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Everybody Hates LeBron

Decision 2010: 10 Things LeBron James Might Announce on His ESPN Special

By / 07.07.10

LeBron James made pro sports history when he announced that he would host a one hour TV special on ESPN to announce with which team he would sign as a free agent. Rumors have been swirling about this remarkable athlete – a once-in-a-lifetime phenom that we are lucky, as Nike puts it, to witness – and every sports analyst, expert, pundit, and mouth-breathing opinion-maker (including this handsome blogging devil) has had an opinion as to where King James will sign.

Moreover, we’ve seen the hyperbolic emergence of inside sources, anonymous GMs, people close to the situations, and wire-tapped rodents hidden in uncomfortable orifices. Nothing has been sacred throughout this NBA free agency period leading up to today’s official signing period. In fact, some experts have even said that this behavior by the teams and free agents (namely James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade) has all but wiped out the NFL Players Union’s chances of eliminating the franchise tag in the Collective Bargaining Agreement. That’s how powerful this beast they call LeBron truly is.

Remarkably, James has been able to keep an air-tight lid on his decision-making process. None of his friends or business associates has leaked any pertinent information. In fact, the majority of the sports media has looked foolish (not this charming and witty lothario of the lexicon, though) in reporting the destinations of the NBA’s top free agents. But then, that’s where our sports media has arrived today – to a world in which credibility, accountability, accuracy, and most of all the abolition of anonymity are simply figments of the imagination.

So where then will this LeBron James athlete-of-the-gods wind up? When he appears on ESPN live to talk about whatever it is he’ll spend an entire hour talking about, where will he ultimately choose to play for the next five or six years of his professional basketball career? Luckily, you can forget about Stephen A. Smith and his done deals. You can forget about Michael Wilbon and his rumblings. You can forget about Chris Broussard’s breaking news about ESPN programming. My inside-secret-anonymous-in-the-know-person-close-to-the-situation-former-current-future-GM-in-on-the-bidding-process source has laid out 10 possible scenarios that will unfold tonight.

LeBron Will Sign with One of 30 NBA Teams

OK, let’s start with the boring and obvious possibility – he’s going to pick a team that’s going to pay him $20 million per year for 5 or 6 years. Big whoop, like this is a real stretch. You want to know what team he’s going to pick? He’s staying with the Cleveland Cavaliers. You disagree? Fine, he’s going to be a sissy boy and let Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh win a title for him in Miami. No? Whatever, he’s a Bull. Just pick a team and get out of my media, because I don’t give a squirt about this option. Bottom line – I believe that deep down inside, LeBron is actually a person who cares very little about money and fame. I believe he bases his decisions on accomplishment. If he decides to remain in the NBA, LeBron will announce that he is signing with the Indiana Pacers. You never saw it coming.

LeBron Will Announce His Retirement

Do you know how many guys are lucky to keep a job for seven years in this economy? LeBron’s tenure with the NBA is, like, a miracle of employment. If – and this is a huge if – any team actually wants to employ a guy who has been in the league for 7 years, they’re not going to want to pay a salary valued at an eighth year. Most likely, the Knicks or the New Jersey Nets will end up signing a foreign player with a basic level of experience to replace James. LeBron should retire and settle into a nice life in the Midwest as the owner of a bed and breakfast that caters to single elderly women with degenerative skin problems. He should be a hero for once instead of clogging the workforce in jobs that offer no room for advance. It’s not like he’s going to get that big promotion to center that he’s always wanted.

LeBron Will Sign with a WNBA Team

A lot of NBA players and entertainers have been greatly influenced in their lifestyles by legendary Hollywood films. For instance, Scarface is huge within the hip hop community. Country music singers like the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. The guys in Nickelback are huge fans of Dude Party: Volume 69. My point is that I have it on good authority that the majority of NBA players consider Juwanna Mann to be the greatest movie in the history of mankind. LeBron could one-up players like Paul Pierce and Tracy McGrady – who I know for a fact have Juwanna Mann posters on their bedroom walls – by actually flying to Switzerland and having full-body reconstructive transgender surgery to become… LeBrenda Joans. Watch out, Diana Taurisi!

LeBron Announces the Creation of His Own League

The biggest knock on LeBron these past two months is that without a NBA championship he has failed to fully capture the global market, unlike L.A. Lakers superstars Kobe Bryant and Adam Morrison*. Instead of being the guy who needed Bosh or Wade to win a title, LeBron should make his own league. He can create his own championship trophy and then travel the world, challenging foreign players and American players alike to one-on-one contests. With this strategy, LeBron can pick his own schedule and opponents, have his offseason whenever he wants, and he’ll never have to worry about revenue sharing. Most of all, he won’t have to worry about pesky teammates having sex with his mom.

