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This Week in Posters & Stills: 'Doggie B' Looks Incredible

By 08.17.12
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Every once in a while, you'll get a PR email that's actually worth reading. A good way to tell if one is worth reading? It has a picture of a dog in sunglasses laying down phat beats in it.

On behalf of Phase 4 Films, we are pleased to announce the release of the ALL NEW family comedy DOGGIE B! The film tells the “tail” of a devoted pup and his teenage owner as they enter a Dog Dancing Championship in order to save their Uncle Peter's dance studio. DOGGIE B opens in theatres on August 31st and arrives on VOD September 7th.

SAVING THE DOGGIE REC CENTER! WITH DOGGIE BREAK DANCING! Is there any way this could be less than spectacular?

When aspiring vet Cassie finds out that her Uncle Peter’s dog dancing studio is in danger of closing [PLAUSIBLE. -Ed], she enters her devoted pup Pijo in the Dog Dancing Championships [ALSO PLAUSIBLE. -Ed]. Standing between the grand prize and the glory is ten-time champion Gertrude and her dancing canine Chaos, who will stop at nothing to win. With the help of family and friends, Cassie and Pijo lace up all six dancing shoes, raise the woof, and take on the competition tail on.

RAISE THE WOOF! Man, this might be the best day of my life. My only concern is that the dog with the mini fedora on the right kind of reminds me of Danny Masterson. Wait, did they say six dancing shoes? What does that even mean? They're dogs, right, not mosquitoes? I was in for saving the rec center, but if this involves some kind of sick, doggie centipede, count me out. Anyway, the trailer is below. Does it live up to the synopsis? Let's put it this way: It has its own theme song, a lá Ghostbusters.

See this on acid. It will blow your mind.

CLICK ON, FOR THE REST OF THIS WEEK'S POSTERS! We've got Kevin James MMA fighting, Schwarzenegger being Schwarzeneggry, and new posters from Seven Psychopaths, whose marketing department continues to do a terrible job selling a film that sells itself.

Yes, Brandon Cronenberg is David Cronenberg's son.

After becoming infected with the virus that killed superstar Hannah Geist, Syd March must unravel the mystery surrounding her death to save his own life.

Huh. The only thing I really get from the poster is that I'll be using my sleeve to wipe off the rim of every glass I drink from for the next week. GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU'RE ALL COVERED WITH COLD SORES!

Aw, come on, Cirque Du Soleil. As Patton Oswalt once said, "everything in Cirque Du Soleil is wet and gay and French and on fire." With that in mind, an upside down umbrella floating through a mist of space farts seems a bit tame.

Here's the poster for the don't-call-it-a-remake Dredd movie. Not that I blame them for not wanting to be associated with the Stallone version. Anyway, the poster is nicely minimalist, but it seems like every piece of marketing for this just screams "LOOK AT HIS HELMET! THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE AWESOME, I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS HELMET? HE WEARS A CRAZY HELMET!"

Not going to lie though, I do enjoy a crazy helmet.

Very close to a Dreamworks Face there, isn't it? I guess that was always sort of Kevin James' thing.

It seems weird that they're not playing up the part about him being a cage fighter. I guess they figured if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

BUSINESS MODEL:

  • Put Kevin James in a movie
  • Give him a wacky job (mall cop, zookeeper, teacher/cage fighter, etc.)
  • Make him lean against something in the poster
  • PROFIT.

Three times the action! Three times the comedy! Three times the sunglasses!

I know I'm weird, but if this poster had been designed for me, Tom Arnold would be huge, and the other three would be tiny in the corner. I'm also going to go out on a limb and say that this will probably the last time Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell's names are on a movie poster above the title. And I like Dax Shepard.

This Chevy commercial must have a really big budget.

"The Flying Swords of Dragon Gate." My God, if this movie were any more Chinese, the title would just be a gong sound.

 Yes, thank you, I will see this movie.

I loved Kick-Ass. Kick-Ass had Matthew Vaughn directing and awesome posters. So far the sequel is 0 for 2.

This is probably one of the best movie posters of the last five years.

I lost interest when I found out that guy wasn't The Rock. I hope whoever that guy is uses that gun to threaten people. "WEAR MY NECKLACE, PUSSY! BE MY GIRLFRIEND! C'MON, I'M LONELY!"

