THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week in posters, Titans will wrath, Halle Barry's bewbs thwart a shark attack, Paul Rudd parties in a sunflower field, Nic Cage looks as bored as you've ever seen him, and we learn that not even indie films can resist the sweet, sweet lure of pointlessly diagonal horizon lines. Let's do it!
WRATH OF THE TITANS: I like this poster far better than the film has any chance of being. Just describing the poster presents a far more intriguing story than the actual film. "Well basically, we took the luckdragon from Neverending Story and stabbed it with a trident until it puked fire."
See? That's a way better movie.
Ooh, "feel the wrath," did you throw out your back trying to think up that tagline? It must've been taxing. That's not even a play on words. Here, try straightforward honesty. "PEGASUS VS. THE LAVA MONSTER" sounds better anyway. Just make the poster and have Arnold Schwarzenegger describe it literally.
My, this is certainly a movie poster. Say what you will about this movie poster, it's definitely, without a doubt, a poster for a movie.
What no one has said yet is whether the Kraken will be released in this one. I hope it will be. If only to make this photoshop relevant again:
Autofellatio Manatee, gets me every time.
It's hard to go wrong with Paul Rudd AND a shirtless guy drinking wine. Still, as long as we're blatantly Photoshopping, why not throw Sad Keanu in there? Also, did you notice the phantom arm?
I guess that's supposed to be Malin Akerman's arm, but it just looks like Justin Theroux is Dhalsim from Street Fighter or something.
P Diddy has signed on to produce a remake of this documentary, which, based on his music career, I assume just means he's going to pop in the corner of the frame saying "Uh. Yeah. C'mon. Uh. Yeah. Uh. Uh. C'mon" from time to time.
I'll post the trailer below, but unless one of these linemen scored in the 98th percentile in protective instincts, I'm not interested.
Having seen the trailer for this, I can report that it looks awesome. The poster's pretty good too, though it should be said, when your film contains Patton Oswalt drinking wine straight from the carafe at an end-of-the-world orgy, that's the image you use to sell the movie. SELL THE SIZZLE, PEOPLE! Drunk Patton Oswalt at an orgy is definitely the sizzle. Always.
James Obvious of ObviousonFilm.com writes "It's a movie you'll never see!" While John ToBeFair of Jizzsicle Illustrated adds "Unless your mom comes over!"
Here's the trailer.
Is that the monkey from The Artist?
This is a film about a zombie Bin Laden called "Osombie." Hey, you know what this needs? Some actors you've never heard of tilted sideways for no reason! This poster legitimately looks like someone took four Photoshop transparencies and shoved them together without centering anything.
"Axis of Evil Dead" is pretty legit though.
Want to know what's even worse than the diagonal horizon line trend? Floating heads. You want to know what's even worse than floating heads? When the heads floating aren't even movie stars. Ooh, better make sure people know these actors they don't recognize are in it!
At least there's a retarded kid with a gun. That could be cool. Is that Meepers, you think? Has someone been stealing Joe King's movie pitches? (For the uninitiated, most of Joe King's movie pitches start with "There's a 45-year-old man with Down Syndrome named 'Meepers...'")
Armie Hammer is so polite he smiles when he impales you with a sword. I also like the idea of Snow White and the National Stereotype Dwarves. There could be a sleepy Mexican dwarf, a drunk Native American dwarf, an Italian dwarf with terrible B.O. It'd be a great way to introduce kids to stereotypes.
Is that some kind of alien Eiffel Tower thing in the background? Jeez, these action movies will find a way to blow up the Eiffel Tower even if they're set in space.
I can't look at Nic Cage's face in this without cracking up. He's so confused about being in this movie! "Wher am I? When do I steal the Declaration of Independence? Why'd I name my son after Superman?"
If you could turn that (WAH WAH WAAAAH) sound on a trombone into a picture, it would be this picture.
A poster designer who says "F*ck all these movie stars! You know what I like? Dogs!" is my kind of poster designer. My one question: Has anyone on Earth ever used one of those iPhone box code scanner thingies? I still don't know what they do. The fundamental flaw seems to be the expectation that people will think to themselves "Gee, I there was a way to hear more about that advertisement!"
I gather this is a film about Halle Berry's tits? All I can say is that it's about time. Also, that tagline seems like some kind of play on words where they forgot to add any kind of double meaning to make it an actual play on words. You could almost flip the words around and it makes just as much sense. "In Shark Alley, courage runs deep." "In Courage Alley, Shark runs deep." "In Runner Valley, shark courage deep." It's a sad lib.
DON'T LOOK DOWN THERE'S A CHICK FALLING OFF THE POSTER! Aw, she must've been really depressed.
Also, they just released a trailer today, so this seems like a good time to post it.
Meh. That's what I say about this, meh. I've been saying Adam Brody would be a big star any day now for like eight years and I'm tired of being wrong.
GUNS AND FROWNING, GRRRR!
The Bourne posters should be blurrier, to more properly capture the feel of the films.
[pictures via IMPA]