The Bulls Annihilate An East Contender; Gilbert Arenas Finally Finds A Team

By: 03.20.12

Joakim Noah

Actually, we’re not even sure we should call Orlando a contender after last night. They fell apart and surrendered to Carlos Boozer and the Bulls, 85-59. At home. With Derrick Rose in street clothes. Boozer had 24 and 13 while John Lucas III continued to play out of his mind, burning Orlando in the first quarter and finishing with 20 points in 21 minutes, and helping steer Tom Thibodeau to 100 career coaching wins. Thibs is also the fastest coach in NBA history to reach that milestone … At one point, Joakim Noah put Big Baby on his ass with the best facial of the night. Why the hell was Davis even jumping on that play? … It was a 13-0 run midway through the fourth quarter that saved Boston from themselves in a three-point win in Atlanta. Up by 15 with less than four minutes to go, Boston methodically fell apart. Between Joe Johnson (25 points) hitting three straight triples, they were missing free throws and making mistake after mistake. In Doc Rivers‘ words, the Celtics “got lucky.” The dodged a bullet just like the people in the front row dodged Jeff Teague‘s final game-tying attempt. Dude was wide open and missed the hoop entirely. That was probably one of the ugliest last second shots we’ve ever seen … The first half was an exercise in futility as both teams tried to one up the other by playing increasingly older players. Eventually, you had one team running isolation plays for a decomposing Jerry Stackhouse while the other had pindowns going for a brittle Mickael Pietrus. By the middle of the second quarter, Teague was so sick of the old timers game that he decided to inject some life in it. He got out on the break and had a right-handed sledgehammer in Ray Allen‘s face. He felt so good about disrespecting Jesus that he picked up a technical for screaming Satan worship in Allen’s face. We wonder if anyone returned the favor by mocking Teague after the point guard threw up that ugly airball at the buzzer … The Nuggets had nearly the worst night possible, getting blown out by 17 at home to Dallas while losing Andre Miller and Danilo Gallinari to injuries. The only saving grace was the return of Wilson Chandler (13 points) from his overseas exodus … Dirk Nowitzki had 33 points, 11 rebounds and six assists, doing it all on just 19 shots … Golden State lost to Minnesota 97-93 but it was the scene at the half that was on everyone’s minds. At halftime, the Warriors had a lengthy and drawn-out retirement of Chris Mullin‘s No. 17. While our man Mullin was in good enough spirits to eventually be wearing a lei (they gave him a free vacation to Hawaii), the ceremony took a MAJOR turn for the worse when Warriors’ owner Joe Lacob showed up. Still hurt over the trade of Monta Ellis, the Golden State fans booed Lacob mercilessly. The man looked at first shocked, and then like he was about to cry. We had to laugh. Mullin first, and then Rick Barry second had to come out and try to quiet the crowd down so the owner could speak. They were having none of it. Awkward. What the fans did was classless, taking the steam away from Mullin’s big night, but Lacob seemed like he wanted to pull a Kenny Powers: find a couch and stick his head in it. He IS an owner so he should know fans might just boo him … Without Ernie, Kenny and Charles in the TNT booth, it was a train wreck. Just awful. Shaq had to reach to make entertainment without Charles there. By the end it was so bad, we were yearning for the nights of “yak yak” … Keep reading to see where Gilbert Arenas is heading …

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Gilbert Arenas

Gilbert Arenas (photo. Mannion)

Gilbert Arenas is back in the NBA. Not quite. It’s not official. But reports are indicating the former All-Star looked trim and shot lights out in a workout with the Grizzlies yesterday, and the two sides are prepare to marry for the rest of the season. Memphis desperately needs a backup point guard, and Arenas desperately needs a team. It’s still somewhat jarring. They don’t have a backup at the one because the dudes currently doing it (Jeremy Pargo, Josh Selby) all have an obsession with seeing themselves shoot. No one was ever mistaking Arenas for John Stockton. We do know one thing: Memphis was already one of the League Pass MVPs, and they just jumped up a few more notches … Kyrie Irving (26 points) needs a nickname. He came through yet again late in Cleveland’s 105-100 win in New Jersey, hitting a crazy floater off the glance. Between Irving and Tristan Thompson (27 points, 12 rebounds), Cleveland must feel like they hit the jackpot a second time in the draft … Deron Williams (28 points) was fired up, going at refs, taking a lot of shots (23) and pulling out his patented crossover, using it at one point to take Boobie Gibson‘s manhood. Too bad he missed a wide open layup in the final seconds that killed any chance of a New Jersey win … In his first game with his new team, Gerald Wallace (27 points, 12 rebounds) calmed the fears many have over whether he had fallen off … Alonzo Gee can’t go 48 minutes without putting down at least one replay-worthy dunk. It’s an impossibility … We’ll give a shout out to Charlotte for completely folding once Philly hit them with a run in the second half of the Sixers 105-80 win. Embarrassing how ugly it got towards the end of the game. Lou Williams dropped 19 in less than 23 minutes … And here’s your last chance to get a shot at some March Madness goodie giveaways. Go here and tell us how you get away with watching hour…after hour…after hour of the NCAA Tournament … We’re out like Lacob’s thick skin.

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