Way before his days of cameos in Adam Sandler movies, house renovation shows on the DIY Network, and musical collaborations with the Insane Clown Posse, Vanilla Ice was once the most famous man on the planet, for his hit songs, “Ice Ice Baby” and… others. At the height of his popularity in 1991, Ice was hot off his film debut Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze when he made a little movie called Cool As Ice. At its core, Cool As Ice is a love story and Vanilla Ice offers a lot to learn about the timeless art of seduction. Here are a few tips from the movie that you can use to seduce your love interests, and keep in mind, Vanilla Ice did manage to score Madonna at one point in his life.
Anyone can go up to a woman and make small talk like, “Nice weather we’re having” or “Heard any good Queen songs lately?” But you don’t get to Vanilla Ice’s level by asking women what their sign is. If you spot your prey horseback riding, or as Ice calls it, “driving a horse,” you should make a grand gesture to get her attention. The best way to do this is to jump a fence on your motorcycle, land inches from the horse’s face, and knock her onto her head and nearly paralyze her. She’ll be seeing stars, all right… you!
Somewhere in the melee of knocking the woman off her horse, try to remember to steal a personal item of hers. Ice, for example, steals his lady’s organizer which has “all of her scholarship stuff in it.” This will all but assure she will come looking for you. Women value their scholarship stuff.
Fact: All women hate their actual names. If you really want a girl to remember you, give her a cool nickname. If her name is Katherine, for example, do like Ice does and call her Kat. But don’t just give her the name, you have to say it real seductive-like. “Kaaaaaat.”
If you find out that she’s at the local hangout spot with all her friends, you should go down there and perform a hip hop version of Sly & the Family Stone’s “Thank You.” This will get her nice and tingly. Then, get her on the dance floor. Literally get her on her back on the floor and grind up on her. Ladies love being sexually accosted in public. It’s more powerful than sending them flowers.
It’s not enough to be a great motorcycle rider and thief and sexual assailant. If you really want to be the total package, you’ve got to know how to fight as well. Fortunately, that is one of the many tricks in the baggy pants of Vanilla Ice, who beats the everloving piss out of Kat’s boyfriend, Nick, and puts him in the hospital. (Bonus tip: You’ve already given your lady a cool nickname, but why not give her boyfriend a derogatory nickname? If his name is Nick, swap it out for Dick.)
If you follow all the previous tips, you’ll be cool. But if you want to be “cool as ice,” you’ve got to do the only logical thing a sane person would do: Break into your lady’s bedroom and forcefeed her chunks of ice with your fingers. She will definitely not start freaking out and call the police. In fact, if your experience is anything like Vanilla’s, this will result in her being so aroused that she will start undressing.
More than the opera or fancy restaurants, ladies love abandoned construction sites, fellas! Something about all that phallic machinery like jackhammers really gets them going. Plus, if it’s out in the middle of nowhere with no one around, she’ll definitely feel totally safe with you, the strange drifter she just met. After you have a deep heart to heart about what it’s like to have “parents and all that stuff,” try engaging her in some a playful slow-mo frolicking montage. Oh, and take your shirt off.
Ladies love a good dancer. Pretty obvious.
You don’t want to look too eager. So when knocking on her door, never, EVER knock more than once. Ever.
Family is important to women, which is why you should steal her little brother and take him for a joyride on your motorcycle.
And lastly, appearance and attitude are both very crucial factors in the dating game. You’ll want to use cool 90s lingo like “slick” and “homeboy.” Also, feel free to make up sayings as you go along, like “Drop that zero and get with a hero.” As far as appearance, you’ll want to shave your hair and eyebrows into fun an interesting shapes. Also, change your outfit whenever possible and wear Stussy jackets with a lot of funky sayings on them.
At this point, the wooing process should be complete. Congratulations on using the foolproof Ice Method of Seduction. There’s only one thing left to: Celebrate. Grab your homeboys, rock the mic like a vandal, light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle. Yo let’s get outta here. Word to your mother.