We know this is the first This Week in Posters we've done for the New Year, but this ship will be back on course and up to steam in no time. I've been trying to get this thing locked and loaded every Tuesday afternoon, so once I start self-medicating, look for it with a little more consistency. GRRR, LASER FOCUS.
First up, this new poster for The Grey. It was wise of them to play up the most commercial aspect of the film, i.e. LIAM NEESON BOXING WOLVES WITH BROKEN BOTTLES ON HIS HANDS! Hell, I'd watch a whole series of these - Liam Neeson boxes wolves with broken bottles, Liam Neeson hits hyenas with a tire iron, Liam Neeson with bug zapper in a room full of lizards, Liam Neeson headbutts deer in a pith helmet - I could go on forever, and never run out of great ideas. And looking at the way he's holding his knife reminds me of the fight between Steven Seagal and Tommy Lee Jones at the end of Under Siege. How much more awesome would it have been if Liam Neeson had been there with broken bottles taped to his hand, hucking wolves at everyone? Get on that.
Okay, so technically this isn't actually a poster, just a publicity image from Step Up 4, the franchise that C-Tates built, but I couldn't deprive you of this. "Step Up 4: Step Up 4 Your Homies," I wish it was called.
This entry is sets the dancing against the vibrant backdrop of Miami. Emily, the daughter of a wealthy businessman, arrives in Miami with aspirations of becoming a professional dancer, but soon falls in love with Sean, a young man who leads a dance crew in elaborate, cutting-edge flash mobs. The crew, called the MOB, strives to win a contest for a major sponsorship opportunity, but soon Emily's father threatens to develop the MOB's historic neighborhood and displace thousands of people. Emily must band together with Sean and the MOB to turn their performance mobs into protest mobs, and risk losing their dreams to fight for a greater cause.
A greedy developer, "cutting-edge flash mobs," holy hell, that synopsis has everything. And I hope by "cutting edge" they mean breakdance knife fights, a la West Side Story. Put some shoes on, bitch, where did you learn to flash mob, a barn?
And of course she fell in love with him, THE DUDE HAS FLAMES ON HIS JEANS! Not to mention a hankerchief (pocket square?) with graffiti on it. Graffiti is the monogram of the skreets, yo.
I've never heard about this movie before, but I think a better title might be "Old People F*cking." Because everyone in it seems to be giving me F-me eyes (except for Maggie Smith, who's all about B-Nigs). That, and the original title sucks. Since when do marigolds need hotels? They sleep in the dirt, like Jacktion's parents.
A guy in a hoodie turning the world diagonal? This also describes the creation of half these movie posters. So meta.
Gee, I wonder which one is evil. Could it be the guy with his greasy weird hair plastered to the front of his forehead like a pasty Cholombian staring at his feet? ...Nah, couldn't be.
Also, if they can actually get a car upside down on the Space Needle like that, it'd be a great promotion for the film.
This one's about Adrien Brody playing some kind of substitute teacher, like a suave, vaguely French-looking Dangerous Minds. Please, you think I'd ever let Adrien Brody around my kids? No way. He'd probably bang all of them, black chicks first. Look at him, he's trying eye-bang you right now! A-Brodes would bang your daughter and then probably give her a cigarette he rolled himself. Yeah, that's right, I'm onto you, squinty.
Ooh, another one from the guy who did Maria Full of Grace (aka Maria Full of Coke Balloons) with little awards garlands all over it. I wonder if it will be a super-boring film about a super-serious subject. I can't wait for his next film, "90 Minutes of Latin Chicks Crying."
"For all they agreed on, they couldn't come together on leggings."
What's with all the movies set in Seattle all of a sudden? I wonder if it's just easier since they film everything in Vancouver now anyway.
All this needs is one more word in the title and a gun in Nic Cage's hand to be a Steven Seagal movie. "Ex-army special forces captain Gino Justice is on the run for war crimes he didn't commit, all while trying to solve the biggest war crime of all: they kidnapped his daughter. Seagal. In. Seeking Out Justice."
SPOILER ALERT: She's a woman! Politics schmolitics, let's talk pantsuits!
Jesus Christ, this movie.
The Iron Lady. It's got pearls and bouffant hair. You know, for the kids.
That thing on the right looks like a lizard with a giant hamburger for a head. I'm expecting a fast food tie in.
"They said he was too old to breast feed..."
Great Scott, can you imagine how obtusely intellectual a film that references Terrence Malick "reinventing silent expressionism" on the poster is going to be? Armond White may have to review this six times.
Here the poster designer tried to Trojan Horse yet another diagonal horizon line by distracting us with Denzel Washington's giant face. Nice try, punk. But I eat Denzel Washington's giant face for breakfast.
This maybe the most generic movie poster in the history of movie posters. I can think of absolutely nothing interesting to say about this.
Nice try trying to distract us with the Fargo reference, but I see that tagline down there. "Have an ice day." Haha, good one. I bet the head of the marketing department demanded that be in there but no one in design could talk them out of it, so they just ended up making it really small. Too bad, it's pretty good other than that. And I guarantee you "Have an ice day" has been in a Starbucks poster at some point, promoting a line of teas.
THIS SUMMER, A SEXY CHICK DOES STUFF SEXILY.
She'll never let go of this diagonal horizon line trend no matter how pointless.
Haha, they said Daniel Radcliffe was a woman. I've seen interviews with him, I bet he does fear women, and their curse. The curse being their vaginas. Icky!
YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES. A film from the guy who made Rubber comes a film that looks like the absurdist's answer to a bizarro world dentist office motivational poster. This guy gets me.
Though I suppose a more perfectly opposite bizarro dentist's office poster would be a cat with its paw on a tree that says "YOU'LL NEVER SUPPORT THAT TREE, PUSSY" This is better.
[posters via IMPA, unless otherwise noteed]