They call him “Macho Man” Randy Savage. It’s a name that strikes with everyone: all the guys want to be him and all the girls want to be with him. The mere sight or mention of his name should excite you in ways that are both confusing and profound and the only reason it wouldn’t is because you’re either deaf, blind or a deaf and blind corpse.
But how does one ascend to the level of Macho Man? According to popular urban legend, one must slay Randy Savage in armed combat. But until someone is foolish enough to charge him with a weapon and prove this theory once and for all, please feel free to consult this guide on how you can best be “Macho Man” Randy Savage without having to put yourself at risk of being snapped into like so many Slim Jims.
Step One – The Look
The first and easiest step on your descent into Macho Madness is to emulate the appearance of Randy Savage. Most men in the field of professional wrestling define themselves through feats of strength, but Savage’s machismo comes from the subtle, perplexing atmosphere crafted by his futuristic space cowboy look, seen below.
Seriously, would you mess with a guy who’s willing to dress like this and walk out in front of thousands of people on a nightly basis? That grimace is either a sign of confidence not seen since the likes of Napoleon himself or a man who has seen something so terrible, so mind shreddingly horrible, that it plunged him tassels first into the very heart of darkness.
However, it’s a bit difficult to gather all of these items, let alone from the same place. I’m pretty sure if you walk into an Old Navy and ask them where they keep the pleather cowboy hats and large golden belts they’ll promptly show you to the door. Thankfully there are several simpler varieties of Macho Man to choose from, such as:
The Sequin Sultan
By sporting a bandanna and what appears to be Ziggy Stardust’s housecoat you can better dress for success while confusing your nemesis as to what your actual gimmick is supposed to be. Also, if you angle your arms just right you can blind people from up to thirty meters away.
The Macho King
The addition of a crown can do wonders. For one, it lets people know you’re a king. How many people do you know can call themselves a king and have sufficient head wear to back up their claim? Oh yeah, none. With your stake to the throne now firmly in place you can spend less time worrying about folding chairs to the skull and even less time trying to coordinate your outfits at all.
The Old Guy
This motif is only recommended if shaving your beard would result in the lass of your mall Santa gig.
Step Two – The Voice
Once you’ve settled in which Macho Man you are, it’s time to tackle the voice. This may be the most difficult aspect to grasp, simply because his voice has the physical properties of sandpaper. If the sound of you speaking doesn’t naturally strip paint from nearby walls then you’re better off not attempting to emulate the sound of his voice as it may result in injury to yourself or a loved one.
The best route to take when imitating Macho Man is to try and adapt his mannerisms while speaking. This includes the following:
It doesn’t matter what you say so long as it makes sense to you and make liberal use of the word “yeah.” Should someone actually question what it is you’re trying to convey, drop a couple of popular culture references to cement your non-point.
Your next step is to kick up the volume. Completely disregard the concept of an indoor voice, because seriously, f*ck walls and those who dwell within them. Your strong, bewildering words not only need to be heard, they need to serve as a fist that can strike the very balls of God.
Once you’re both loud and incoherent, it’s time to combine these elements into one. Let your emotions run wild like stampeding beasts. Here’s a few indicators to tell if you’re doing this properly:
- Have you picked a fight with at least three different people?
- Have you threatened to violate another man’s marriage through revenge sex?
- Are you wearing a bandanna?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions, please refer to this handy video guide for reference.
Once you’ve mastered speech it’s time to put your new found skill to good use, by which I mean rap.
According to the Macho Man Theory of Urban Youth Culture, rapping is little more than rhyming to a catchy beat. Referring back to our “Rambling” lesson, you don’t even need to make any sort of sense. Of course, if you’re looking to up the ante, feel free to take a more direct approach with the rhythmic arts by recording a wicked dis track about a long time rival.
Of course, you have a family friendly image to think about, so try not to cuss, okay?
Step Three – The Elbow
We’ve already covered the senses of sight and hearing, let’s move on to touch. Specifically, you’re going to be touching people with your elbow, preferably while falling from a tremendous height.
As described by Miyamoto Musashi in his opus The Book of Five Rings, the elbow is your body’s natural equivalent to a gun. Mastering the art of the lethal elbow is a long and arduous task, but as you can see the results are well worth it.
But there’s more to the flying elbow drop than simply driving your arm into someone’s chest cavity. There’s more to being macho than classy old-man violence. You need a tender side, too, as showcased in Savage’s chart-topping ballad “What’s That All About (Pretty Lady):”
I want more like this!
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