On August 3, 2010, an announcement was made that rocked the very foundation of life as we know it. Trusted sports news sources such as ESPN, Fox and CBS – all of which go to great lengths to employ only the finest, qualified experts and analysts – reported that the greatest quarterback in the history of any professional football league, Brett Lorenzo Favre, had unofficially officially retired from the NFL, according to multiple anonymous tipsters. Those sources, of course, included family members, friends, text messages, Tweets, Morse code, sign language, crop circles, whale sounds, and messenger pigeons.
Since this ridiculous announcement, there had been weak murmurs from within the sports media that maybe Favre’s retirement was a fluke, as these renegade naysayers cited such inane ideas like, “He’s done this the past three years” or “He just doesn’t want to show up for conditioning” or “He’s an a-hole media hog drama queen that has been vastly overrated for years and if you need evidence look at his interception record.” Look, you can bring up such ridiculously argumentative points all day, and we can continue to reference Internet bias and outright jealousy as the reason these arguments are introduced. The fact remains that Brett Favre was never going to retire.
Brett Favre will never retire, as evidenced by his confirmation to his Minnesota Vikings teammates this week that he will return. Essentially, there is no possible way that the NFL’s Iron Man will ever leave the sport that he has dominated like no other before him. There are few certainties in this world, and among them are: Mexican food makes you poop a lot, rollerblades were never cool, Crystal Pepsi got a bum rap, and Brett Favre is a classic blue collar American. Yet people continue to somehow argue that last point, like he’d just give up on all of us and leave us behind. It offends me as a fan of football, America and Wrangler Jeans that people miscast him as this arrogant flip-flopper. Seriously, I shop at Sears because Brett tells me to. If Brett told me to buy my home appliances at the Frugal Fuhrer’s Discount Nazi Refrigerators, then I would do just that, because I trust Brett. It’s as simple as that.
And yet people want to besmirch his legacy by questioning his intentions. I mean, are we to believe that someone as innocent as Brett – clearly the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL – could ever be so selfish and egomaniacal as to hijack the sports media into devoting at least one-third of the preseason to coverage of his daily routine? What’s next, Dick Cheney purposely made sure his company Halliburton received exclusive contracts for rebuilding Iraq? Um, hello! Earth to conspiracy theorists! The only NFL quarterback diabolical enough to consider such behavior is Trent Edwards. What a glory hog that guy is!
To prove that Favre is an honest man with only the purest of intentions, I have spent the past decade working on a detailed biography of the most beloved quarterback in the history of every franchise in the NFL. I have spoken with people who knew Favre, but even more importantly I have sat down with people who have never even heard of him. Namely third world toddlers, recovering meth addicts and Alzheimer’s patients, because they are all truly the last sources of innocence in this world. The following are chapter excerpts from my forthcoming book, “The Brett Favre Story: Inside the Mind and Arm of the Greatest Human Being Ever Delivered to Parents by a Stork From Heaven.”
Chapter I: The Birth of Greatness
Brett Lorenzo Favre was born on October 10, 1969 in the town of Gulfport, Mississipi. Gulfport, of course, is world famous for three things – the birthplace of American erotica, canned pork, and Brett Favre, all of which were portrayed in the film Lucas. Brett’s parents, Jaleel and Sausalita Favre, named their son after two of their favorite people, comedienne Brett Butler and iconic television actor Lorenzo Lamas. Upon birth, Brett tried mercilessly to climb back into his mother’s womb, later holding an exclusive interview with a young Chris Mortensen and claiming that despite his eagerness to move on and accomplish things in childhood, he still felt like he had more to give to his placenta and uterine lining.
Fun Fact: When Favre was born, Jared Allen’s father’s testicles yelled, “Haha, bro! 69!”
