So you want to be famous, but possess absolutely no useful skills, talents or interesting personality whatsoever. It would seem all is lost, but don’t despair, there is still the mostly untapped realm of YouTube famous. This video hosting site which in the past was mainly used for bootlegging movies and TV shows had long lost its geek façade and is now a universal media where any horrible loser such as yourself can shine brighter than an exploding neon-sh*t factory.
If it is fame you crave, simply follow this simple guide to a popular YouTube video and before you know it, you will be snorting cocaine-infused champagne off Finish models’ buttocks (that is what famous people do, right?)
Find A Niche Fanbase That Hasn’t Been Exploited Yet
You would be amazed how much unexplored (and more importantly unexploited) demographics are still left on YouTube. You might think the site is mostly music videos and footage of people getting hit in the groin by various ball shaped objects, but in fact there are many communities out there just waiting for you to use them like a jumping board to a pool full of naked women, who in this metaphor stand for online stardom.
For example, have you ever considered achieving YouTube fame by zit popping? Yeah, exploding pimples are all the rage on YT and had been for quite some time now. Type “zit popping” into the search bar and you will get over a 1000 disgusting results of puss erupting goodness, with some videos boasting over 700k views (Holy Penis!) It turns out you, and 99% of the pubescent teen population, had a limitless supply of white-ish, yellow-ish gold underneath your skin this entire time. Simply grab a camera and push that gold to the surface.
If by an unlucky genetic trait you have been spared a minefield of puss on your face or back, do not despair, because there is still fame to be gained from hilarious acts of what might look like animal abuse. I am talking about cat spanking, a search which wields about 300 videos on YouTube where cat owners gently spank their furballs with massage paddles or their own hands. Some of these videos can get really high traffic, with one exceeding more than a million views. I guess crazy cat ladies have to have something to masturbate to like the rest of us. This market is yours for the taking as long as you are willing to hit animals on camera, and if you are like me, you already have a year’s worth of such footage recorded on VHS and hidden away in your basement.
But if by an incredible set of unfavorable coincidences you happen to be a clear-skinned cat-allergic individual who still dreams of stardom through YouTube, there is another niche group where you might get your big chance: fetishists. You see, it takes all kinds of folks to make the Earth go round, and some of them happen to get a jolly out of seemingly innocent stuff. Stuff which, luckily, does not get flagged on YouTube. Blowing air up your ass, pushing on gas pedals etc – the immortal internet rule that “someone IS masturbating to it, no exceptions” has never been more true than it is here. Find the group you feel the least grossed out with and let their erections be the indicator of your increasing fame.
Never Underestimate The Power Of Cuteness
You want to know what is one of the most famous videos on YouTube, with well over 100 million views, 140 000 written comments and 140 video responses? A 100 second video of a baby laughing. Not a secret screamer, not the kid saying hilarious racists words in a cute baby voice, simply a dumbass toddler laughing for a minute and forty seconds. What… the… hell?
I will tell you what the hell – people love cute stuff and are prepared to focus their attention on anything soft and heartwarming that takes their thoughts away from the unpleasant reality outside their apartments. The more crap-sack the world outside the window, the more people will crave escapist videos of absolute cuteness, like the laughing baby. And you my friend can get on the ground floor of this phenomenon because the people are growing ever more depressed and pathetic, making the “cute” a commodity more precious nowadays than diamond uranium.
Don’t have a baby yet? That’s fine, we can wait 9 months (just be quick about the conception, doesn’t even have to be with a person you like, as long as it happens). Until then let’s consider the alternatives. Just like with the cat spanking before, exploiting animals can be your ticket to thousands of internet fans creaming their undergarments at the mere mention of your name. Let’s examine the case of Maru, who is the best cat (according to this video):
Maru is a Japanese feline which has enjoyed some level of internet fame because it can jump into boxes and generally look adorable. Maru’s owner has posted a couple of videos of the critter and each one easily hit more than a million views, with thousands of comments gushing about how diabetes-inducing-ly cute Maru is (and how (s)he is the best cat). Simply come up with the next Maru (like a precious little hamster that swims around in your toilet… after you throw him in there), put your real name in the video description box and instantly win the game of internet fame.
Be Original And Put Some Work Into Your Videos
Do you know who Benjamin “Yahtzee” Croshaw of “Zero Punctuation” is? Of course you do, if you play video games. Basically anyone who has ever played, owned or even looked at a video game has at one point stolen a line from Yahtzee while talking about console or PC entertainment. The man is, more or less, a somewhat-celebrity on these intrabatwebs.
But it wasn’t always like that for him, with reviewer money pouring in through the windows, and women liking up to go through his garbage. A long time ago Yahtzee started out by producing his own animated reviews of video games and uploading them on YouTube. His original take on reviewing through simple animations and rapid speech caught the attention of the people over at The Escapist who then offered Yahtzee a contract with them. The videos alone were balls-popular but in the end they actually got Croshaw a real-life job. Since then it was free games and the platform to freely call thousands of people morons on a weekly basis, all thanks to the hard work he put into his YT videos.
And from more recent news, you should definitely give ItsJustSomeRandomGuy a glance. ItsJustSomeRandomGuy is the YouTube handle of Michael Agrusso, a Los Angeles voice acting teacher and writer whose videos are racking in hundreds of thousands of views each. What does Agrusso do exactly? He plays with superhero action figures for the camera.
ItsJustSomeRandomGuy started out with just one video featuring Superman and Spider-man parodying the “I am a Mac” commercials, in relation to comic book companies DC and Marvel. The video was short, very clever and about 4 different types of funny, but above all else it was original. The premise quickly grew and so did Agrusso’s characters. Pretty soon he was parodying superhero comic books and movies using a great number of characters, to which (the male ones that is) he always supplied the voices. Combined with the man’s insanely impressive insight into the world of comic book characters, it brought him some level of fame.
How much fame are we talking about here? Well… suffice to say that Jon Favreau, the freaking director of “Iron Man”, went on record and said “I LOVE the Marvel/DC YouTube bits on Iron Man and Dark Knight. Awesome. The Marvel guys love them too.” Hoooooooooly sh*t! That is so money!