neither.

Jimmer Fredette – “The Contest” (Season 4): Our love of Jimmer is obsessively bordering on irrational. We have an animalistic instinct that draws us toward him. There’s no doubt that his killer crossover and jump shot will be NBA assets, but sometimes it’s better to hold off because you’ll regret it later. Or maybe you won’t, because it’ll feel that satisfying. Ultimately it seems that one NBA team will bite and succumb to the Jimmer craze sooner than it probably should.

Kramer, Elaine and Jerry couldn’t resist during their “contest.” It would be a disservice to the genius of the episode if I were to speak of the details of the contest, but hopefully the “Seinfeld” faithful know what I’m talking about. Sometimes it’s just too difficult to hold off, ya know?

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