The 90s were a pretty happening decade. The USSR has just fallen, Lara Croft’s pixilated woman-meats were helping a whole generation of boys “discover” (masturbate) themselves, and Ted Turner was trying to save the environment with his very own Saturday morning cartoon. That show was Captain Planet, a tale of 5 teenagers with attitude and various ethnic backgrounds using magical powers to battle the evil Rita Repulsa and her army of… no wait, that’s Power Rangers…How silly of me. Captain Planet was a story about 5 teenagers with attitude and various ethnic backgrounds using magical powers to summon a flying, vaguely homoerotic Superman to fight evil polluters and spew out retarded one-line jokes. How can a show with such a strong premise possibly turn out bizarre, you ask? Take a look:
Season 6, Episode 6 – “A good bomb is hard to find”
Perfecting a working time machine, a future Dr. Blight travels into the past to deliver a terrifying message… of peace. It seems that we humans eventually get our act together and by 2014 the entire planet turns into a walking hippie commune where war and weapons no longer exist. Well clearly something had to be done about that. Something stupid. Ignoring the obvious uses of a time machine to… you know, learn all of the secrets of the universe, the Blights decide to swipe some plutonium from an Eastern European country and sell it to the highest bidder… in the past. Where they meet Hitler.
Oh sure, they never actually identify him by name… he is just your standard WWII military leader of Germany with distinctive facial hair who answers to the name Fuhrer. And just to awkwardly manhandle our roofied up minds some more, the end of the episode features the present Blight leaving her manual for enriching plutonium in the past which gets picked up by an American soldier.
So you see, it was Dr Blight who was responsible for the Hiroshima-Nagasaki bombings. Sleep well America, your conscience is clear. Captain Planet has absolved you.
Season 2, Episode 4 – “Send in the Clones”
All is not well on the island of Mogahl, and not just because it’s a clumsily disguised metaphor for all of Africa. A simple peasant family living on the island has apparently been cursed by the Gods themselves because almost all of their children have been born female. Setting up to fix this unnatural mistake, the couple have been working furiously on a solution (more information in link) but alas, only one of their kids so far, Vico, turned out normal (that is, with a penis). But just then, technology steps in to save the day. Who needs the joy of sex when you can simply clone yourself more sons through a clone-ray gun?
It turns out that while looking for cheap labor for his flamethrower factory, the villain Looten Plunder used the aforementioned clone ray to clone Vico, presumably hoping to later make him his black slave. However, in a shocking twist it is revealed that whenever a cloned person eats something, he starts multiplying again and again, and soon the boy (and a locus swarm accidentally cloned with him) poses a threat to the island’s food supply. So you see children, that is why we must all do our part to stop illegal human cloning in Mogahl. And remember – all technology is inherently evil.
So what other things can we learn from this episode? “Using cheap 3rd world labor is bad” perhaps? But I can’t stop myself from thinking “We should stop feeding 3rd world children before they multiply like hell and take over the world.” Also, I found out that humanitarian efforts against child labor are the only thing standing between me and my very own affordable flamethrower. Well thanks a lot Plane-twat-eers (see what I did there?).
Season 3, Episode 11 – “A Formula for Hate”
There are a few things in life that we can all agree on. Don’t jam a fork into a plugged toaster. Never, under any circumstances, even hint at the possibility that your gf/wife has put on some weight. And finally: Do not let Captain Planet teach your elementary school kids about AIDS, unprotected sex and needle drugs. Now go on, guess what this episode of Captain Planet is about… That’s right – toaster safety… as long as I cover my ears and yell “LALALALALALA, I can’t hear you”. But in the few short moments when I need to rest and gasp for air, this episode is actually about AIDS.
Where do I begin… It seems that there is this kid who looks like a dopier version of Tobey Maguire and he gets infected with the HIV virus. It‘s implied that he got it from a blood transfusion but the doc does not fail to mention other fun ways of contracting the virus are bareback sex and sharing needle drugs. Keeping with the high level of class “Captain Planet” has always been known for, when word spreads out that Tobey is HIV-positive, he actually gets chased by an angry mob and decides to live in a cabin in the swamps…
But as always, in the end the day is saved by Captain Planet offering his inspirational speech of tolerance to the angry crowd who learn to accept Tobey with all of his deadly diseases. And they all lived happily ever after. Except Tobey who died in his 30s later on.
Season 4, Episode 21 – “Teers in the hood”
Captain Planet was created for one thing only: to change the world with his message of environmental responsibility. Unfortunately, his audience was compromised mainly of children and in the grand scheme of things children fall somewhere between old grass trimmings and ornament stones in terms of importance. Therefore, one day Turner decided that he needed to connect with a slightly older crowd, but how would he get them in front of the TV for a Saturday morning cartoon? Why, by making an entire episode about inner city gang violence, guns and civil rights movements of course, with the obligatory misspelling in the title (’cause illiteracy is the str8 edge dope, dawg).
So… yeah, this is just as bad as you think. The Asian chick’s old teacher gets caught up in a gang war and almost dies, so the Planeteers have to infiltrate an inner city school with grace and in-depth understanding of youth culture not seen since the Fruity Pebbles MC Hammer commercial.
The entire episode is more or less a giant cringe fest of lines which only clueless middle class white people could have came up with:
• Don’t sweat it dawg, I ain’t gonna smoke Ronnie [...] This is our turf!
• We ‘es happening ‘ere now!
• Don’t you be dissin’ me!
• Step up man, I ain’t playing with ya!
^ Now imagine them in a Captain Planet episode
Oh, and did I mention that one of the gangs in this episode is called The Evil Educators? You are free to take that anyway you want, but might I suggest abandoning all hope for humankind?
Season 6, Episode 7 – “Twelve Angry Animals”
During a journey to the top of Mount Everest… *sigh*… the Planeteers are trapped in a terrible snow storm when a leopard guides them to safety… *sigh*… in a cave where they believe they will be safe. But the cave turns out to be a courtroom! (*sigh*…) A courtroom set by a bunch of talking animals not even remotely found in the top regions of Everest… and a talking Yeti… What? Oh right – *SIGH*… So the Planeteers find themselves and the entire humanity on trial for endangering and wiping out so many of the Earth’s species. Tony Jay voices the Yeti.
I am fairly certain this episode was written by a random word generator. First pick: Everest. Second pick: Yeti. Third pick: Courtroom. Forth pick: Tony Jay = Tony Jay voices a talking Yeti who puts the Planeteers on trial atop Mt Everest. Genius. So, how did this “trial” actually went down? Well, the first witness was a wooly mammoth who transported the black kid into the past where he saw humans mercilessly hunting down these extinct creatures. After that the hot Soviet chick rides a butterfly through a cloud of pesticide (why are you looking at me like that?). Then, more stupid stuff happens. Long story short, in the end the Yeti sentences the Planeteers to… living! Living with the knowledge they have gathered there. Thank God, I would not want these fuckers to sentence the entire human race to death. There’s nothing we could have done then…