Breaking Dawn (aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus) is famously Stephenie Meyer’s most batsh*t book (which is saying something). So when The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (PART ONE) trailer premiered at the MTV Movie Awards last night (the same night as the Spike Guy’s Choice Awards — what will I not watch first!), we were hoping to see some snorkeling vampires, vampire c-sections, werewolf-on-CGI-telepathic-vampire-fetus love, or any of the awesomely ridiculous plot elements from Breaking Dawn. Turns out they went pretty minimal with it (would you believe the director of this has an Oscar?). But even though the bed-smashing vampire honeymoon sex and spine-severing fetal cramps are only hinted at, it’s still delightfully ridiculous. (Great sentence, or the greatest sentence?). We’ve got your breakdown.
GRRR, VAMPIRE WEDDING INVITATIONS! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!
A WEDDING INVITATION?? WHY I’M SO FURIOUS I COULD JUST TAKE MY SHIRT OFF AND RUN THROUGH THE RAIN!!
DON’T DO IT, JAKE! THEM WHITE FOLKS AIN’T WORTH IT! TAKE IT FROM A WISE OLD INDIAN IN A WHEELCHAIR! (*Jacob throws wedding invitation at his feet, single tear rolls down old man’s cheek*)
BELLA ROSE PETALS SPARKLING SWAN: Let’s invite my kooky aunt.
EDWARD HERCULES J. BILLIONAIRE CULLEN: Aww, not the one that lives on a cheesy greenscreen set!
[Actually, that's Sarah Clarke playing Bella's mom, Reneé Dwyer, whom wikipedia describes thusly: "After Renée remarries a much younger baseball player, Phil Dwyer, Bella sends herself to live with her father in Forks so that Renée and Phil can travel together. Edward describes Renée's mind as being insightful and almost childlike." Speaking of childlike minds, with Stephenie Meyer writing this, Reneé's choice of husband was basically limited to fireman, baseball player, or astronaut.]
EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN! Ha, “Masen.” I love that even when she’s trying to be all classy (SWANS! FOUR-NAMED BOYFRIENDS!), Stephenie Meyer’s predilection for misspelled white trash names still shines through. What is it with white trash families and purposely-misspelled names, anyway? Some girl I went to high school with was asking for male baby name suggestions on Facebook the other day, and I sh*t you not one of the comments was “Jaxxon” (Jackson). Dear God. That kid might as well come out holding a spit cup.
Hmm, this seems to be an establishing shot. But I’m confused, where is this wedding taking place? A fictional coastline somewhere?
OH RIGHT, BRAZIL. No fair trying to make me guess without this. You can’t show Brazil without the giant Jesus statue! It’s against the law! That’s like a talking chihuahua without a Mexican accent.
THIS MARRIAGE NIGHT DEFLOWERING IS SO HOT I’M CRUSHING THE HEADBOARD WITH MY BARE HANDS! OOH WHA-AH AH-ABSTINENCE IS SEXY! THANK GOD THE HOTEL MANAGER DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS OUR FIRST TIME OR ELSE WE NEVER COULD’VE AFFORDED THE DEPOSIT! FORNICATORS DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE MISSING!
YOU’RE TEARING THIS BED APAAAAHT, EDWARD! AAAHHHH WAITING FOR MARRIAGE IS SO MUCH SEXIER! YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE THE SEXIEST SEX INVOLVES FEATS OF STRENGTH! ONE TIME MY GIRLFRIEND BLEW ME SO GOOD I TORE A PHONEBOOK IN HALF, YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
[Thanks in advance to Danger Guerrero, for letting me borrow his “Scene Breakdown” structure]