The NBA Playoffs Are Back

By: 04.28.12
Kobe Bryant

Kobe Bryant

We know about Kobe. We know about LeBron. And we know about Kevin Durant. We know the championship will probably come down to one or two games, and one or two players. But in every series, they’ll be twists and turns. A Game 3 will slide on a bench player scoring 12 points in a half. Some lower seed with get a split on the road because one of their big men made 90 percent of his free throws. Some ref might throw a game. Anything could happen. So we had 10 of our writers give their predictions in an effort to pretend to be smart … We’ve heard everyone, from media analysts to Baron Davis, declaring the Knicks as this year’s version of the 2007 Golden State Warriors. Ummm, no. There are a few key differences. New York’s best offensive players right now might just be a guy who doesn’t like to pass, and hogs the ball like someone is trying to take it away and never give it back. The second best might just be a guy who comes off the bench because even though he’s incredibly talented, he’s such a lunatic that he could take a 30-foot three with 19 seconds on the shot clock with a playoff game on the line… and no one would blink an eye. The Knicks also don’t have a great matchup. They don’t have a signature style they can hang their hat on. And most importantly, they’re playing Miami rather than a Dallas team that at the time had Dirk Nowitzki, and a number of players who were VASTLY overrated (Plus, DeSagana Diop actually got minutes on that team remember?). LeBron and D-Wade will string up New York fans and spit them back out. New York’s only shot is if Carmelo turns into the T-Rex from The Lost World and starts causing world-changing havoc … Nine of our 10 writers picked Miami. We’ll keep the name of the one New York Knick fan under wraps for fear of embarrassment … As for this season’s Dallas team, their championship hangover lasted too long. We never thought we’d see the day when a team would miss DeShawn Stevenson. You always need at least 1.5 crazy guys to win a title. Abe Lincoln counts as two. Sure they got Delonte West, but they also picked up Vince Carter, who just completely cancels out West’s crazy meter. VC is also sort of bad luck, like a mirror that breaks over and over again. For that, we don’t see the Mavs beating OKC. Well, one of us does. Pretty much everyone else is taking the Thunder in six games … There’s a lot to like about Denver. They have a really cool strength coach. They’re healthy and don’t have anyone serving a suspension for losing his mind (the Lakers). They also have the perfect antidote for Los Angeles’ problem (still) of keeping up with quick point guards. Our predictions are all over for this one, going from a Laker sweep to a Nugget upset. The consensus though is Hollywood in six games despite the fact that we all want to see Birdman and JaVale McGee together in the playoffs for as long as possible, even if Chris Andersen hasn’t been a factor at all this whole year and really might not even be alive … Keep reading to hear about the one series that has NO CHANCE at an upset …

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Chris Paul

Chris Paul (photo. @CP3)

Chris Paul‘s playoff sneakers might’ve released yesterday, but if it were up to us, we’d say rock some of these custom Js from his closet. Either way, CP3 is going to kill in the playoffs. It doesn’t matter if Tony Allen – probably the best perimeter defender in the league – checks him. Paul will mash the Grizzlies because he knows he has to if the Clippers have any chance. All 10 of our writers think it’s going at least six games, and six of us are picking the team with the homecourt advantage and the massive advantage up front, Memphis … Could San Antonio lose like they did in the first round last year? No one seems to think so. They’re a unanimous favorite, and figure to steamroll a Jazz team that sucks at checking pick-n-rolls. The Spurs are rested, and finally have the opportunity to play their big three together. Unless Devin Harris switches games with Deron Williams, the Jazz will be gone fishing within five … As for Chicago and Philly, Dime has Philly roots and yet not one person picked the Sixers. Their ship is sinking, and only three of us predicted they could win two games. That’s even with Derrick Rose nursing himself back into shape. Basically it comes down to this: the Bulls are impossible to put up points against, and the Sixers can’t get buckets. At all. Philly is like the ultimate cock-blocking friend. Tell them to stay at home if you’re going out looking to score … One series in the East that could be interesting is the No. 4/5 matchup. You know the one with the stupid rule where the Hawks have homecourt advantage because they have the better record but yet don’t have the higher seed against Boston. Ray Allen is probable but Al Horford is out. Atlanta is already thin up front and with Kevin Garnett likely to see some minutes against Josh Smith, we’re expecting a lot of Joe Johnson fadeaways down the stretch of any tight games. Amazingly, seven of our 10 “experts” have this thing going the distance, and all seven of them have the Celtics winning. In Atlanta. In a Game 7 … And finally, Indiana is not letting Orlando beat them. In fact, they might not allow the Magic to win a game. Dwight Howard is out somewhere with a back problem after carrying this team for too long, and his replacement, Big Baby, is also hampered by an injury. Not one of our writers thinks the Pacers will even let this go seven games … Did we mention we can’t wait for the playoffs? … We’re out like the Franchise‘s rap career.

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