I spend a lot of time going through the TV listings. Well, not a lot. The only things I spend a lot of time doing are looking at pictures of ex-girlfriends on Facebook and typing “[profession] + cat” into Google image search (doctor cat is a particular favorite of mine).
Anyway, TV listings. I constantly find myself seeing an awesome name for a TV show — say, “Bad Girls Club” — only to later learn that it’s about ill-tempered bitches, not gun-toting lipstick lesbians (those two categories are not mutually exclusive, but in this case unrelated).
And it’s not just “Bad Girls Club.” There are all sorts of shows whose names are filled with the promise of total awesomeness, but whose executions inevitably leave me disappointed. Here are eight of them — and the changes I’d make.
1. WHALE WARS (Animal Planet)
What it is: Some hippie douchebags go around flinging garbage at Japanese whalers in an effort to stop whaling. They never actually stop any whaling.
What it should be: Whales… AT WAR.
2. BRIDEZILLAS (WEtv)
What it is: The story of awful, awful women and the men sentenced to marry them.
What it should be: Japanese monsters destroying Tokyo after being left at the altar.
3. CATHOUSE (HBO)
What it is: A reality series documenting the lives of prostitutes in a legal brothel in Nevada.
What is should be: A whole bunch of cats in a house.
Now, some of you may say that a TV series about hookers is more interesting than a bunch of cats. That’s a fair point, but keep in mind that the women on “Cathouse” look like this. However, in the interest of fairness, I propose a compromise: CAT HOOKERS!
4. DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER (A&E)
What it is: Creepy guy with a mullet and his family look for bail-jumpers.
What it should be: A bounty-hunting dog with cosplay leanings.
(And to think, the Onion said that this would take all weekend.)
5. DEADLIEST CATCH (Discovery)
What it is: A show about crab fishermen.
What it should be: A game of catch… WITH A GRENADE. Also: there are bears.
6. JAMIE OLIVER’S FOOD REVOLUTION (ABC)
What it is: One health-minded British chef invades America with improving an obese town’s sorry diet.
What it should be: Americans repel British invaders in grocery store food fight.
7. LEAVE IT TO LAMAS
What it is: Former soap star Lorenzo Lamas and his reality-star offspring do, uh, stuff. Basically, it’s about attractive Hispanics.
What it should be: The same thing, but with llamas.
8. ANIMAL COPS: MIAMI
What it is: Cops go around and save animals who are mistreated.
What it should be: Cops… WHO ARE ANIMALS.
Wait, no. That’s not quite right. It’s called “Animal Cops: Miami,” isn’t it?
There. Much better.