In online games, players trade narrative depth for the company of other human beings, brought to them by the scratchy magic of teamspeak. In many cases this is a good trade-off, and players get good company while going on their psychotic murder-sprees. There are, however, a certain subset of online gamers who leave them longing for single player and a way of bludgeoning people to death through the internet. The worst of these unfortunate individuals are listed below, for your convenience.
1. The Incoherent Bigot
The last two centuries have shown major strides towards equality for all. African Americans and women have the vote, and many of the old prejudices are dying out in the general population. Even today, the gay rights movement is gaining momentum, with a few notable setbacks. In ten years, the robot rights movement will take the world by storm, a few minutes before the actual robots do.
In spite of all this progress, a small fraction of the population seems to be living in a peculiar state of bigotry, which has previously existed only in backwater Louisiana around 1852, after everyone had had a little too much to drink. This population produces a certain kind of man. A certain kind of man who uses Xbox Live. He is… the Incoherent Bigot.
The IB is in many ways a kind of egalitarian: he hates everyone, regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation. In the same sentence, he will offend black people, Asian people, white people, gay people, the French, and two species of African tree frog. If you have ever been called a fart f—–g, cheese eating, a—————————c n—-r f—-t, you’ve met the IB.
2. The DJ
The DJ likes music. No, that’s not quite true, the DJ loves music. The DJ has a knack for loving the exact kind of music that makes you want to go back in time and murder the first organism to evolve ears. The DJ likes Miley Cyrus. The DJ likes Soulja boy. The DJ, god help him, likes the Jonas brothers.
Now, all of this is merely unfortunate. What brings it into the realm of the criminal is that the DJ is absolutely convinced that you’ll like them too, if he only plays them loudly enough, over, and over, and over.
The DJ disdains elitist ‘sound quality’ and ‘fidelity.’ The DJ lives at the bottom of a well. The DJ uses the cheapest microphone known to modern science, and plays the songs on a broken cellphone at maximum volume. Suddenly, your formerly idyllic gaming experience is interrupted by the sound of blaring music, drowning out any commentary or screams of horror. People returning from near-death-experiences have reported that this is, in fact, what Hell is: “Party in the USA,” on a minimum-Fi loop, forever.
3. The Ventrillo Fetus
Somehow, this tiny, innocent child has found its way to an unattended gaming console. Somehow, it immediately proceeds to get into a game and charge into battle headfirst, squeaking high-pitched insults at the top of its underdeveloped little lungs.
There is some overlap here with the IB, since sweet little kids seem to instantly pick up a number of ugly racial slurs. The distinction has to do with whether the voice on the end of the line can be imagined using training wheels.
4. The Armchair Tactician
The AT is a genius. At least, he thinks he is. He’s played strategy games so obsessively that the Koreans are scared of him. If he had been in charge of Vietnam, we’d have fifty one states.
So, he ventures boldly into multiplayer gaming on the assumption that all other players will bow to his awe-inspiring genius, and he will lead to the team to glorious victory.
He jumps around excitedly in game, barking orders at the rest of the team. He seems to be of the mistaken belief that repeating these orders over and over and over in a petulant voice will help them sink in. This has about the effect you’d expect.
While his strategies do occasionally flirt with adequacy, his arrogant, obsessive nature will rapidly alienate everyone on the server.
5. The Boy Who Cried Hax
Hacking is a serious problem in online games. Wall-hacks or aimbots can give an unfair advantage to one side, and cheapen the overall experience. The thing about actual hacks, though, is that they have limited utility, and are very hard to prove.
Of course, none of this matters to the BWCH. The BWCH sees hacking as a magical, incomprehensible force used by everyone except for him. To the BWCH, hacking is indistinguishable from even a modest degree of skill. Any victory, however slight, will lead to loud, repeated accusations.
6. The AFK
The AFK possesses supernaturally poor planning skills. He’ll join a busy server thirty seconds before his microwave burrito will be done heating up. Then he’ll remember that he has to call his mother for mother’s day, and put out the fire in his garage, and attend his uncle’s funeral, and end malaria in Africa.
In the mean time, his character stands drooling at the spawn point, staring blankly at a wall. By the time he gets back, his team is getting trounced. Then, he’ll complain that they left him behind.
Though deeply annoying, possibly mentally ill, and impossible to reason with, there is one foolproof method for dealing with such people. However satisfying it might be to track them down to their homes and strangle them with your microphone cord in the middle of the night, it’s definitely not taking the high road – so, remember, when in doubt: mute them.