Conan O'Brien Isn't Sure About This Thor Movie
Coming Attractions: Nike Air Force 1 Denim/Bronze

Pictures: Abstinent vampires consummate like THIS

By / 04.29.11

Part one of the final chapter of Twilight, Breaking Dawn, aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, opens in November, featuring Edward the chaste vampire finally consummating his inexplicable love for his sullen, charmless bride (ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS EAT HER, BUT HE CAN’T, BECAUSE HER SMELL DRIVES HIM CRAZY).  But already, images of Stephenie Meyer’s childlike notions of romance that she saw in a perfume commercial are all over the web.  “Oh, Bella, when we finally touch I’m going to French you so hard.  This is going to be the Frenchiest French kiss in the history of French, numnumnumnumnum…”
Anyway, here’s a bunch of new pictures from the movie, courtesy of the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, the most important news magazine in the universe.  But I must warn you, most of them are the boring, Stephenie Meyer Superego part of the story that looks like a corny Mervin’s ad, not the awesome Stephenie Meyers id stuff with the broken wombs, severed spines, telepathic vampire fetuses, and werewolf-on-baby man love.  I like that stuff a lot better.

“And here we have our ethnic temptation, a vaguely swarthy kid in a Macy’s button-up.  LOOK OUT HE’S FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS!”

Well this guy must be evil.  No one drags the back of his hand across a girl’s face in movies unless he’s about to tell her his evil plans.

“Haha, oh, Bella.  Isn’t everything perfect?  Let’s go shop for candles and giggle.”

“I love you so much, Bella.  We rarely talk and we can’t relate on any level besides telling each other how in love we are, but when I look into your dumb heartburn face and I get that look like I have to sh*t, I know this is real.”

“OUT OF MY WAY, I HAVE A LETTER I NEED TO GIVE A TELEPATHIC FETUS! I MUST RUN EXTRA GIRLY TO GET THERE BEFORE THE RAIN MUSSES MY HAIR!”
CALL THE BRAZILIAN CONSULATE. I DEMAND THEIR FINEST OLD-TIMEY VAMPIRE SNORKELING BOAT.

No matter what he does, all I see is this:

[Thanks to CinemaBlend for the scans]


TAGSABSTINENCE PARABLESBILL CONDONBREAKING DAWNKRISTIN STEWARTPICTURESRobert PattinsonSNORKELS THE VAMPIRE FETUSSTEPHENIE MEYERTwilight

Join The Discussion


[avatar]

Join the discussion. or Register





Powered by WordPress.com VIP