The Golden Globes happened last night, and thank God there was a dog in a bow tie there, or else it would’ve been a total loss. To recap briefly, Ricky Gervais was the main reason to watch, and save for a few moderately funny Kardashian jokes, he was thoroughly unmemorable (you can watch his monologue below. It was… okay). The highlight of the night was probably seeing George Clooney talk about Michael Fassbender’s huge penis, because it means George Clooney is as obsessed with the Fasspenis as I am. The other highlight was Seth Rogen taking the stage with Kate Beckinsale and saying, “I’m Seth Rogen, and I’m trying to disguise my enormous erection.”
Basically, it was a great night for boners. The lowlight probably went to Madonna, who won best song (???) and took the stage pretending to be Abe Simpson on Vh-1 Storytellers (“The story of how I wrote this song isn’t so much interesting as it is long…”). Though Michelle Pfeiffer introducing War Horse as an incredible film “about a miraculous horse” was also quite bad. Though it did encapsulate perfectly why I could never like that movie. I don’t trust anyone who could write or say the phrase “miraculous horse” without feeling like an asshole. War Horse and the Iron Lady aren’t films that should win awards, they’re satire that prove how terrible awards shows are.
Full list of winners plus my live-tweet of the event on the next page.
Motion Picture, Drama
The Ides of March
Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Midnight In Paris
My Week With Marilyn [I saw The Artist. It was decent, but 50/50 was way better.]
Best Director – Motion Picture
Martin Scorsese, Hugo
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
George Clooney, The Ides of March
Michel Hazanvicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Best Performance By An Actress In A Motion Picture – Drama
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady [Ugh. Yay, Meryl! You did great in that awful movie no one should ever see!]
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Tilda Swinton, We Need To Talk About Kevin
Best Performance By An Actor In A Motion Picture, Drama
George Clooney, The Descendants [Can't argue with that, I suppose.]
Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar
Michael Fassbender, Shame
Ryan Gosling, The Ides Of March
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Best Performance By An Actor In A Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Jean Dujardin, The Artist [Brendan Gleeson and JGL were robbed, but it was all worth it to see Mark Wahlberg ask for help pronouncing a French guy's name.]
Brendan Gleeson, The Guard
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50
Ryan Gosling, Crazy, Stupid, Love.
Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris
Best Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role In A Motion Picture
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
Best Performance By An Actor In A Supporting Role In A Motion Picture
Christopher Plummer, Beginners [Never saw this one.]
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Albert Brooks, Drive
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method
Best Foreign Language Film
A Separation (Iran) [I didn't see any of these, which makes me terrible. But still, I have to think if Elite Squad 2 were one of the nominees, people would have a completely different idea of what foreign cinema is.]
The Flowers of War (China)
In the Land of Blood and Honey (USA)
The Kid With A Bike (Belgium)
The Skin I Live In (Spain)
Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon, The Ides of March
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash, The Descendants
Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin, Moneyball
Best Animated Feature Film
The Adventures of Tintin
Puss in Boots
Best Performance By An Actress in A Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Jodie Foster, Carnage
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids
Kate Winslet, Carnage
Best Original Song – Motion Picture
“Masterpiece” — W.E. Music & Lyrics by: Madonna, Julie Frost, Jimmy Harry [The annual "foreigners have heard of Madonna" award.]
“Hello Hello” — Gnomeo & Juliet Music by: Elton John Lyrics by: Bernie Taupin “The Keeper” — Machine Gun Preacher
Music & Lyrics by: Chris Cornell “Lay Your Head Down” — Albert Nobbs
Music by: Brian Byrne Lyrics by: Glenn Close “The Living Proof” — The Help
Music by: Mary J. Blige, Thomas Newman, Harvey Mason Jr. Lyrics by: Mary J. Blige, Harvey Mason Jr., Damon Thomas
Best Original Score – Motion Picture
Ludovic Bource, The Artist
Abel Korzeniowski, W.E.
Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Howard Shore, Hugo
John Williams, War Horse
Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Modern Family, ABC
New Girl, FOX
Best Performance By An Actor In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
David Duchovny, Californication
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory
Thomas Jane, Hung
Best Performance By An Actress In A Television Series – Drama
Claire Danes, Homeland
Mireille Enos, The Killing
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Madeleine Stowe, Revenge
Callie Thorne, Necessary Roughness
Best Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role In A Series, Mini-Series, Or Motion Picture Made for Television
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story
Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Evan Rachel Wood, Mildred Pierce
Best Performance By An Actor in A Supporting Role in A Series, Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Paul Giamatti, Too Big to Fail
Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce
Tim Robbins, Cinema Verite
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Best Performance By An Actor In A Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television
Idris Elba, Luther
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey
William Hurt, To Big to Fail
Bill Nighy, Page Eight
Dominic West, The Hour
Best Television Series – Drama
Homeland, Showtime [Homeland is okay, there's no way in hell it's better than Boardwalk Empire or Game of Thrones. Not even by the wildest stretch of the imagination. It was entertaining, but a show about dragons and magical wolves was more believable than Homeland.]
