Dear Brody… urh… Adrien… uhm… Hi?
How’s every little thing? Good, I hope. You still with January? How’s she holding up? Good, I hope. Yup… yup… Ah hell, look man, I am so sorry to do this to you via letter (might as well have carved this into a dead hobo planted in your bathtub, right? Ha, ha, ha…). It’s just, we haven’t seen each other in so long I don’t know if I’d be able to say what I want to say if we were meeting face to face. Of course I hardly think that’s entirely my fault. Where the hell were you for the last couple of years? I went to see “Star Trek” when it came out ‘cause I remembered you said you will be there, but then you weren’t, and then later I heard you were in something called… The Brothers Bloom? Was that a gay porno? But I am just making excuses. The truth is nobody’s really at fault for why we haven’t been hanging out lately. It just happened, but it also gave me time to take a step back, and… you know what? I will just go ahead and ask it.
Adrien… are you a monstersexual?
Before you start tearing this letter up, let me say right now that it’s OK! I am not here to judge, I am here to find out the truth. See, a while back I heard about “Splice” and thought “Hot damn, a horror sci-fi movie by the Cube guy, starring my old buddy Adrien? Baby, where have you been all my life? I want to imprison you in my basement until you’re ready to trade sexual favors for food and water.” So I went into the movie, the lights went off and what did I see? I saw you giving the old pork sword to a Pokémon.
However, after overcoming my initial state of shock—and exchanging information with a very cool older dude on whose shoes I vomited—I realized that I probably should have seen this coming the minute you signed up for King Kong. Don’t get me wrong here, Adrien! You’re a fine actor and you can do a lot of things! Good things! Amazing things…! But action is not one of them. I am sorry but with your girlish voice, twiggy arms, and a frame so tiny you could take cover behind a starving broom handle… I just could not see you as a slayer of giant apes. Unless of course, there was something else… attracting you to the movie, like getting a little second-hand monster action off of Naomi? By getting closer to her, maybe you were… I don’t know… being WITH Kong by proxy? Were you trying to do that? You gotta tell me if you were doing that! I’ll still be your friend but… I need to know.
You and me, we go way back. 2002? The Pianist? Shit, that movie was tight. I constantly felt the desperation and sorrow in your performance, and I will admit I even got misty eyed, dammit! If it’s wrong for a man to admit that he was touched by another man deep inside him then I don’t want to be right. The point is, even back then I knew you and me will be good buds. You were like a new and improved Keanu Reeves, and we need another Keanu Reeves after our old one lost the ability to express any emotion other than a confused scowl.
But I am getting off topic so… Are you sexually attracted to monsters? The reason why I am making such a big deal out of it is because I was watching the Internet yesterday and I came across the trailer for your new Predator movie. Now, you know how much I love the Predator (you’ve seen the dinner plates and the handmade porcelain figurines), and you also know how good I am at over thinking stuff. The way I see it, in your new movie on one hand we have the Predator, an organism designed by Satan himself to hunt prey. On the other… we have you.
And you think you can take down THE Predator? The one Arnold Schwarzenegger needed a whole movie to kill after losing a squadron of men who would need 2 trucks full of anti-steroids to be considered huge? I don’t care how many people you will have on your Predator hunting team. All action movies end with a 1 on 1 showdown between the villain and the hero, only now the hero is you!
For Pete’s sake, last I heard even a whisper about you, you were in “The Darjeeling Limited” worrying whether you love your wife or not. But then it hit me. I know why you’re starring in “Predators.”
You want to rape the Predator.
I am going to see this movie tomorrow to confirm whether I was right or not, but I want you to know this: no matter what happens, I won’t cut you out. We can get you help, professional help, and I will be with you during every step! If it turns out I was wrong, I’m having a BBQ next week. It starts at 7 and it’s BYOB. Hope to see you there!
Your best friend,