I've never cared much about Garrett Hedlund either way, but he was born to play "romantic fifties dude." Also, in case you didn't know, the movie features Kristen Stewart getting topless (link NSFW) and jerking off both dudes in a car. Which seems poorly-timed in light of recent events. But who knows, maybe that whole thing was a publicity stunt anyway. CONSPIRACIES!

Hmm, I like the buckle-y corset, but I don't know, don't you think this could use a few more castles and flying machines and stuff? It seems a little, I don't know, clinical. It's dry. It must be that European sensibility.

Am I supposed to know what that crap in the bottom left corner is? We've got sparks, diagonals, shiny buckles everywhere, characters carrying two (and three!) guns... Jesus, this is busier than Michael Bay directing an 80s hair metal video.

You put Christopher Walken, Sam Rockwell, and Colin Farrell in a Martin McDonagh movie, there is absolutely no way that I'm not going to see it. Throw in Tom Waits holding a bunny, that's just the icing. Really, the only way they could screw this up is by making a bunch of lame Shih Tzu puns-- aw, goddammit. Seriously, this is as good of proof as any that marketing people are terrible.

Though I'll give them a little credit, at least they came up with a logical work-around to the names-not-matching faces problem.

Ugh.

The official synopsis:

From Oscar-winning writer and director Martin McDonagh comes a star-studded, blood-drenched, black comedy. Marty (Colin Farrell) is a struggling writer who dreams of finishing his screenplay Seven Psychopaths. All he needs is a little focus and inspiration.

Billy (Sam Rockwell) is Marty’s best friend, an unemployed actor and part time dog thief, who wants to help Marty by any means necessary.

Hans (Christopher Walken) is Billy’s partner in crime. A religious man with a violent past. Charlie is the psychopathetic gangster whose beloved Shih Tzu, Billy and Hans have just stolen. Charlie’s unpredictable, extremely violent and wouldn’t think twice about killing anyone or anything associated with the theft. Marty is going to get all the focus and inspiration he needs, just as long as he lives to tell the tale.

WHAT WE HEAR: An acclaimed director made whacked-out movie with an awesome cast!

WHAT THE MARKETING DEPARTMENT HEARS: HAHAHAHA, SHIH TZU! SHIH TZU IS HILARIOUS BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE "SH*T!"

Nice. Well, you can't go wrong with Christopher Walken in an ascot.

If Colin Farrell is normal, the rest of us are bridge trolls.

REALLY? AGAIN WITH THE GODDAMNED SHIH TZU PUNS? It's Sam Rockwell! I would watch Sam Rockwell paint a house! Also, if he won't "take any shih tzu," why do you depict him holding a shih tzu? Obviously he must've taken a shih tzu at some point! Do you even understand how double entendres work?!

If I may apologize on behalf of Seven Psychopath's incompetent marketing department by way of a gif...

Hey, bros, I think "girlfriend" has too many letters. HAHAHA, AM I RIGHT, GUYS? HIGH FIVE! (*puts on 'No Ma'am' shirt, puts hand down pants, watches football*)

See also: THE JOKER!

Oh, he's got issues alright. I hear he crashes proms and deflowers virgins. Ha, sorry, Woody, but that's a pretty great story. In the future, we all live in a Braveheart-style world where Woody Harrelson gets primae nochtis, and gets to deflower ALL virgins at their prom.

Hold on, what's this movie about again? I'm confused.

Oy, yet another example of names not matching faces. Though if you look at his eyeline, Woody Allen seems to be struck speechless by Penelope Cruz's breasts, which seems realistic.

And finally, we have the first still from The Tomb, the prison movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone. If you would have put the words "Stallone", "Schwarzenegger", and "prison movie" in the same sentence back in 1987 I would've gotten at least a half chub. It's nice to see some things don't change.

Here's my rendition of how to make this movie even better:

[via the WallStreetJournal]

[all posters via IMPA, except where noted]

 

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TAGSDOGGIE BFLYING SWORDS OF DRAGON GATEFROM ROME WITH LOVEHERE COMES THE BOOMhit and runKick Ass 2ON THE ROADPOSTERSRESIDENT EVILseven psychopathsSPIDERS 3DTHE LAST STANDTHE TOMB
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