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5.11 The Cooler

11 Diabolical Plans Discovered On Osama Bin Laden’s Hard Drives

By 05.11.11

It’s hard to believe that it has been almost two weeks since Duane “The Rock” Johnson President Barack Obama declared to the world that American soldiers shot and killed Osama Bin Laden. I mean, that’s like a decade in cable news network years. But this is such a magnanimous event in that it will continue to provide more details and additional information with each day that passes, especially considering the computers and hard drives that were seized from Bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan.
The U.S. government has referred to Bin Laden’s computers as a mother lode of information that has been compared to the libraries of small colleges. What exactly is on those hard drives, though, remains a mystery to the general public. Fortunately for you, I happen to be a member of Seal Team 6, which is not affiliated with the U.S. Navy, but is just a coincidental naming advantage to my Seal fan club. Regardless, I was able to gain access to some of the files on the hard drives and they are both revealing and shocking. You could even say they’re shockealing. This insight that you are about to receive unveils past and current Al Qaeda missions that may rock you to the core. Read on with caution.

(Special thanks to my Middle East translators, Vince Mancini, Danger Guerrero and Pauly Dangerously for helping me decode and understand these documents.)
This file exposes a mission that helped bring down the one-time social networking giant MySpace. It appears that it worked, as Al Qaeda agents created spamming accounts under the guise of attractive American females looking for online relationships with lonely American men. Having once been in a relationship with a girl I met on MySpace, I can say with confidence that this is disheartening due to the prominence of online dating over the past decade. Thankfully, xxxMi$$tressss~pA1Nxxx and I are still friends til this day.
This file reveals an Al Qaeda mission that has taken place over the past two years. The terrorist organization proudly claims responsibility for convincing pop singer Ke$ha to include the dollar sign in her name, knowing full well that the shameful association would lead to the demise of the American economy. However, as they have noted, this mission carries the burden of unleashing Ke$ha on the entire world. A plague on both houses, indeed.
I found this file to be revealing, both in actual information and clarification. For years, many of us have wondered who actually pays to see Tyler Perry films, and especially the so-called spoof and parody films helmed by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. Now we know that it was Al Qaeda. According to this file, Al Qaeda’s members were fervent investors in these films, knowing full well that they were inexplicable cash cows. Bin Laden even listed his autographed copies of Madea Goes to Jail and Epic Movie as his prized possessions on an IMDB forum under the name “SeltzbergRulz69LOL”.
Perhaps the most shocking revelation of all, it turns out that the popular iPhone game Angry Birds was originally intended to be a weapon that would send radio waves into the air and turn actual birds into mindless killing machines. Instead, the software that would urge our feathered friends to kill became a fun video game for children of all ages. But now I’m left to wonder if there’s a terrorist plot behind all the poop on my car’s hood. Mainly because it’s human.
File this one under “So Obvious” – It was almost plain as day that someone was up to no good when initial ratings came in for the reality series Mob Wives, which should actually be called Wives of Morons or Daughters of Mob Guys, because none of the women are actually mob wives. In fact, 2.2 million viewers watched the daughters of former mafia guys scream profanities and shout things while waving their hands around. Only the most nefarious organization on the planet could have pulled off something so diabolical. Damn you, VH1. I mean, Al Qaeda.
Many Americans are flashy and boastful, willing to say to the world, “I make decent money and prefer to spend it on overpriced shiny t-shirts.” Well, Al Qaeda heard this message loud and clear, poisoning the materials used in manufacturing Ed Hardy t-shirts with the attention of attacking us through our vanity. What they didn’t consider, though, is that they were doing many of us a favor.
Sensing a desire to not only infiltrate America, but influence its youth with its treacherous ways, Al Qaeda was determined to charm women into relationships and impregnate them. From there, members would use Far East mysticism to communicate anti-American propaganda to the unborn child. Fortunately, living in caves – or, you know, upscale compounds – has left the terrorist organization a few years behind in trends and the basics of what attracts Western women. For instance, they also planned a backup scheme to win girls over with Drakkar Noir and acid-washed Jordache jean jackets.
Few things strike at the heart of working class America more than messing with a man’s pickup truck. Al Qaeda planned to do just that by manufacturing and selling the popular Southern truck accessory Truck Nutz, but with plastic explosives built in. Moreover, the bombs would detonate any time a Toby Keith song was played within 100 feet of them, but the plan was foiled when Food Network host and Truck Nutz aficionado Guy Fieri purchased every last pair. If only Al Qaeda had set the detonation to Nickelback songs.
Taking a page from the 2006 film of the same name, Al Qaeda sought the destruction of the thing that American youth love the most – dancing to express emotion. Knowing that American children only learn to express their talents in the inner city, Al Qaeda plotted to destroy all lower class schools, parks, and rec centers. Fortunately, Step Up star Channing Tatum, or C-Tates as he prefers I call him, channeled his G.I. Joe experience and combined that with his All-American flavor as a pop and lock expert to foil the dastardly plan. In the process, he also saved 600 rec centers by convincing rich, old white men to contribute funding while winning the love of their daughters.
Once again acting on America’s love for popular culture, Al Qaeda operatives aimed their sights on the cast of the MTV hit Jersey Shore. The organization successfully captured and detained the show’s lesser stars – Ronnie, Angelina and Sammi Sweetheart – and demanded a ransom of $1 billion for their release. Imagine Bin Laden’s surprise when America countered with $2 billion for Al Qaeda to keep them. Also, imagine his surprise when a Navy SEAL shot him in the face.
This wasn’t so much a mission as it was a traditional day of fun for the members of Al Qaeda and their families. Oh boy, did they look forward to Osama’s famous virgin daiquiris! Unfortunately, only Osama had the recipe and it was lost as soon as a bullet blasted through his eyeball. Oh well, maybe they can try Manaf Abd al-Rahim al-Rawi’s Mai Tais instead.


TAGSAARON SELTZERal qaedaANGRY BIRDSCHANNING TATUMJASON FRIEDBERGKE$HAMOB WIVESMYSPACEosama bin ladenSEAL TEAM 6TRUCK NUTSTYLER PERRY

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