Being America’s most eligible bachelor means that I’ve long been an expert of maintaining a sophisticated and stylish home that is indicative of a classy love stallion. I own one of the most vast and celebrated collections of erotic art in the entire state of Florida, and some critics even say the entire Bible Belt. Perhaps the piece of art that I’m most proud of is my scratch n’ sniff portrait of Lindsay Lohan. Fun fact: it smells like Newports and KY. But when it comes down to it, only the classics really ever impress the classy broads.
As a child I often exhibited a great love for creating art, making my own masterpieces like “Poops on Publix Floor” and “Boogers Under the Dining Room Table.” It’s only natural that I would grow up to not only adore classic art, but also maintain a vision of updating some of the classics. Now I would never go to a museum, break in after hours and vandalize precious paintings and sculptures in order to impress Blake Lively, so the FBI can leave me alone about that. But the idea here is for us to scratch our soul patches together and collectively wonder, “What if these classic art masterpieces were updated for this modern world…”
Based, obviously, on the most famous portrait in history, Leonardo Da Vinci’s “The Mona Lisa”. The second most famous? My nude fingerpainting self-portrait, “A Gentleman’s Tripod”.
A tribute to the timeless work on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, as well as Funbag’s Exotic Cabaret in Sarasota, Florida.
This work is based on the Andy Warhol painting, “Four Dollar Signs.” Unfortunately, the price has yet to be updated to reflect the economy.
Based on MC Escher’s “Relativity”, Gif via Elvis Weathercock at B3ta.com. I wanted to make these all Burnsy originals but this was too awesome and relevant not to share.
Based on Michaelangelo’s “David”, this updated subject is most often seen not working, outside of a closed vinyl record store, and talking about his Tumblr page.
Based on Georgia O’Keefe’s “Red Canna”, it can also viewed at the Paris Hilton and Tara Reid Galleries, no appointment necessary.
Based on “Whistler’s Mother” by James McNeil Whistler, this work is presently touring with an 18-year old babysitter and Christian Audigier.
Based on “Campbell’s Soup Cans” by Andy Warhol, and available on Craigslist for $30 per print. Beware of undercover cops selling black market cans. I mean, prints.
Based on “Persistence of Memory” by Salvador Dali, and it is often displayed by rappers, NBA superstars and the children of their lawyers and accountants.
Based on “The Night Watch” by Rembrandt van Rijn, and you’ll be really excited to view it, but probably let down by how boring it is.
Based on Grant Wood’s “American Gothic”, I didn’t feel the need to change the name because this updated version still represents the heart of America. The cold, dark heart of America.
Based on Normal Rockwell’s “School Fight”, this newer version shows us what happens when you try to steal Sad Keanu’s sandwich. Silly girl.
Based on Leonardo DaVinci’s “The Last Supper”, this newer version will bang your younger sister and not tell you until your graduation party four years later.
Based on Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”, this version features some more famous screams over the past few decades. Not included: Charlie Sheen screaming for more coke and hookers.
Based on Dieric Bouts’ “The Fall of the Damned”, and not to be confused with Peter Paul Reubens’ work of the same name that was much too intricate to play with in Photoshop. This modern version, I like to think, is the most realistic that I’ve offered thus far.
Based on Botticelli’s “Nascita di Vinere”, with the star tattoos donated by Barbed Wire Bitches of Marlboro, New Jersey.
Based on Pablo Picasso’s “Guernica”, which was a haunting reminder of the bombing of the titular city and the many casualties incurred by war. In this new version, our hero Lobster Dog shows up to heal the pain.
Based on Vincent Van Gogh’s “15 Sunflowers With A Vase”, this modern version finally adds some life with the inclusion of Nicolas Cage’s brilliant, Oscar-worthy performance from Wicker Man.
Based on Rene Magritte’s “The Son of Man”, this retelling bows down to our Apple overlords, should they wish to send me an iPad for this tribute.
While nowhere near as famous or classical as the previous works of art, “The Kramer” is indeed a popular modern piece worthy of its own update as well. The original version comes with a very half-hearted apology from the artist himself.
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