THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: Alvin and the Chipmunks, more Hunger Games posters than a rational person could ever want, Mark Wahlberg, Elite Squad, and some other stuff.
This poster: Simon is dressed so bro-y in this, those glasses aren’t nearly enough to keep him from looking like he’s at a fraternity formal. “Hey, bro, you been down to the cabana bar yet? There’s so much hot tail down there, bro, I just wanna stuff it all in my cheeks and save it till next spring. After we finish these coconut shooters, I’m gonna head down there with Ox, Dozer, Mike P, and Pinkeye to meet up with those Theta skanks from the flip cup tournament if you wanna roll. Sack up, pussy! It’s gonna be sick!”
Wait, is that the plot of this? Because I would totally watch that. “ALLLLVIIINN! Wake up, bro, those DG sluts wanna invite us to their foam party!”
Wait, which one is this? Alvin? I can’t tell if he’s not wearing shades, busting ollies on his skateboard, or shredding tasty licks on electric guitar. He looks less bro-y and more like he wants to sell me paper towels.
My God, that face is creepy as hell. No wonder he always wears sunglasses.
Theodore is totally the Flounder to Simon’s Otter. “Come on, Theo! Pop that collar, fag!”
“Bro, this holiday’s gonna get so squeaky. Hells yeah I’m talkin bout my bed springs! Wanna see my Oh face? Oh, oh, oh (*dry humps pledge*).”
There, that’s the super-cool Alvin I know. It’s funny, jean styles change, swimsuits instantly date you, and hair is different every two or three years, but peering over the tops of your dark shades to look cool has been in style for like 70 years now.
“I wondah if Wahlburgahs is open right now. All this tapin pictahs up on my fackin’ wawll has given me a wicked burgah cravin.”
Here’s the first of like 10 of these Hunger Games posters. WARNING: They’re all just as boring as this one.
Oh snap, this movie’s got a Swedish dude who wears t-shirts? Well I think it goes without saying that I couldn’t miss that.
Oh look, it’s Guile meets Taylor Lautner with a girl’s name.
AUUUGHHH! THESE V-NECKS ARE MAKIN’ ME PENSIVE!
This is set in a post-apocalyptic world with hardly any food, but plenty of hair product, apparently. The “ICE Spiker Games” just didn’t have the same ring to it.
Oh look, it’s Effie, the dystopian cigarette girl! Seriously though, what the f*ck is this movie about?
Oh hell yeah, Woody Harrelson with lady hair.
“What? No, I didn’t say ‘Hey, Mitch.’ I said my name was Haymitch. Haymitch Supdawg, attorney at law.”
Jesus Christ, how many more of these are there?
Sorry, that was me banging my head against the keyboard. Anyway, I don’t know if I should be proud or embarrassed that I correctly identified this as Lenny Kravitz.
“What? Yeah, sure I’ll do the movie. But make sure they’ll let me wear a shirt with ruffles down the front, I’ve got an image to maintain.”
Ha, skunk flag, I get it. Probably trying to get to a Raider game.
“Unlock this crappy poster,” those keys seem to be saying.
I saw this a couple weeks back — I should have a review coming up soon. It was probably the only time I’ve come out of a Herzog film feeling more misanthropic than Herzog himself. Anyway, pretty solid poster.
Werner! Werner, my God, have you been stabbed?
(*bleeding profusely from the belly*) Ja. Eez not a seegneeficant knife wound.
My God, I’ll go get a doctor!
(*grabs producer by the lapels, stares deeply into his eyes*) Nein. Za poet must never look away. Vitness za cold eendeeference of nature. Eez beautiful.
Well I think it goes without saying that I’d see this movie.
Oh boy, another exciting look at Marilyn Monroe, the most fascinating sexual icon of her generat– zzzzzzzzzzz. Jesus, we get it already, Baby Boomers, she was pretty.
Zac Efron, Jon Bon Jovi, Ludacris, Katherine Heigl, and Sarah Jessica Parker – TOGETHER AT LAST! Not to mention Josh Duhamel and Robert DeNiro, who I’m sure combine into some kind of cinematic nitroglycerin.
Oh, and I guess this means I have to put together another version of this poster starring Terrence Howard in different hats.
I think the backlash against Eisenhower-era conformity has now officially swung too far in the opposite direction, don’t you? It’s sending a dangerous message to today’s kids. How about, instead of “you don’t become a hero by being normal,” something different, like “You don’t become a hero by being normal. But still, maybe try not to act like such an asshole.”
“You’re special, but let’s face it, you’re not that special.”
“Three minus one equals zero.” Ooh, am I supposed to be impressed by your bold, anti-math stance? Is the baby dense, is that what you’re tying to tell me? Because they have tests for that nowadays, you know.
This movie is so ass-kickingly awesome it makes my teeth hurt. I’m pissed they quoted those other guys and not me. Oh, I’m sorry, your highness, was I too honest? No room on the poster for a quote like “It kicked my balls up my ass and shat them back onto my chest while two-hand tapping an Eddie Van Halen solo?” Excuse me for being a man of passion.
“Inspired by true events.” Congratulations, your movie now has THE MOST MEANINGLESS JACKET COPY EVER DEVISED!
One time I headbutted a girl, so I wrote a movie about it starring Channing Tatum.
Almost every single person who’s seen it has nothing but good things to say about this movie, Tilda Swinton is great, and John C. Reilly is unstoppable, but the trailer looks… bad. Like, direct-to-DVD bad. I mean seriously, evil clowns? Hopefully it’s just bad marketing.
[posters via IMPA]