"I bet you guys never would've guessed that my owner would be a fat white lady. Haha, I know, I know, I was as surprised as you are."
For most people, the benefit of owning a dog is the love, the mutual affection, the help living in the moment, the unconditional companionship. And to those people I say, “Hey, nice dog, grandpa. Who groomed that thing for you, Fred Flintstone?” (*AIR GUITAR*)
No, today we’re here to talk about dogs with EXTREME STYLES to match their IN YA FACE RADITUDE. Because some dogs fetch, some chase squirrels, and some scooch their butts around on the carpet. But only dogs with EXTREME GROOMING can MAKE A STATEMENT.
DOUBLE PITS TO HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!
We’re going to start with the more old-school Extreme Dog Grooms. They’re not as fancy, took less money, have simple themes, and required fewer props than some of the competition-groomed dogs. But there’s an indie-dog grooming movement that’s really taking off, which sees them as the more pure, more punk-rock stream of the extreme dog grooming genre, before it got co-opted by the media and got all corporate.
It's not the best I've seen, but pretty impressive considering what they had to work with. Touché, 3rd world kids, touché. For this I shall deign to buy your parents' trinkets after I negotiate them down to half price.
Leopard Dog is no frills, but he understands that at the core of the Extreme Dog Grooming movement is a dog made to look like another animal. Everything else is just fluff.
Lion Dog is simple, but he rocks so hard. He's like the White Stripes of Extreme Dog Grooming.
I thought Sad Panda Pup was pretty cool, until Panda Chow came along and stole his thunder
MUST... CUDDLE... PANDA CHOW...
Skunk Dog tries to hump the cat and barks een a Fronch accent.
Tiger Dog is pretty f*cking high on himself for a dog that barely looks like a f*cking tiger. Assh*le.
"HURRR, my owner owns a Sharpie."
A zebra with blue stripes? That's just stupid. And did someone pee on its side? This just makes me sad. Was that your goal, bush-league dog groomer guy? To make people sad? Well mission accomplished.
That's a nice cow dog. But a bell? That's a prop. I dunno, bro, people are saying you've sold out.
And now, folks, it’s time for the pure breeds, the XXTREEEEME dog groomers for whom excess is its own reward, to whom restraint is a sh*t stain in a hobo diaper. So here they are, the most XXTREEEEME DOG STYLES for the most RADICAL DOGS ever created. KICK FLIP TO OLLIE TO PARKOUR SLIDE.
Here we see the proud American buffalo poodle in its natural habitat: in front of a greenscreen. An even sadder picture shows frontier men standing on enormous piles of buffalo poodle skulls after it was nearly eradicated by sport hunting in the late 1990s.
Scientists say Camel Poodle can go almost two weeks between crotch sniffs.
"If I have to see her belly dance for me one more time, I will eat all the rat poison in the house and wash it down with blue toilet water, I swear to f*cking God."
"My owner uses my poop to grow hallucinogenic mushrooms."
The dog's legs are blue because they're part of the water that the baby duck is floating in. Bet you feel pretty stupid for asking that now, huh, dumbass.
"As you can see, I've been groomed to look like a Clydesdale, while my owner is dressed as 'lesbian stereotype.'"
"Dear Lord, please turn me into a Dragon Poodle with wings, so I can fly far, far from here."
"Did somebody say 'Dragon fly'? I hate my life."
"My owner blows guys for fake gold at Ren Faires. True story."
Freedom isn't free.
"I used to tour with The Cure."
"Wait, what's my motivation here? Am I supposed to be, a flower bed? I'm playing a f*ckin flower bed? My agent is so fired."
"I want to eat some Acacia leaves. Not to get into character, because they're poisonous."
"I wish I actually was a fish so that when she dyed me to look like another animal I could forget it in five seconds."
"Hey, get this Asian chick off me, you know she's just gonna crash me into a tree."
"As you can see, my ass is a horse, and behind me, a horse's ass."
"If anyone tries to ride me, I will sh*t right here on this floor, I swear."
"Am I supposed to be Legally Blonde? Jackie O? You know what, I don't care, just someone please shoot me."
"I come from the future. It's... really, really gay there. Oh, and my name is Sam, in case you didn't catch that."
"Yup, she spent 12 hours turning me into a f*cking ninja turtle, then herself showed up in public wearing novelty OR scrubs. Can you call Dog Protective Services? Bitch is 5150 for sure."
"Is that the door over there? Good, I'm f*cking leaving."
"Arf, arf, I'm a peacock. F*ck you."
"Oh right, because no one would've understood it without the feathers."
"Great, thanks for the forehead feather. NOW I feel like a douchebag."
"The pink fish on my body really brings out how much I wish she was dead"
"Next time give me a real gun as a prop, I f*cking dare you."
"Hut, hut, help me kill myself."
"Gobble gobble God I hate you."
"Why is there a zebra on my ass and yet I have a lion mane? Because my owner is an assh*le, that's why."
I want more like this!
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