You digest their annoying status updates, watch their lame-ass video links and you pretend to humor their picture captions, but when push comes to shove, who on your facebook friends list can you really count on? No doubt your page is already polluted enough with the useless information of those you actually do care about, but sprinkle on top the input from people you’ve acquired through internet osmosis and you’ve got yourself a real orgy of unpredictability. With the Mayan prophecy upon us, killer earthquakes the world over, nuclear warfare and another Jennifer Aniston film in the works, it seems pretty plausible that the End of Days is near. So when that giant crag splits open in the Earth and all of hell’s minions are upon us, it’s going to come down to a moment’s notice that you’ll need to cull your digital friends, leaving only the strongest (and least annoying) to survive along with you.
Your Best Friend’s Other Close Friend:
F-ck. That. Guy. You faked conversation at the bar, the last time your pal brought them along, but ultimately you have to face the inevitable truth: everyone associated with your friends, are not your g–damn friends. Sure it’s trivial and crass, but as cool as their story about those two sisters from Tucson was, their pimp-handed ways will get you nowhere during an event like the apocalypse. Don’t answer their “pokes” or even begin to entertain their chat alerts, it’s up to you and the only people you can count on right now: anybody but this guy.
Alternative: Tell them that you’re all meeting up at the Applebee’s on the far side of town, regardless of whether or not you actually intend to. Most likely he won’t make it far enough to call your bluff, but if he does, he’ll be too distracted with all the free shots and Party Popper appetizers to give a sh-t.
Each of these guys has a best friend and it had better not be you.
That Girl You Once Hooked Up With:
You like to pretend that you have no idea of how she ever slothed her way onto your friends list, when in all reality that’s your exact problem: you do remember how it happened, you’d just rather forget about it. You haven’t talked in months, despite the fact that she keeps tagging you in outdated photographs, and now, as if worrying about flesh-eating zombies wasn’t enough, you’ve got a message waiting in your inbox. Apocalypse or not, this girl hasn’t learned from the past and now she’s once again acting needy, thinking this is going to help her situation. It won’t and guess what else, it won’t improve yours either. Who cares if you’re still hanging onto the image of her boobs that she picture messaged your cell phone at 1:00am, that don’t mean sh-t right now. Let the next guy fall prey to her sheepishly buttoned GAP sweater, not you. You already made that mistake…in Mexico…on Spring Break…in 2002.
Alternative: Tell her that you’ll meet her at her favorite bar. Surely she’ll run out of gas on the way, but at least you’ll rest guilt free knowing that despite the world in ruins, she was excited at the thought of getting to go to the bar one last time.
Honesty is always the skankiest policy.
The Boss From Your Old Job:
You can’t even fathom how this guy has managed to stay alive this long, but he sure knows that you’re his only link to anything socially relevant, even if all that is now a giant mushroom cloud. He was the boss that never really transcended into the “friendship zone” like he had hoped to and yet he was always just too damn pathetic for you to fully hate. This guy has lived down the street from you for years now and, despite you always telling him that you’re busy, he’s once again asking if you’d like to come over and hang. Forget him, it was never your job to make sure he had sh-t to do after closing time. He only ever hired you in the first place in case a customer couldn’t get their own sh-t in the toilet. Though the apocalypse may look it, this is not a toilet, this is your survival. Leave him. Besides, it’s because of this guy’s falsely promised raise that you’re still rocking a cassette player in your car.
Alternative: Offer to drive over and pick him up. Explain that when you get there, the two of you will figure out your next move. When you don’t show, he’ll assume that you were crushed by a landslide on the way and then cozy himself up for another lonely night with his boxed wine.
See, he’s cool because he’s 45…and running his own Gamestop.
Your Girlfriend’s Parents:
It was already painful enough when you initially had to accept their online friendship request, but with lava and hell bats now rapping at your door, you can’t feel bad for your significant other’s parents. It serves them right, too. It’s because of them that you can no longer sprinkle your girlfriend’s facebook page with sexist factoids and Blue Velvet-inspired monologues; it’s because of them that you’re now not allowed to flash the shocker in holiday photos. Sure they claim to be cool and hip, what with the internet and all, but leave it to their outdated souls to try and control you in a situation that has none. There’s only room for one hero in this story and it ain’t them. Besides, you’ve got an advantage that their senile minds can’t even begin to comprehend: you’ve played video games in High Definition.
Alternative: Explain to your significant other that their parents called you to say that they’re already in Tahiti and having a great time. Mention that they said how much they’ve always thought you were the best fit for their offspring and that they’d appreciate it if both of you never call them again.
Hip, cool and bright red! Does it get any better?
The Band You Can’t Remember Why You Added:
You’ve never seen them play live. They’ve never seen your face. And yet, now that their entire fan base has been decimated to dust, now the band wants you to come meet up. Just like the musical whores they are, even after the apocalypse, they need you more than you need them. Cut ties. Their bohemian beards and patchouli stink will only anger whatever is still lurking in the city streets. Toss them away like they did your request for a no-cover door at their last show. End of Days or not, their band was never going to make it anyway.
Alternative: Drop the gauntlet on these schmucks. Let them know that if they want to team up with you, they’ll have to first prove their musical worthiness, even in the event of the apocalypse. Expect them to rehearse so continuously that they’ll forget to even feed themselves and starve. A fitting end for such a musical powerhouse.
“No, we don’t exactly have an album yet, but we do have a sick Myspace page.”
That Friend Who Is Always Traveling:
“Just arrived in Bangkok!!! OMFG these girls are young!” Yay, it’s the friend whose account picture is always a shot of their toes with the horizon in the background. What’s that? Oh, now that there’s no horizon and you’ve lost all of your toes, you’d like to catch up? Haha, f-ck you, my friend. Funny how it took the end of man, in order for this friend to finally shut up long enough to ask you how you’re doing. This person has spent the last three years acquiring locations and acquaintances like Pokemon, but never once thought to pick up a cool foreign gift for you. It’s too damn little, too damn late. Cut ‘em loose.
Alternative: Message them back to explain that you’re already onboard your own private jet. Tell them that had they simply saved some of their travel fund, it would have come in handy in the event of a sh-t storm. Assure them that they’ll be fine and to keep an eye out for the postcard you’ll be dropping in the mail.
I’m still trying to figure out whether or not the peace sign is racist.
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. At least, that’s what some pervy-looking dude in some band once told me. No doubt the apocalypse will be a panicked time for most, but at least after filtering your true friends from the sh-tbricks, you’ll be able to melt into the incendiary flames with peace of mind. Alone or in good company is irrelevant, because if there’s one thing that you’ve learned from the apocalypse, it’s that there are worse things than having no friends at all; it’s being surrounded by those who pretend to be your friend that is the true hell on Earth.
Oh and please don’t worry about me, I live in California. According to the video below, I should be A-okay.
I want more like this!
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