You can see the full version of this new Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie poster on the next page, but I think it’s pretty clear that this one’s my favorite of the week. Absurdist graphic art is kind of Tim & Eric’s “thing.” I mean if they couldn’t do a sweet poster, they’d have no hope of a two-hour movie. Anyway, I like to imagine the stuffed wolf they’re riding is one of the wolves that Liam Neeson punched to death in The Grey. “Yarr, the only think you’ll be eatin’ is sawdust at the taxidermist, ya mangy fooker.” (*straps broken bottles to knuckles*)
My one criticism? Needs more Robert Loggia. Of course, I say that about everything. Speaking of, someone sent me this old commercial the other day. The guy who came up with it was clearly a man after my own heart.
If you schaaay sho, Mr. Loggia!
I have to wonder how “Merry Chipmas” translates in German. Regardless, I still remember the first teaser for the first Chipmunks movie, where Simon ate one of Theodor’s turds. Of course they’d be big in Germany, Germans love that stuff. Poop, I mean.
“You think you know the story,” but then next thing you know, the cabin’s all flipped turned upside and you’re like “DAMN! I spilled coffee on my crotch! And where did all the stock horror-movie teens go?! This is so confusing! I knew I shouldn’t have let the MC Escher travel agency plan my vacation!”
Honestly, I don’t get these genre movies. This is just every horror movie ever, but less sexy, isn’t it?
[trailer here, by the way]
Remember how Will Ferrell is doing an entire movie in broken Spanish? I’m gonna be super sad if this isn’t totally awesome.
Christian Bale is sad, because the fog is so thick, and his girlfriend is so small. That’s what happens when you date an Asian chick, dude. Gaaaaah, floating heads attack! Also, those are pretty glamorous hairstyles for WWII-era Nanking residents. But then, I haven’t seen the film. Maybe they’re his back-up dancers or something. That could be pretty righteous.
The blood flower looks like a blood butterfly and it makes Christian Bale sad. :'(
It must be cool to be able to draw flowers and stuff like that. I can barely draw a turkey using an outline of my hand.
Am I gonna walk around and pretend to be a corpse in the background of YOUR scene? Then WHY the F*CK are you corpsing right through — AT DA DAT DA DAH — like this in the background? What the F*CK IS IT WITH YOU?! F*ck’s sake man you’re amateur.
The NHL has suffered low television ratings for years, presumably because ignorant Americans think hockey is just bunch of meatheaded goons out there punching each other, rather than talented athletes playing one of the world’s fastest sports at a world-class level. I think this is just the movie to turn public perception around.
I’m kidding of course, Americans love meatheads punching each other. That’s half of our shows.
This poster may win the we’re-not-even-trying-to-explain-why-everyone-is-diagonal award. Diagonal floating heads, that has to be a first. Also, if you’re going to put Gina Carano in your movie, why hide her face in the poster? And maybe show her boobs and vag too, or just the top part of the vag where it’s all shaved (I assume) but you can’t see the flaps or lips or anything. What? Don’t look at me like that, I’m a feminist. I just think women should be able to do stuff like that if they want. It’s about empowerment.
This one’s just called Justice, I posted the trailer awhile back. Basically, Nic Cage becomes a vigilante after someone messes with his wife, but gets more than he bargained for or something. And Nic Cage is probably a shitty bargainer, since he spends millions of dollars on dinosaur skulls and stuff. The poster looks like a mirror image of this one:
I love that picture.
GORILLA WALRUSES! Those are cool. (You can click to enlarge this poster, by the way). Anyway, it seems that John Carter is going to have to Snarfle the Garthok. Yes that was a Coneheads reference.
“Say what you want about our movie, no one can say we didn’t get the word out about it having crazy shit in it.”
I hope that alien dog thingie is voiced by Michael Clarke Duncan in a British accent.
I believe that’s the alien voiced by Willem Dafoe. The origins of our Willem Dafoe meme are pretty hard to explain, but in any case, I thought this was in order:
See, now THAT’S how you sell a movie. I bet those lizard eggs have the finest protein in all the land, and that’s what The Rock has been eating to get so buff. See? A good poster tells a story.
Vanessa Hudgens looks like she’s starring in a porn remake of Tomb Raider. I think it’s the semi-bored look on her face, because Tomb Raider was pretty close to porn to begin with.
Whoa, how’d they get that giant eel to do that stupid thing that Josh Hutcherson always does with his mouth? I worry the harder part is going to be training it to stop.
This poster completes me. The only thing better than this would be hearing Steve Coogan describe this poster in his Michael Caine voice.
My favorite part of this one is that they made Luis Guzman the centerpiece. Do you ever have days where you wish Luis Guzman was your real father? I have those.
Apparently the key to selling the Muppets in Israel is making Miss Piggy look like a young, slutty Barbra Streisand.
I would pay to hear someone with a thick German accent saying “Ewan, Eva, Eva, Ewan” over and over again in the style of Dave Letterman’s “Oprah Uma.”
But how will they know it’s English? I know! Give her a ridiculous hat!
I think we all know what this poster is missing. And it rhymes with “Schmat Bass.”
Every time I see Rachel McAdams’ ass I want to shout “POW!” like Marky Mark’s workout video. I’d be screwed if we were ever both at the same funeral.
Gladstone, aka Reaction Shot Bulldog, is my favorite character already, so it’s nice they made a special poster for him.
What the hell are they driving on? I’m digging the ascot though.
This one’s the Madonna movie. I guess the thought here was that if they put them in shorts, people would forget that it’s about British royalty. Because I think there’ve already been enough British royal movies to last three more lifetimes.
Yes, the dude from Wicker Man is back. Sadly, it’s the classic, 70s version of Wicker Man, not the Nic Cage HOW’D IT GET BURNED remake. Robin Hardy made Wicker Man in 1973, did two movies I’ve never heard of in the mid to late 80s, then this one, which played a few film festivals last year and gets a limited release in January.
Gospel singer Beth and her cowboy friend Steve, two virgins promised to each other, set off from Texas to enlighten the Scottish heathens in the ways of Christ. When they are welcomed with joy and elation to the village of Tressock, the border fiefdom of Sir Lachlan Morrison, they assume their hosts simply want to hear more about Jesus. Beguiled by beautiful, sexy Celtic music, in counterpoint to the bluegrass hymns Beth sings to them, she is elected Queen of the May. Meanwhile an increasingly doubtful Steve becomes her consort, destined to be hunted on horseback by the whole community in a ritual he believes to be an innocent race. Neither of them realize that these honors are being heaped upon them for a purpose that will lead them to a terrifying split end…
I enjoy that they set a b-roll shot of longhorn cattle to country music and put every single character in a cowboy hat just to let you know that they were in Texas. CULTURALLY ACCURATE.
[posters via IMPA unless otherwise noted]