Sony’s 3D Spider-Man reboot, The Amazing Spider-Man, starring Scarfield and Emma Stone, directed by Marc Webb (HAHA, SPIDER. WEBB. ROFLTWAT.), doesn’t open until NEXT July, but all the nerdiest of nerdlingtons are already mopping their be-dandruffed brows in anticipation of the Comic-Con panel they’ll probably have to wait in line six hours for. No doubt riding that wave of misplaced enthusiasm, Sony has released this new batch of photos to Entertainment Weekly. At its core, Spider-Man is really a story about a limber young photographer from the city who spends his nights trying to shoot hot webbing on the baddest of bad boys, but within that, there’s plenty of room for minutia. Questions left to be answered. Questions like, what color will his girlfriend’s hair be? Will his web shooters be organic or mechanical? Will he have big hair like a Twilight character? What does his ass look like in the suit? Is it matte finish or glossy? Does he have visible panty line? What color f*ck-me boots? Why am I still typing this?
Jesus Christ, that kid has a neck like a llama. No wonder he’s always wearing scarves.
Take your weak-ass headbutts outta here, bitch, don’t you know that’s Spider-man?
“Have a seat, son. Would you like some delicious freshly ground pepper?”
“Oh no, please, I couldn’t. I just came to reupholster my legal briefs.”
“Do you like my webshooters? The leather cuffs match my western aesthetic, I even have a matching bolo tie.”
Oh f*ck yeah. I wasn’t excited about this before, but now I am. Look at those pert haunches. He just oozes superhero.