*Not a superstar, hardly even a Laker

LeBron Will Become a Professional Wrestler

Two words, Bron-Bron: Karl Malone. Late in Malone’s NBA career he wanted to finally step out of the shadow of Michael Jordan and become a global icon of his own. So he did the smartest thing that anyone could have done – he wrestled with Diamond Dallas Page in the WCW. LeBron and Malone are so similar in their careers that joining a wrestling organization like Total Nonstop Action right now would be a smart move for a healthy James. Obviously LeBron can’t be a part of the WWE, because that’s the marquis wrestling organization with world-recognized champions. Maybe if LeBron works hard he could eventually get there. But aside from being a great scoring forward, LeBron is on steady pace to go his entire career without ever winning a NBA title, just like Malone. Notice that I didn’t mention Dennis Rodman’s wrestling exploits. That’s because he wasn’t a loser.

LeBron Will Play for Mister Swackhammer and the Nerdlucks

By signing with the Chicago Bulls, LeBron would be playing in the shadow of No. 23 for at least the next 5 years. He’d never hear the end of ruthless heckling like, “Hey guy who hasn’t won a championship, you don’t have any championships!” and other such terrible things that people yell at sporting matches. Instead, LeBron could join up with the same intergalactic team that once kidnapped Jordan and forced him to play amidst threats of interplanetary slavery. Forget a NBA title, this is galactic business we’re talking about here. Do you think the Chinese market is going to care about the jersey of LeBron James as a NBA champion or the vernpuliar-glaxtic-plasma body chamber of the Large Magellanic Cloud Galaxy’s Most Valuable Bipedal Life Being? Ha, I know, right?

LeBron Will Enter Politics

Just like New York Knick legend and NBA Hall-of-Famer Bill Bradley, LeBron could parlay his regional fame into a strong career as a man of the people, serving the masses as a politician. Again, though, Bradley was a NBA champion by his third season. LeBron is heading into his eighth season and all he has to show for it is a nice collection of sunglasses and some meaningless individual titles of self-worth. If LeBron does choose to get into politics, he should start with a position that the blue-collar American – or in this case Ohioan – can appreciate. Maybe start with his Homeowners Association in Akron. He could show his leadership capabilities by enforcing new mailbox regulations. Then he can move up and help defend the millions of little people who have never won a championship either.

LeBron Will Join the Cast of Glee

He’s shown off his creativity in his Nike and Sprite commercials, and LeBron has shown off his dance moves at all of the NBA All-Star Games that he’s played in since joining the league. But since he hasn’t been able to show off how he’d dance at something like, oh I don’t know, a championship parade, there isn’t really a better place for him than the cast of Fox’s super talented music comedy show, Glee. LeBron could sign on as the new kid who looks 15 years older than the character he’s playing, but you’ll just need to believe that he’s Truscott Q. Merrifeather, the state’s top high school basketball player. But God knows he just wants to sing and dance as a means of expressing how sad it makes him that he can’t win the state title on his own.

LeBron Will Create His Own Series of Vampire Novels

LeBron has often said – joking or not – that he wants to be the richest man in the world. And if he won a pesky, old NBA title while doing that, he’d just be wasting his time by melting the Larry O’Brien Trophy down into gold bars to add to his Scrooge McDuck-like vault of wealth. Instead, he should tap his literary vein and learn from author Stephanie Meyer, who created a vast fortune with very little talent at all. LeBron, on the other hand, can focus his immense basketball talents and channel that energy into trying to win a Pulitzer Prize in Literature for a spectacular new vampire series about an immortal killer chasing true love for seven years before finally giving up and letting other vampires win the love for him. Then readers will say, “Oh look, the vampire LeBron finally found true love.”

LeBron Will Start a Cult

The best way for King James to really make people treat him like royalty would be to get religious about it. By creating his own religion, LeBron could put himself at the absolute center of the universe, instead of just the sports media. Then tens – no hundreds! – of thousands of people could convince themselves that he is the chosen one. They could say that LeBron is a man who should have to work for nothing and we should just bow down before his feet and expect that he will perform miracles. Yes! I am a believer already! Oh LeBron, taketh us unto thine promised land, and win not these false idols, but lead us to a new future in which you are the most perfect of all men! This is perhaps the best idea. But where could we ever find hundreds of thousands of people who would worship the man and expect him to give of himself without ever hurting them?


TAGSClevelandFree AgencyGleeKing JamesLeBron JamesLISTSNBAOhioTwilightVampires

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