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Twinks in trouble! The cult phenomenon you never knew about

By / 02.17.12

You know how sometimes someone sends you a video, and it’s so intriguing that you end up falling down a rabbit hole of an endless phenomenon you never even knew existed? Today was like that for me. Reader Marc sent me this trailer for 1313: Bigfoot Island. You know those movies where some hot chicks go to a secluded place to put on bikinis, then spend the rest of the film bouncing around while something evil chases them? Of course you do, your mom probably starred in them. Well Bigfoot Island is just like that, only in this case, the hot chicks are muscly, nubile, hairless dudes. The plot of this one is that some hot, preppy dudes go to an island together to hang out shirtless (you know, like bros do), when (*RECORD SCRATCH*) they date rape an island girl, who summons some kind of sasquatch to wreak hairy vengeance. The whole thing is like an elaborate softcore metaphor for bear-on-twink action. It’s kind of brilliant. (My favorite part was the limp-wristed running at 1:16.)
But the story doesn’t end there, because what I found out is that there’s a production company called Rapid Heart Productions and a director named David DeCoteau who make these 1313 movies, and there are like a million of them. The posters all follow the same format — shirtless twinks, mean lady, scary building and/or thing. They are glorious. This might be my favorite poster gallery I’ve put together since Steven Seagal. I especially enjoy the taglines, such as “A paranormal thriller for girls!”
Uh huh, for “girls.” Sure. Anyway, I don’t know if the gay community was already aware of these, but if not, consider this a public service.

"COME AT ME, BRO! SERIOUSLY THOUGH, AIM FOR MY CHEST!"



As chaos and death swirl all around him, PROFESSOR BENSINGTON laments his role in the end of the world, and reveals to us what caused the horror: his research assistant, a young college student named REDWOOD, traveled to San Marino to oversee Professor Bensington’s honey bee experiments. While following the professor’s orders, Redwood inadvertently unleashed a global biological disaster in the form of giant, zombie, killer bees…

Killer ZOMBIE bees. Well I hope it’s not just the bees that are “Africanized,” if you catch my drift.

Treasure hunter SEAN has stumbled across a trove of important and priceless artifacts off the coast of a little-visited Caribbean island. To help him with his project, he has assembled a team of experts to authenticate his finds, only to discover that one of the “experts” has quite another agenda in mind…
Starring Stefan Gatt, Michelle Bauer, Jamel King, Scott Jordan, Kip Canyon, Skyler Hart, Dean Barlage, Joshua Shiver, Ryan Widick, Andrew Vech, David Baracskai

Is this the same plot as that one Matthew McConaughey movie with Kate Hudson? This probably has less shirtlessness.

On an island in the Pacific Northwest, a young woman calls to ancient spirits in order to right the wrongs inflicted on her. For this she summons the mythical beast that has long been rumored to roam the verdant forests. Nearby, a young man readies a cabin for the arrival of his friends. They’ve been coming to this place every year since they were kids, to relax and shape up before the start of a new college year. Only this time, they’re about to meet their worst nightmare.
Starring Nick Chernoff, Steven Love, Alex Fox, Adam Ballantyne, Kathryn Collins, Callum Gunn, Levi Meaden, Al Pitman.

There’s so much “Blue Steel” in this poster that it shorted out my monitor.

A wounded BILLY THE KID staggers into the remote and mostly deserted Western town of Hell’s Heart to recuperate — but soon realizes that he’s pinned down in a trap. The townspeople have been systematically stalked by a tribe of fearful supernatural entities, the Manitou, who now want Billy as their special trophy kill.
Starring Brandon Thornton, Jason Zahodnik, Chelsea Rae Bernier, Lance Leonhardt, Ryan Curry, Ryan McIntyre, Kodi Baker and Michael Hudson.

Oh, look at that cowboy hat on the left. Oh man. I bet all 19th century frontier cowboys wore their hats like that. I wonder how much they paid the historical consultant? This must’ve cost a fortune.

Trent thinks his dream of becoming a top model is about to come true when his agent relocates him to a modelling house in LA. But his dream quickly turns into a nightmare when his male model housemates turn out to be a band of insatiable vampires led by the ruthless and powerful queen vampire Sheila. Sensing Trent’s strong seductive powers behind the camera, Sheila has Trent turned into a vampire. As Trent struggles to overcome the evil that threatens to transform him forever, he discovers he possesses a power greater then that of even the queen vampire herself…a power which could help save his tormented soul.
Starring: Monique Parent, Lee Kholafai, David Flannery, Ryan McIntyre, Brendan Lamb, Logan McNeil, Jordan Witte, Michael Hudson, Danny Beauchamp, and Dj Sheridan.

