Kicking off a super-sized edition of this week's This Week in Posters is the newest batch of Dark Knight Rises posters. Yes, more Dark Knight Rises posters. It seems like there are six of them every day. At this point, I think you could make a flip-book out of these longer than the actual movie.
"Fight? Why fight? What I really want to do is... DAAANCE!"
(*thunderous chorus of finger snaps*)
Looks like Bane stole Batman's car. This time, it's personal.
Between Bane leading a mob of pissed off 99 percenters, and the possible allegories of Mitt Romney's Bane Capital vs. Barack "The Dark Knight" Obama, I'm already pre-dreading the inevitable tortured metaphors and forced allegories. Mark my words, this will be a Slate article. Just watch.
[banners via Collider]
I think Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks amazingly stupid, but the internet seems to be in love. That's why I chose it in our Fantasy Summer Box Office game. But realizing it doesn't have a single star in it, I'm having regrets. The main dude looks like he's a celebrity impersonator, but you can't quite tell which celebrity.
Here's a couple new stills from The Amazing Spider-Man. Is anyone sad the lizard didn't create a perfectly lizard-shaped hole, like in a cartoon? That would be boss.
Here's Rhys Ifans after a disastrous experiment starts to make him even more wiry. Yes, that was a Replacements reference. Am I the only one who watches that every time it comes on cable?
And here's your money shot of The Lizard. Am I the only one who thinks he looks a little too much like the Enzyte guy? Perhaps the experiment made his dick bigger. That would be scary. "Run for your lives, it's a maniacal, fully tumescent reptile!"
Here's the first of a big batch of posters from Cannes, courtesy of Vulture. I notice this Spring Breakers movie is a paparazzi favorite (for obvious reasons - SELENA GOMEZ AND ASHLEY HUDGENS BOOBS IN BIKINIS UPSKIRT GOOGLE!). Meanwhile, I don't know if people realize the full implication of "a Harmony Korine film starring James Franco."
Harmony Korine made Gummo and Trashhumpers, and filmed James Franco fight a BMX gang of naked gangster chicks. And now he's suddenly he's making a teenybopper flick full of Disney princesses? Friends, we are being dicknosed, I guarantee it. I wouldn't be surprised if one of those girls ends up blowing Vincent Gallo at the premiere.
Haha, I love you,
Chinese Korean knockoffs. (Sorry, I should've looked at the names on the bottom more closely).
Call this ironic juxtaposition.
That's right, "American Hangover," starring Joey Fatone (which is short for "The Fat One from NSync") and Winnie Cooper. Now's probably a good time to point out that a lot of films go to Cannes looking for buyers and many times don't find one.
OH HELL YES. I love movies about dogs going to heaven, especially if Gary Busey is around to consult the production designers on what heaven looks like.
Well that's certainly a strange combo. I don't care what anyone says, Tom Felton has a weird shaped skull and it creeps me out.
Whoa, Minnie Driver? Has she been hibernating for the last five years?
If you think the poster for Hitler Goes Kaput looks good, you should see the trailer I posted a while back. (And by 'a while back,' I mean four years ago).
It's easy to see why Russians are so often praised for their subtle comedy.
You know, I did NOT expect there to be the White House in the background of a movie called Juan of the Dead. That was a twist.
"The ultimate form of war is one on one."
False. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's not even considered "war." You must be thinking of basketball. The ultimate form of basketball is one on one. See? Much better.
This has Robert DeNiro and John Travolta, and yet we've never heard of it. I guessing that's not because it's super good.
What our movie preSUPPOSEs is, what if two historical adversaries were brought together by Eiffel Towering some chick?
WHAT?!?!?! Is someone trying to pre-empt Channing Tatum's White House Down? NOT ON MY WATCH! (*drives to Gerard Butler's house with sternly-worded letter*)
I'm not sure what's worse, that there are TWO movies with that plot, or that they made Gerard Butler look so much like Shia LaBeouf.
Unfortunate juxtaposition, part 2.
[Check out the rest of the Cannes posters at Vulture]
"Once I believe I die" ...what? I learn to use commas? Don't leave me hanging here, The Apparition! I need to find out what happens once I believe I die!
Here's a couple stills from 42, a biopic of Jackie Robinson, the first baseball player to wear his pants pulled up really high. He influenced an entire generation.
Ever wondered how they shoot those big crowd scenes? Neat, huh?
"Hey, can I do that take over? I have this feeling like I had a really stupid look on my face the whole time."
Ugh, okay FINE, I'll look it up.
A seedy bar owner hires a mysterious Croatian to commit murder, but a planned double-crossing backfires when a young waitress is taken hostage. A suspenseful, yet darkly humorous chain of events builds to a bloodcurdling climax.[IMDB]
Yeah, but are there boobs? No one ever tells me what I want to know.
Someone on Tumblr made a gif of how this poster was created, which I thought was fun:
Now THAT'S a cool poster. Plus it has Matthew Gray Gubler in it, and everyone knows that dude is TNT.
Is this a documentary about one of those performing arts high schools that teaches all the wood nymphs to be more coddled and pretentious while ignoring math, science, and basic general knowledge? That's what I'm getting from this. I hear the last 20 minutes is all waitressing.
Tom Arnold AND Jason Biggs? Should I buy tickets online? I don't want this to sell out.
Poor Lauren Ambrose. She should be way more famous.
Hmm, I wonder what this is about.
I don't know what would be more scandalous, this movie being narrated by FDR's cripple-screwing mistress, or if it had been narrated by his cousin-screwing wife.
This movie is so good, they don't even need to put Steve Guttenberg on the cover. Danger Guerrero and me are seeing this opening day.
Oh shut up.
Not only is that a stylish-ass poster, you know they're confident in the movie when they don't even put Brad Pitt's face on the poster when he's the star of the movie.
Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor in Liz & Dick, the most talked-about Lifetime Original movie in the history of Lifetime Original movies.
I've said it before and I'll keep saying it: All horror movies involve haunted house, creepy little kid, or demonic possession.
Remember what I said about all horror movies? By the way, if you describe your demonic possession movie as "BASED ON A TRUE STORY", I want to punch your face.
Red 2! Remember Red? ...Kinda? The most obscure sequel since Hoodwinked Too!
Thank God someone finally matched up the names to the correct faces, or else this would be really weird.
A new adaptation of Tess of the D'Urbervilles? FINALLY. It feels like I've been waiting my whole life for this moment.
I get the sense other people would know who this person is. Ahh, she's a country music star and gay rights activist. Hence the flag. NOW it makes sense...
I believe she guest-starred in the Toby Keith track, "Beer for my Lesbians."
Dude, this is going to have so many turgid discussions about categorical imperatives.