On this glorious day we kick off our monthly roundups of Facebook failure. We, the generous people of Uproxx, have probed all the best Facebook fail sites and bring to you the ten best we find (not including the above image which is too awful to even snark). Aaaaaand they are...
With all that's going on in the Middle East, and the severe gravity of the goings-on, what with despots being overthrown left and right, you'd think that some people would treat it with the respect and dignity it deserves. You'd be wrong, it'll be treated with the respect and dignity Americans think it deserves.
What? It's an honor to be into something before it was cool!
Looking at the dates of these entries, we think it's fairly safe to say that James has passed his drug test and is no doubt enjoying his job because dude-brah is high as a kite.
Also, we're pretty sure "F**k Soup" was a porn parody of the Marx Brothers classic "Duck Soup", complete with the Gilbert and Sullivan-esque musical numbers and Bree Olson as Margaret Dumont. "You think this vagina looks wrecked now, just wait 'til I get through with it!"
Come to think of it, we're pretty sure people would actually pay to see that. It'd actually be kind of awesome.
Hey, remember all those times when you'd be with a girl and then have to take her to the hospital because you accidentally got your baby batter in her eyes, and then posted a Facebook update about, and then another girl you sprayed your Ivory lotion on commented, and then your girlfriend found out you'd been cheating on her with at least two separate women?
No? Congratulations! You're not mind-blowingly stupid, like this guy! Sadly, facebookingfail has no followup whatsoever on whether or not this guy was forced to update his status to single, but our gut instinct is that it happened. We wonder if he'll miss her.
No, we meant emotionally.
You try and you try and you try, and some people just do not pay attention. Remember when spammers took the time to add a personal touch? Now it's all "let's fling this onto any status". People cared, back in the good old days of 2003.
There is a firm belief that nobody over the age of, say, forty should be allowed on Facebook without passing some kind of Internet test, like asking what a Rickroll is, or submitting your phone to scan for certain "red flag" phrases like "curfew". Partially this is because parents are inevitably a drag when you're on the Internet, and partially it's because they pull stunts like this.
I mean, we get it, your parents have been taking care of you since you were taking toxic dumps in sheets of padded plastic, but you can't help but feel bad for poor Jessica, since her mom managed to simultaneously embarrass her and violate the first law of Facebook; never post a comment on a status that's really a blog post.
We almost feel bad mocking this one, as Mark "My Users Are Dumbf**ks" Zuckerberg is perfectly happy to do anything for money. We're pretty sure that if configuring Facebook to dump puppies into an industrial shredder every time somebody posted a status update was profitable, Zucks would do it. It's like the frog and the scorpion: he can't help it, it's in his nature to be a greedy sociopath.
That said, we're still wondering why anybody would think he'd throw the Earth into the Sun. Unless he's moved to Mars with Richard Branson and a bunch of bikini models, and is planning to repopulate the human race with Facebook pages assigned at birth.
Come to think of it, has anybody seen Branson lately? No?
There are many reasons not to talk about your penis on the Internet: nobody wants to hear about it, it can create some awkward moments when your parents inevitably stumble across the status, and it generally makes you look like a huge jackass ripe for cutting down to size.
Also, we wonder why he chose a semi-automatic, which has to have its trigger squeezed and can only fire in short bursts. Wouldn't a pump-action shotgun, which has hands constantly moving up and down the barrel and fires one huge burst, be a better analogy?
We're torn. On the one hand, this kid is obviously intelligent and working really hard to get some game, any game, for his 360 that doesn't wildly suck.
On the other hand, he's also a nascent munchkin, and we have enough of those annoying little bastards on Live already. We bet this kid is a trash-talker. He just sounds like one.
So compromise and get him a shooter that's annoying already. "Doom 3" should do nicely.
What's sad is that despite this status being an obvious joke, we're fairly sure at least one participant in the conversation is actually being sincere.
Oh, wait, no, that's not sad. That's hilarious. Maybe instead of an age test, Facebook should assign an IQ test.
Andres, we've sent a stuttering messenger to explain what a continuing source of inspiration you are to us.
After all, mocking disabilities on your Facebook is absolutely awesome and not dickish in any way, shape, or form. In conclusion, see you next Tuesday.
There they are, the ten most hilarious people you're glad aren't you. If you liked these, do Lamebook, the source of several, a big favor and kick a few bucks into their legal fund. Facebook is trying to shut Lamebook down using a copyright-infringement suit, even though the law is extremely clear that parody is protected under the First Amendment. Of course, they're just upset that Lamebook is collecting evidence that Facebook is a deep source of failure and stupidity.
We'll be back in April with more, and until then, keep a sense of humor, don't Facebook drunk, and don't cheat on your significant other and update your status on it, or you might see yourself here.
OK, so it'll be censored. But still.