Let’s be honest, as a species we humans kinda suck. We oppress, kill and downright exterminate entire families of animals, often without even confirming if they would taste good on a bun with a dash of mayo and maybe a piece of lettuce. So it stands to reason that some people would rise up and take the animals’ side, which is precisely why PETA was born. And never in the history of stuff has there been a better example of good intentions went retardedly wrong than People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Just check out some of their worst (best?) bafflingly bizarre campaigns like:
5. “Your Mommy Kills Animals”
OK, so kids are the future, right? Not a particularly bright one but a future nonetheless. So when campaigning in the name of whatever it is you believe in—be it animal liberation or your right to fondle 12 year olds—you should always target the younger generation. Take the time to slowly ease them up into your point of view, present balanced arguments on why YOUR stance on humanity’s dietary habits is the right one and hope kids naturally come to the same conclusion that you did. That or you can just publish a faux comic book, featuring a demented lady slaughtering a live rabbit.
Inside this few-paged leaflet masquerading as a comic and opposing the fur industry, PETA has shown tremendous care for the fragile minds of children by depicting their mothers as murderous knife wielding lunatics. Putting aside the fact that PETA was most likely going for a two-for-one deal with this future Eisner nominee by also keeping kids off of meat forever, I am pretty sure they are responsible for, what, 25% of cases of runaway children in whatever year this thing was created. Think about it, if your mother goes to such dramatic lengths to get a fur coat or to prepare your dinner what is stopping her from going after your hamster? Or your dog?! Or… YOU?
4. “Lobster Empathy Center”
What would you do with an old prison building which you’ve just bought for $200,000? Theme hotel? Greatest bachelor pad in history? Anything that makes at least a little bit of sense? See, this is why you are not working for PETA (though an IQ not equal to your shoe size might also be a factor) because when THEY bought the old Somerset County Jail in Maine, their first idea was to turn it into a Lobster Empathy Center.
PETA’s plan was to make Maine (with its thriving lobster industry) the first state to house an interactive family oriented center where customers of all ages will learn that boiling animals alive is wrong. In most cases, this wouldn’t be such a retarded idea, but because it’s PETA, well, they managed to make it look idiotic, because really… lobsters? In a country struggling with such a massive homeless problem like the US do you really think a large empty building would be best utilized to teach folks about the boring lives of water spider-bugs?
Besides, has PETA even had lobster? Bastards are so good that even if we had to cook them on the electric chair it would still not bother most people much.
3. “Sea Kittens”
Michel Foucault wrote a fascinating treaty on the nature of sexual consciousness in the 19th century. The core of his idea was that variable social and political changes which met at the exactly same time all those years ago (expressed in various writings by medical examiners, priests and politicians of their days) have in fact created the modern idea of sex. But by defining the act they have also locked it in such a narrow definition that in the end it helped to create the consciousness of homosexuality and its subsequent persecution. So, what we actually learned from this is that the names/words we use often dictate reality and our perception of it. It’s a fascinating topic which naturally brings me the point of my argument: Fish. We can all agree that there is nothing spectacular about fish.
Really, the only thing those little buggers are good for are fish sticks and, OK, the occasional human saving those lovable dolphins are known for. What? Those are mammals?! F*CK YOU, FISH! Useless scaly scum. But this is not what PETA saw when they decided to focus their attention on fish. Where we see utter pointlessness of existence, PETA saw a simple PR problem. So most likely NOT taking a lesson from Foucault, they decided to change the public’s consciousness and get everyone to call fish… “sea kittens”.
Now, I wanted to be fair to PETA, so I went out and did my own research by throwing a couple of cats into the nearest stream and concluded that they have absolutely nothing in common with fish. There, glad we put that one to rest and no one of any importance had to die.
Warning: Author’s personal anecdotes are a work of fiction and cheap alcohol.
2. “Rescue Shelter Boys”
So… PETA has asked the famous pop group Pet Shop Boys to change their name to Rescue Shelter Boys because that will help the animals. Somehow. You see, after establishing vegetarianism as the leading dietary life style of people everywhere AND destroying the fur industry once and for all, PETA could finally focus on the real evils of the world: Pet shops. Right now as we speak all across this country pure bred animals are kept in cages and sold for money like… well like animals. But dammit, animals are people too! You know, animal-people…
PETA said the change of the group’s name would encourage people to adopt unwanted cats and dogs from shelters rather than buying them from pet shops (more like evil-et shops, amirite?). And they would be encouraged to do so by… magic… I guess. Oh of course it was just another of their silly tactics which were MEANT to be rejected and get a lot of free publicity but come on. This is exactly what is wrong with PETA. Whoever there is responsible for their “Any publicity is good publicity” mentality should be locked in a pet shop, have his name changed to Burger McSteak and witness his mom getting plowed every which way in a comic book published by Marvel.
1. “George Clooney’s Sweat-flavored Tofu”
Here is a tip: When a supporter of your cause sends you a sweaty gym towel of a famous actor, like Clooney for example, you might consider, I don’t know, selling it off to some huge Clooney fetishist who will extract the man’s sweat-essence from it and bathe in the f*cker for weeks to come? What you don’t do is be the fetishist yourself. And you certainly do not produce Clooney Sweat Tofu, or CloFu, or “PETA has gone off the deep end” Tofu.
About a year ago PETA, apparently possessing the futuristic technology needed to extract the Essence of Clooney from his moldy towel, actually planned to spice up their brand of tofu with the man’s perspiration. Now, as far as insane publicity campaigns go, this one takes the sweat-flavored cake. Not only did PETA out themselves as insanely creepy perverts, but they also attached a pretty sick image to the very food I imagine they would want to support. From here on now I will never be able to look at tofu without thinking of Clooney’s armpits, effectively eliminating it from my, and my future children’s, diet for as long as I live. And even then I might leave a clause in my will forbidding my descendants from ever eating Tofu, under penalty of genital mutilation.