I have some bad news for you. Studies show that over 34% of Americans believe in UFOs. You know what that means, right? It means aliens might be real. More than 100 million people simply cannot be wrong because, well… then the world would stop making sense if you consider that these nutjobs have the same voting privileges as you do. Yeah, for the sake of our sanities let’s assume that there is something to this whole UFO business, and subsequently Alien Abductions. Oh, it’s easy to laugh at the idea (like… so, so, sooo easy) but I bet that somewhere on your hard-drives most of you have a zombie apocalypse survival plan, so why not an alien abduction one? That’s what I thought. So, if you ever get beamed up into an alien ship and hope to make it back alive without being probed, here’s what you gotta do:
1. Make Sure What Kind of Aliens Are These
If your abductors are roughly 7 feet tall and drool at every one of their 20 mouths filled with razor sharp teeth then you’re in luck, believe it or not. There is no question that these things are evil and want to f*** you up because evolution does not equip organisms with flesh-shredding claws and teeth to make it easier for them to harvest wheat. With these types, you know where you’re standing. But life isn’t all sunshine and unicorn blowjobs, so let’s assume you are captured by the standard little gray men with giant heads who, just like your cheating girlfriend from college, can swing both ways.
How can you make sure what brand of ET you’re dealing with, you ask? First, look around you. Are you located in a comfy chair, on an operating table, or atop an alien but still quite obvious frying pan? If it’s the pan, that’s a bad sign right there. Next, inspect your body. Are you naked? And if yes, then are you covered in a thick liquid with a smokey-sweet smell to it, resembling very much fine barbeque dressing? Well, that still can mean anything. For example, the aliens might just be trying to rape you and this is just part of their fetish. But even then, there are no guarantees what gender these aliens are, so assume they are all part of the team you don’t swing for, thus making them evil. And when all else fails, try mumbling “An evil alien says ‘what’?” and act accordingly.