The physical characteristics of the ginger (not to be confused with the redhead) are unappealing. Their curly, frayed red hair sits above a face beset with disgusting freckles and blemishes, and that’s on top of ghostly white skin which is almost translucent. It really is disgusting. But their failures do not end at the physical level. See, I have a theory when it comes to those of a redder perspective. That, when put on a relative scale, a ginger will always be the negative outlier of said scale. This does not mean that every ginger is the worst in their practice, but that a single ginger will be. For example, the worst lawyer is a ginger, the worst doctor is a ginger, and the worst police officer is a ginger, but not every ginger is the worst.
Allow me to explain. Let’s examine the field of professional stand up comedy. Obviously, to be a stand up comedian, one has to be somewhat funny. But within that field, there are variations between how funny someone is, even if those variations are subjective. Despite the subjectivity, I feel that we can all agree that the least funny person in the professional stand up comedian community is Carrot Top. Not coincidentally, Carrot Top is a ginger. However, Louis C.K. is also a ginger, and he happens to be very, very funny. Carrot Top is not the worst because he’s a ginger, he’s the worst because he’s not funny. The fact that he’s the worst and a ginger, is exactly my point. Join me as I examine this phenomenon in the world of sports, won’t you?
Ethan Albright is a center in the NFL who was an undrafted free agent out of UNC in 1994. Well, I should say he was a center, because he hasn’t played that position in the league. Instead, he’s put his snapping talents to use as a long snapper for the Dolphins, Packers, Bills, and, most recently, Redskins. To his credit, Albright was a Pro Bowl player for the 2007 season, but I assume that the Pro Bowl long snapper spots are picked out of a hat at random, or sold to the highest bidder.
If you didn’t see him in action during the Pro Bowl (and honestly, who didn’t?), you may recognize his other claim to fame. Albright was honored as the lowest rated player in Madden 2007, a 53 out of 99. For those who may not be that familiar with the Madden rating scale, a 53 is horrendously low. Hell, Matt Lineart at least broke 70, and he’s wasted half the time he’s on the field. You know what else was rated a 53? Ben Rothelisburger’s sexual harassment ability. Plaxico Burress’ “how to carry a handgun” rating was at least pushing 60. Needless to say, Ethan Albright is a horrible football player, most probably due to his flesh tones, or lack thereof, and head fire.
Brian Scalabrine is one awful excuse for a human being, and that’s not just because he’s a ginger. It’s not even because he’s a horrible basketball player. Nor is it because he plays basketball in Boston, the ginger mecca.
After not even stepping on the court of the six games of the 2008 NBA Finals, Scalabrine, who really is God awful, proceeded to talk shit to the media. Why does he even have a press conference? I don’t care if he just won the Nobel Piece Prize for being hilariously terrible, I never want to hear about anything Brian Scalabrine has to say. Ever. He’s such an awful player that statistical analysis alone can’t give you a sense of his lack of talent. It needs to be contextualized. Watch, as Scals demonstrates his play making ability.
I don’t even know who Seth McClung is, but a website that teaches parents how to raise gingers (how to raise gingers? Let them be adopted by wolves) said that he was a pitcher in the major leagues for the Devil Rays and Brewers. So I did some follow up research and found out that he’s not very good. Throughout his 6 seasons in the MLB, McClung has gone 26-34 with a 5.46 ERA. As the most negative outlier, it’s his responsibility to pull the performances of everyone else down. He’s like the guy in class everyone hates because he ruins the curve with his “studying” and “lack of drinking before noon 5 days a week.”
McGwire is the first ginger that attempts to debunk my theory. And, to his credit, Big Mac had a great MLB career. Hitting .263 with 583 home runs, and knocking in 1,414 RBIs throughout 16 seasons in the majors, breaking Roger Maris’ single season home run record in the process. Unfortunately for gingers around the world, he was jacked up on steroids. The slugger almost single-handedly destroyed credibility in baseball, and was one of the guiltiest parties in what will forever be referred to as the ‘Steroid Era.’ Needless to say, without the help of PEDs, Mark would have been the Ethan Albright of Major League Baseball. Another thing of which McGwire is the negative outlier? Testifying before Congress.
The Flying Tomato is without question the most successful ginger athlete. He’s dominated professional snowboarding and excelled in the world of professional skateboarding for years now. Although one could question whether or not those are actual sports, I will do no such thing. He, like Louis C.K. is a ginger who is not the negative outlier for his field. That does not mean that a ginger is not the worst professional snowboarder or professional skateboarder, just that it isn’t the
well dressed man color blind prick pictured above. While Shaun’s ginger status isn’t seen in either of these fields, it is seen in the world of douchebags, in which he has been a pioneer for years. A perfect candidate for why gingers should be banned from reproduction. Not even Stephen Colbert can make him entertaining.
|The Colbert Report||Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c|
Let’s hope the infamous Martian Luther King Jr. of gingers (pictured at top) gets word of my theory. I would love to hear his rebuttal. I bet there would be a plethora of diagrams and figures showing the anthropological and evolutionary history of gingers. Seeing him get so flustered makes me feel better about myself for some reason. Is it because I’m a horrible person? Possibly, but it’s really worth a gander if you have the time.