Listen up, Dillweeds: every week, a lot of posters come out, far more than I can cover one at a time. So going forward (THAT’S BUSINESS TALK), I’ll be grouping them all in one place, for you to admire soup to nuts, like Charlie Sheen tried to do with those porn stars. Now that that’s out of the way, come with me, on a magical journey through pictures and text.
Here’s our the first of this week’s Pirates of Caribbean character posters. So wait, you’ve got Penelope Cruz on a poster and you’re not even going to maximize her cleavage? That’s like the first rule of eye-catching! Obviously you’re not a blogger. Jeez, use Photoshop if you have to.
Here’s Johnny Depp wearing some scarves and sashes and jewelry and beads and braids and makeup. Come on, guys, we’re sick of all this minimalism in costume design. Throw some accessories in there.
HURR, I’M A RESPECTED ACTOR.
Hey, remember that real pirate from history who put lit fuses in his beard and killed a lot of people? This is going to be just like that, but PG-13, with guys wearing makeup and mermaids that never get naked.
The 5th Quarter: answering the unasked question, “Hey, what ever happened to Andie MacDowell?”
This one’s based on the story of football player Jon Abbate, whose 15-year-old brother Luke was declared brain dead after a car crash.
While in the hospital, the Abbate family made the difficult decision to permit the doctors to utilize Luke’s organs in a nationwide organ transplant program. Five recipients were almost immediately identified, including a young mother who was suffering with serious heart disease. Sharing an uncommon blood type, Lukes heart was flown to the young womans hospital location across the country, resulting in a successful heart transplant, and saving her life. [IMDB]
Older brother Jon then wore his younger brother’s number (5), leading Wake Forest to their most successful season in history. At first I thought that was Andy MacDowell at the bottom of the poster, who’d become a football star after receiving the heart of a dead football player. That would be way better.
Black guys are allowed to hold guns in posters now, but only white people are allowed to point them at you. Anyway, this is the poster for 5 Fast 5 Furious. Wait, that sounds too regular. HIT THE N0S!
THIS IS THE POSTER FOR 5 FAST FIVE FURIOUS.
Much better. (The N0S makes the letters tilt).
Luck o’ the fluffy, get it? See, because leprechauns, who are Irish, normally find pots of gold at the end of the rainbow, which is called luck of the Irish. But now that pot is filled with baby chicks, which are also gold, and that’s luck because of their fur… nevermind. Actually, I have no idea.
This movie is about a drum-playing Easter bunny who poops jelly beans, incidentally.
“The search began at the opening of their mother’s will.” I had to re-read that like six times before I understood it. I think part of the problem is that I never pictured wills as things that needed opening. Are people putting will’s in envelopes now, like the Oscars? That sounds exciting.
Also, you can tell it’s exciting because of the way she’s staring off into the sun. If you just photoshopped a sunset beach scene in the background, this could be a Christian rock album cover. Beach at sunset = pondering the mysteries of Christ. It’s poster science.
Poster for the suprisingly-well reviewed The Lincoln Lawyer, starring Matthew McConaughey. Hold on, I’m not sure I know what this one’s about. Do you have a tie that says “DEFENSE ATTORNEY”?
Poster for Woody Allen’s latest, starring Owen Wilson and French first lady Carla Bruni. Hey, that’s Starry Night, by Van Gogh! Thanks for making me feel smart, Woody Allen. Also, based on these last three posters, there’s something really interesting going on just to the right of my computer screen.
I’m not including every SXSW poster here, but this one looked interesting, so job well done, poster designer guy.
When a dutiful, albeit barren Christian housewife discovers that her devout husband has suffered a stroke at a sperm bank where he’s been secretly donating his seed for the past 25 years, she leaves her sheltered world and starts off on a journey to find his eldest biological son – a mullet-headed, foul-mouthed ex-con with whom she develops an odd but meaningful relationship. [IMDB]
Ha, “stroke at a sperm bank.” Well I wouldn’t say I suffered it, Bob…
This poster is pretty terrifying, and if you’re not terrified, you probably didn’t realize that vignette is of a guy having angry machete sex from the trailer.
I saw Super the other day, I should have a review up soon. You’d be shocked at the amount of sexiness Ellen Page pulls off, especially for someone who sort of looks like a 12-year-old boy. It was a confusing day for my penis, to say the least.
YAAAAAHH, FLOATING HEADS! Eh, not a great poster, but still way better than the X-Men posters. I think the worst part was making Tom Hiddleston sort of look like Orlando Bloom.
Yeah, yeah, we get it, Tom Hardy, you’re really handsome. I was hoping Warrior was about bare-knuckle gypsy brawling, but it might be even better:
The youngest son (Hardy) of an alcoholic former boxer (Nick Nolte) returns home, where he’s trained by his father for competition in a mixed martial arts tournament — a path that puts the fighter on a collision corner with his older brother (Joel Edgerton). [IMDB]
Nick Nolte as an alcoholic? I don’t see it.
Warrior, part 2. Get it? They’re like, two sides of the same coin or some sh*t.
Adrian Brody is trapped under a car at the bottom of a ravine. It’s basically 127 Hours, but with amnesia, car crashes, and bank robbery. Seriously. Poster’s missing a good critic quote though. Maybe “So good I literally forgot my own name!” -Pete Hammond.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the target demographic might be stoners.
See? Now that’s how you use cleavage. Take a lesson, Pirates of the Caribbean.
Whoa, what’s up with Danny McBride’s freak leg? There is something very unnatural about that angle. But other than that, and the crappy tagline, not a bad poster. Though I think it’d work much better painted on the side of a van.
Anyway, that’s it for this week, folks.