American Horror Story, FX
Boardwalk Empire, HBO
Game of Thrones, HBO
Best Performance By An Actor In A Television Series – Drama
Kelsey Grammer, Boss
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jeremy Irons, The Borgias
Damian Lewis, Homeland
Best Performance By An Actress In A Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television
Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce
Romola Garai, The Hour
Diane Lane, Cinema Verite
Elizabeth McGovern, Downton Abbey
Emily Watson, Appropriate Adult
Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television
Downton Abbey, PBS
Cinema Verite, HBO
The Hour, BBC America
Mildred Pierce, HBO
Too Big to Fail, HBO
Best Performance By An Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Laura Dern, Enlightened
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Laura Linney, The Big C
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Here’s my live-tweet of the event. I’m posting it here because I don’t feel like wasting any more of my time writing something new about this dumb show. [Follow me on Twitter]
[During the monologue] I love the crowd shots of these dipshits trying to decide whether to laugh. HALP! NEED PUBLICIST! #goldenglobes
A pocket watch, a charm bracelet, two rings, and a rosary? That’s the fewest accessories Johnny Depp has been seen wearing in four years.
Here’s Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore for the bronzer before-and-after segment of the evening.
They should re-cast that McDonald’s potato farmer commercial with Danny Trejo. “Mira, ju like my papas, puto?” (*racks shotgun*)
Kelsey Grammer won something? Whose salad did he toss for that? /Frasier jokes #classic
Every time I see Adam Levine [presenting] I wish he’d somehow fall face first in manure like Biff.
Jean Dujardin was great in The Artist, but knowing he’s French means that mustache wasn’t much of a stretch.
[As The Artist wins best score] “I would like to thank Kim Novak, wissout whose rape all of zeess would not be possible.”
Ooh, I hope Madonna talks some more shit on hydrangeas.
RT @mindykaling: What a compelling song-writing journey, Madonna!
I hope Baby Goose goes on stage & talks through a puppy he holds in front of the mic like a ventriloquist’s dummy. “Thanks, guys, arf arf!”
What the f*ck is Anjelica Houston doing in a show with Katherine McPhee holding hands with a Jonas brother? [Seriously, they played the promo for this show at least 1200 times]
Baby Goose couldn’t be here because he was busy taking a homeless man to get a shower and feeding him hot soup.
Michelle Williams looks like she’d cry if you farted on her.
So is it cool to call Peter Dinklage “P-Dinkz” or what?
Peter Dinklage should’ve run along the tops of everyone’s heads like Crocodile Dundee.
[Peter Dinklage references not having seen Mildred Pierce] Yeah, you know who else hasn’t seen Mildred Pierce? EVERYONE.
Hahahahaha RT @katerbland: “He doesn’t talk like a midget at all!” -the worst guest at my party.
“Hi, I’m Channing Tatum. Here’s the animated film nominees interpreted as a c-walk.”
[Someone name-drops Andy Serkis] I’m sorry, acting like a chimp is not that hard. Seriously. Throw me that ping pong ball suit, I’ll show you a chimp.
The Midnight in Paris soundtrack sounds like someone hitting a Vietnamese child with a peacock.
[Madonna makes an awkward pass at Ricky Gervais] YEAH, RICKY! BANG THE DUST OFF THAT OLD C*NT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!
“Hi, I’m Madonna. Here are the names of some important foreign films I’ve watched and enjoyed while traveling abroad.”
“Oh, excuse me, did I say ‘while?’ I meant ‘whilst.’” -Madonna.
Better Matt LeBlanc ape co-star, the orangutan from Ed, or Marcel the monkey?
You know who loves Morgan Freeman and Sidney Poitier? The closed captioning people. [Sidney.... Poitier... talks... so... slowly...]
Robert Downey Jr. is the personification of how you feel right after a huge line of coke.
Martin Scorsese’s mom should’ve won best supporting actress for Goodfellas. She was so awesome.
Does It’s Always Sunny ever get nominated for anything? No awards show knows anything about comedy.
A “miraculous horse?” I hate anyone who doesn’t feel like an asshole saying that phrase out loud.
“‘EH JESSICA, HOW DO I PRONOUNCE THIS FRENCH QUEAH’S NAME?” -Mark Wahlberg
My favorite part of War Horse was when they signed the Armistice Treaty, and the horse was all “DURRRRR, HAY.”
Also, Brendan Gleeson was robbed. The Guard was righteous.
THE IRON LADY MAKES ME WANT TO KICK A BABY IN THE FACE
Everyone knows Margaret Thatcher was a prime minister. What our movie preSUPposes is, maybe she talked about milk with her dead husband?
“REMEMBER WHEN MARGARET THATCHER COURAGEOUSLY BOMBED ALL THOSE ARGENTINES BECAUSE SHE WAS A GIRL?” -The Iron Lady
It’d be fun to see George Lucas and Harvey Weinstein battle it out over the last turkey leg.
YES! GEORGE CLOONEY IS JUST AS OBSESSED WITH MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S HUGE DICK AS I AM!
OBEY THE FASSPENIS
OH MY GOD, HARRISON FORD AND MORGAN FREEMAN ARE EARRING FIGHTING!
You know what would’ve been better than the Golden Globes? A dog show.
I want more like this!
Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.