Tickets to Rock the Bells 2011 would be the best birthday present I could ask for. Think about it like this. Illmatic. The Infamous. Only Built 4 Cuban Linx. 93 ‘Til Infinity. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Enter Da Stage. Black Star. Liquid Swords. Take the greatest hip-hop albums ever, pile ’em together into a list and I’m betting the names of all of these come up.
Let me get my inner Doug Collins-talking-MJ on: “That’s ridiculous that’s so good…tha…that’s ridiculous.”
Yes. Yes it is Doug.
Not ridiculous in that it should be a phenomenal show at every spot. But ridiculous for it’s versatility. Need a quick rundown on hip-hop? Go to this show. From the poetical genius of Illmatic to the scientific street imagery of Liquid Swords to the textured layers of Black Star, this tour covers everything. Now with tickets on sale and summer starting, the countdown is on.
What if I did the same thing with the NBA? What if I showcased all the inner workings of the game and it’s players, besides just kidnapping and bringing along the best players like Kobe, ‘Bron, Dirk and Dwight, what if I took everything I needed to showcase the full three dimensions of the league and packaged them into one long cross-country tour? Could it be done without bringing out the obvious candidates? Of course.
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For learning to live with hate: Manu Ginobili
Besides my boy from San Antonio, I can’t think of one person who genuinely likes Manu. Not one. Seriously. Now, some people may respect his game, and you almost have to. What other man alive can average 20 a game in a playoff series with a broken arm? He’s played with an assortment of injuries throughout his career and yet gets nothing but hate.
The tipping point was the sheer uniqueness of the timing of both Manu and Rajon Rondo‘s injuries. Could it have been any more scripted? One gets hurt in the regular season finale, misses a playoff game, comes back to play well despite the pain even though his team is upset in one of the larger upsets of the last decade, and still didn’t get any love. The other has an incredibly gruesome fall, manages to come back and play, milks the injury for all its worth and then gets labeled the world’s toughest human being alive.
Manu can’t win. He never will. He could win every title from now until he retires and people still won’t be able to get past his flopping, his bald spot or his never-ending infuriating ability to hit the “ballsiest” shots.
For being frustratingly amazing to watch but terrible to play with: J.R. Smith
The one guy every fan in the world has repeated this about: “Some GM must make sure J.R. Smith ends up somewhere on some team where the coach is mellow enough to let him try 27-footers with 18 seconds on the shot clock, the superstar wants to win, but is so insecure about his own shortcomings that he rarely scolds him about anything and the city is just a perfect mix of enough expectation and content to allow this all to happen knowing their team will give them just enough excitement to get over those 11-point collapses in March and April against teams infinitely less talented. Please make all of this happen. Just make sure it isn’t my team.”
For how to make people happy: Steve Nash
Have you ever heard of a teammate that didn’t love playing with Nash? Anyone? Think it through. I’ll give you a few minutes…time’s up. Oh, Shawn Marion? The Matrix might’ve contended he wanted his own team, wanted to stretch his wings, wanted to feel like he had reached out completely for his potential, but I guarantee you he never wanted to leave Nash.
What was Channing Frye before he came to Phoenix? He was halfway between scanning the crowd for receptive women during timeouts to completely out of the league. All he’s done since coming to Phoenix is have the two best seasons of his career, hitting 187 threes. Raja Bell? Boris Diaw? Playing with Nash is something every basketball player in the world should have the chance to do before they retire, even if it’s just for one game.
For playing in the NBA, but managing to stay irrelevant: the Pacers whole team
For how to fall off and still make money: Ben Gordon
People used to call him Ben Jordan. Honestly, I can’t remember the last athlete/performer/artist/actor/entertainer that fell off this hard, this fast. NBA GMs are sitting back thinking, “Wait. Maybe comparisons between Kemba Walker and Ben Gordon aren’t such a good thing.”
For fitting in when you don’t: Andrew Bogut
Ever since that time he went on and on about how NBA players are materialistic and don’t spend their money wisely, I get the feeling guys treat him like the black sheep. So do a lot of the media, who constantly seem to overlook him when talking awards.
On the court, Bogut fits in with anyone, a consummate professional, a true center who is one of the few players in the league who can block a shot at the top of the square on one end, catch the ball on the break on the other and either finish or dish it off. How has Jamaal Magloire been an All-Star and Bogut never has?
For winning: Derek Fisher
For losing: Chris Wilcox
For how to screw yourself over inadvertently: Carmelo Anthony
Welcome to New York, ‘Melo. If you didn’t know it already from the playoffs when you went up against Kevin Garnett, Rondo, Paul Pierce and Jesus with a group of teammates that included an injured Amar’e, Jared Jeffries (who was literally a better player in college), Bill Walker (who was literally a better player in high school), Roger Mason (who hadn’t played a meaningful minute all year) and whomever took over Landry Fields‘ body, now you do. Donnie Walsh is gone, and who knows where the Knicks go from here? They have no bench. They have an old point guard. They play no defense. They have a lame-duck coach. They have no front office. With a potential new CBA, they probably won’t have the money to add a third superstar. And they play in the same conference as Miami and Chicago.
I hope this is what you really wanted.
For what not to do: Vince Carter
Pretty self-explanatory.
Who would be a part of your NBA tour?
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