With these simple steps, you too can appear a pillar of corporate professionalism.
Last night. It started out innocently enough, I mean, you got off work, ya’ scratched your genitals,
you sniffed your hand and then you grabbed some food; it was supposed to be just like any other regular weeknight. However, despite your initial intent to stay in, the next thing you know you’re the guest of honor at an all night binger. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but now your alarm clock is blaring and you’re having Civil War flashbacks while looking for your socks; you’re so hungover and pathetic that you actually cry you feel so sorry for yourself. Suddenly, life is a whirlwind of cognitive moments and through the immortal words of David After Dentist you find yourself screaming aloud, “IS THIS REAL LIFE?!”
But it’s too late to figure out a logical game plan. Your brains are too cloudy, your clothes are a mess and the word ‘penis’ is still written across your forehead in permanent marker. If there’s any hope of making it to work on time, you’ll have to pull your sh*t together and clean your act up once you arrive at your desk. Fear not, young Padawan, by the skin of your teeth and the grace of God, we’re going to make it through this day at the office. Now stick your head between your legs and take a couple of deep breathes, because here we go…
Ariel’s Fork Comb
For most of your life you’ve probably been using a fork as an instrument to shovel artery-clogging slop down your neck, but today is all about trailblazing so forget anything that you thought you knew about utensils. The game has changed. Amidst your drunken stupor, head on down to the office kitchen and snag yourself a fork -no doubt your head is going to look like a f**king tarantula den after all of last night’s shenanigans. Find some water and lightly wet your head, then rake that mother for all that it’s worth. Bear the pain long enough and you may just knock enough loose change out of your mop to afford some Subway for lunch, eat fresh. *wink*
The Poor, Poor Man’s Shoeshine
Though you don’t remember, according to the scuff marks on your shoes, last night you were apparently trudging through graveyards. No doubt your shoes are marked up worse than Amy Winehouse’s forearms and we need to find a way to clean them sh*t-kickers ASAP. The best tool in your arsenal at this point is a permanent marker. Black, gray, brown, passion fruit -pick accordingly and wax on, wax off. After a 3 minute session your shoes will look great and, with enough inhaling, might even get you high too.
The Double Stick Collar
If you were unfortunate enough to pass out with your work attire on, inevitably your shirt collar probably looks like a flared 70’s Dirk Diggler flange. Get your a** some double-sided sticky tape and fix your bad self. One application should set you for at least an hour or two. Reapply as necessary. Be sure to smooth out the creases the best you can, of course it ain’t gonna’ look perfect or even remotely acceptable, but it will at least look a little better than what the hell you did have going on.
Duster Cleaning Can Refreshment Spritz
Let’s be honest, you smell like sh*t at this point. Maybe you stink of strip club, possibly with a hint of greasy spoon restaurant in the mix. Go directly to the storage cupboard where your work keeps the CO2 duster cleaner and keep that hand grenade on standby. Your skin will be secreting everything you ate, drank, snorted or swallowed from the previous night. Folks are going to be passing you by and wondering where the nearby cadaver is hidden at. Spray your clothing in short burst every five-ten minutes. If you fart, aim the can towards the office down the hall and squeeze that CO2 trigger even harder. Oh don’t worry, karma isn’t a real thing anyway.
Armpit Shampooing Sink Session
Not having showered anytime recent, it’s been at least 12-hours or so since water touched your skin, just enough time to go from smelling like a respectable member of society to stinking like Sasquatch’s porno set fluffer. Find a bathroom with a locking door and take that top off. Use the hand soap/lotion to gently massage those yellow armpits you’re sporting. You’ll feel refreshed after peeling off that top layer of skin, not to mention it will prevent any further slimy armpit syndrome, at least for another couple of hours.
It’s like my old man tells me, “Work hard, play harder”. Even though the repercussions may leave you feeling like hell ran over, life is short and you should be proud that you embraced an otherwise boring night spent mis-TiVo-ing programs. While some may scoff at your careless appearance, you’ll just smile as you strut by knowing that it takes larger cojones than any to pull off an all nighter and still make it to your employer on time. So here’s to you, all you brave corporate warriors -and to all the nights that will follow, and the nights after, and the night after, and the night after that too.