I vant to suck your…. blood, of course. Seriously, what did you think I was going to say? Why is everyone looking at me like that?

Three nerdy college guys score the summer job of their dreams… only to discover they’ve landed in a nightmare…
The electrifying 25 year reunion of the original queens of scream!
LINNEA QUIGLEY!
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
Creepozoids
BRINKE STEVENS!
Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity
Slumber Party Massacre
MICHELLE BAUER!
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama
Nightmare Sisters
Starring Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, Michelle Bauer, Bryce Durfee, Ryan Curry, Jack Kubacki, Aaron Thornton, William Copsey, Carey Jame

“Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama.” Now that is a title to have on a resume.

During Spring Break, a fraternity built atop the burned ruins of an insane asylum is haunted by a sinister visitor…

This one’s got a short synopsis, but really, what else do you need? A frat house built on a haunted insane asylum, it pretty much writes itself.

Sent to a Gladiator retreat, HERCULES frustrates his fellow warriors with his arrogance, but when his rival CAPANEOUS schemes to poison Hercules, he must learn humility and devise a plan to survive a wrestling match in his weakened state…
Starring Geoff Ward, Brett Zimmerman, Tyler P. Scott, Chelsea Rae Bernier, Priyom Haider, Brendan Lamb, Lance Leonhardt with Laurene Landon as Hera and Lou Ferrigno, Jr. as Zeus.

What do you think happens at a Gladiator retreat? Are there Gladiator team-building exercises? Spartan trust falls?
Six high school students, WILL, CHARLIE, BARTOK, TODD, STEVIE and LINDA, are handed invitations to a party by the school’s mysterious and enigmatic new student, SADDLER.  However, once they enter Saddler’s house, they are each somehow magically transported to a different room, where Saddler reveals their innermost guilty secrets and desires through the use of black magic and exploits them in an attempt to resurrect his mother, a three-hundred year old witch.  One by one, the young people succumb to a centuries-old evil, playing a fiendish chess game against an all-powerful creature, until the survivors overcome their own consciences and struggle to escape him.
Haha, Bartok and Saddler. Move over, Rizzoli and Isles.

ADAM is a graduate student in theoretical astronomy and working on his dissertation. He’s always been interested in what’s ‘out there’ and he finds a perfect opportunity to both work and play…..in Roswell, New Mexico.
Starring Aaron Thornton, Monique Parent, Christian Lake, Priyom Haider, DJ Parker, Kirby Rineheart, Brad Slaughter, Max Foumberg, Matthew Gedz, Scott Jordan.

Serious question: Is theoretical astronomy a thing?

Now 18 years old and very wealthy, JARROD MYCROFT is horrified to learn that a faceless killer is celebrating his birthday by filling his mansion with the corpses of his closest friends…
Starring Jordan Nichols, Michelle Bauer, Jake Madden, Luke Allen, Kayde McMullen, Carey James, Garrett Lewis Mullen, Nate Gill, Andrew M. Gray, Jarrid Balis.

I love you, scary clipart knife.

Rachel, a beautiful young artist, is savagely murdered at her secluded lakefront house by a group of soulless killers. Enraged and shocked by his sister’s senseles murder, Rachel’s brother, Travis, vows to avenge her murder and punish her killers one by one – even if it costs him his soul. Guided by his sister’s ghostly voice that commands him to take brutal revenge, Travis hunts down each of the killers and punishes them in gruesome fashion. Sickened by the horror of his own murderous actions, and driven by his murdered sister’s vengeful spirit, Travis discovers a fate much worse than murder…
Starring: Sebastian Gacki, Emrey Wright, Dean Hrycan, Charlie Marsh, Andrew Butler, Valerie Murphy, Kyle Schwitek, Tyler Burrows and Neil William Hrabowy

God, why couldn’t this have been called “Wifebeater Boyz?”
Check out RapidHeart for the rest of the trailer


TOPICS#TRAILERS
TAGS1313BIGFOOT ISLANDDAVID DECOTEAUGIANT KILLER BEESHOO BOY THAT'S GAYPOSTER GALLERYPOSTERSSHIRTLESSTWINKS

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