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Celebrities Vs. The Internet: Five Rounds

By 12.15.10

Really, the winner is us.


Ahhh, the Internet.  We love the Internet, and not just because it provides us with beer money, free pornography, and ample opportunities to discuss politics in polite and mature terms such as “turd-eating douchetarded sewage-nozzle” in all caps.  No, we love the Internet because it’s where celebrities get in fights with everybody from 4Chan to their fans to absolutely everybody else.

Join us as we review the five greatest moments when celebrities learn just what fame buys you against anonymity.

Gene Simmons

He's no Caruso. In either sense.


Gene Simmons is, of course, the lead singer and bassist of some band whose music defined…defined…well, it must have defined something.  They were in a skateboarding video game.  We think.

Anyway, Simmons, being a savvy businessman first, actually went out in public and said things along the lines of “Defend your brand”, and threw his support behind efforts to get people who downloaded about $20 worth of music buried under $100,000 worth of fees, because that’s justice to a man worth millions who might lose a piddling amount of revenue.

Needless to say, this inspired the wrath of 4Chan, which meant a bunch of fifteen year olds fiddled with his site and giggled.  So Simmons posted this:

Some of you may have heard a few popcorn farts re: our sites being threatened by hackers.

Our legal team and the FBI have been on the case and we have found a few, shall we say “adventurous” young people, who feel they are above the law.

And, as stated in my MIPCOM speech, we will sue their pants off.

First, they will be punished.

Second, they might find their little butts in jail, right next to someone who’s been there for years and is looking for a new girl friend.

We will soon be printing their names and pictures.

We will find you.

You cannot hide.

Stay tuned

How It Ended:

First of all, we feel the need to point out that most of what Simmons claimed is BS, including the FBI caring at all about DDoS attacks on the website of a has-been with a bloated ego.  And 4Chan knew this, which is why GeneSimmons.com essentially ceased to exist until the 4channers got bored and decided to go DDoS somebody else.   Simmons, meanwhile, is no doubt declaring victory because clearly they were scared of the might of Gene Simmons, bassist for…um…Asia?  And those damn Internet kids had gotten off his Internet lawn!  So victory!  Kind of!

The Winner:

The Internet.  Gene Simmons looks like an even bigger blowhard than usual, and his empty threats just rained down more punishment.  On the bright side, he still probably gets laid more than the people who shut his site down.  On the down side, that’s because he’s really rich.  And he’s still in a reality show, so we’re guessing more punishment shall be visited upon him.


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