The year is 2018. Donald Trump is president. The economy and foreign relations are at an all-time low. America has dipped into another Great Depression. Bread lines are now as long as iPhone lines once were. Most major newspapers have been sold to corporations and are nothing more than clickbait articles leading directly to advertisements for products the reader most certainly cannot afford. Many journalists now work in labor farms “for exposure.” Half of them will die of exposure. Americans are crossing the border over the now-abandoned half-built Freedom Wall by the tens of thousands in search of jobs and opportunities in Mexico and Central America.
And the Lakers are back on top! How did L.A. make room to sign LeBron James AND Steph Curry in 2017 a year after handing Kevin Durant a record contract?
“Very carefully,” replied Lakers owner Jim Buss. The incredible trades in which the Lakers acquired New Orleans’ Anthony Davis and Minnesota’s Karl-Anthony Towns for seemingly nothing more than a few future draft picks was deemed “suspicious” by one anonymous NBA executive and “f*cking bullsh*t, I mean come on already!” by another.
Most Americans can no longer afford cable and internet subscriptions, and even less actually still own a television or computer; so much of the populace are unaware that the Lakers are at the top of the standings again. After the Great Quake of 2017 plunged much of the shorefront millionaire property into the Pacific Ocean, the energy across what little remains of the area is palpable. “Basketball is back in la-la-land!” exclaims a Glendale dirt farmer, before he chokes to death from severe dehydration. “I love L.A.!” superstar Kevin Durant hollers over the din of his private helicopter as desperate peasants and serfs clamber below, begging for a morsel of a Gatorade nutrient bar.
The new floating Staples Center.
After single-handedly bringing the Lakers back to the playoffs in 2017, Durant decided he needed some more help. So the savvy Lakers front office recruited Curry and LeBron as free agents and traded for Davis and Towns to shore up their frontcourt. The super-team stormed into the 2017-18 season in which seven teams folded early on due to various “troubles” in major cities. The Lake Show is now well on its way to an incredible 82-0 regular season and an expected playoff sweep, bringing Los Angeles its first title in eight years.
“It’s been a long time coming,” says head coach Luke Walton, “assistant coach” Phil Jackson standing directly behind him, nodding ominously.
The Staples Center, now a floating cloud stadium thanks to the incredible technological breakthroughs by Elon Musk, is inaccessible to fans and in fact many teams as well. The bulk of the Lakers 82 wins were due to forfeit. “We can’t get up there,” Celtics star DeMarcus Cousins mumbles glumly, staring up at the Staples Center floating overhead, as ravenous fans hammer on the armored team bus charter. A 3-D automated billboard across from the team hotel features Curry’s smiling childlike face repeating the phrase “Subjugate yourself to the oppression. Give in. Buy Lakers season tickets. Subjugate yourself to the oppression. Give in. Buy Lakers season tickets.”
“This Lakers team is simply excellent,” proclaims President Trump from his heavily fortified Trump White House deep in the Rocky Mountains. “Basketball is great again. America is great again. Everything is simply outstanding. State of the art. It’s a shame the haters and losers can’t see that. Sad!”
In the distance, a mushroom cloud rises.