Chapter II: Kindergarten King
Brett excelled at reading at an early age and his parents quickly enrolled him into kindergarten at the age of 4. His leadership skills were evident from the start, as he was first in line to organize Duck, Duck, Goose and Heads Up 7-Up, but his talent at all games left him without a rival. While some see this as a testament to his natural abilities, others see this as a detriment to his early conditioning. Favre never had anyone to push his competitive nature, leaving his coloring book full of line violations and sloppy color combinations. Perhaps his biggest career controversy came at the end of his kindergarten year when classmates accused him of eating paste, and eventually fingered him for using naptime-enhancing drugs. However, the accusations were deemed meritless by his teacher, Joan Madden, who often gushed over his willingness to share with opposing classmates.
Fun Fact: Brett Favre’s kindergarten finger paintings have been on display in the Smithsonian for 39 years.
Chapter IV: Entering Manhood
A typical childhood would be an understatement for Favre, who set countless records in regional and state spelling bees throughout grade school. He was revered among classmates, beloved by teachers, and swooned over by the girls. As he entered middle school, Brett was the first of his friends and peers to go through puberty. Soon after, his voice changed, causing ridicule from some and concern from others. “Could this affect Brett’s ability to throw the Nerf ball at recess,” was the question asked by Gulfport Middle School student newspaper columnist L’il Marky Schlereth. Favre was suddenly sweating more, growing hair in places that had him scared, and his beautiful, silken face was suddenly ravaged by prickly hair stubble. Perhaps most embarrassing of his problems, Brett was prone to sudden erections in the middle of class. However, that just made him a favorite of classmate Jeffrey Garcia.
Fun Fact: Brett Favre’s first wet dream was about winning the Super Bowl. The stain on his sheets was in the shape of the Lombardi Trophy.
Chapter VII: High School Hero
By his freshman year of high school, Brett had already blossomed into a local legend. Fathers would drive hundreds of miles from all corners of the South to offer the Favre family endowments in exchange for marriage to their daughters. But Brett forged ahead, making the Gulfport High School JV team as a backup. By his sophomore year, Favre expected to be promoted to varsity backup, or at least the JV starter. Neither happened due to school politics – Jaleel and Sausalita refused the marriage offer of the JV coach and his 42-year old daughter – and the Favres transferred their son to Hancock North Central High School. Brett set every Mississippi state high school football record, including games started, games won, passing touchdowns, rushing touchdowns, blindfolded touchdowns, and field goals. Favre played every position on offense throughout his high school career, including two stints as offensive coordinator. His social life was also one of legend, as he dated the head cheerleader, and together they were named Prom King and Queen. Favre later demanded a re-vote and he was named both Prom King and Queen.
Fun Fact: When Favre transferred to Hancock, Jared Allen’s father’s testicles yelled, “Haha, bro! Hancock!”
Chapter IX: A Love Lost
As you’ve read, the previous chapters of this biography have been about Brett Favre’s public life. However, when we learned of what a romantic he is, we couldn’t ignore bits of Brett’s personal life as well. Sally Druckerton was an All-American girl and Brett was her All-American love. It was simply destiny that drove the two lovers together during their senior year of high school. And on one fateful night, Brett and Sally took a drive out to Lookout Point and they became adults. Sally admitted to us in an exclusive interview that sex with Brett was full of apprehensiveness. At first he was in, then out. In, out. In, out, in, out, in, out, in, out. He just couldn’t make up his mind. Their exploits weren’t secret for long, as school news anchor Johnny Clayton launched 24-hour coverage of their torrid love affair, eventually tearing them apart. Brett went on to college, while Sally’s cervix was bronzed and enshrined in Canton last year.
Fun Fact: Brett Favre had to triple bag during sex because of his powerful emissions.
Chapter X: The College Years
While Favre’s talents had become regular dinner table talk throughout the Bible Belt, the rest of the country had no clue who this salt-and-pepper savior was. He applied for all the best colleges – Yale, Princeton, Oxford – but they all scoffed as his transcript was written in Crayon. Instead, he settled for the Harvard of Hattiesburg, Southern Mississippi University. Favre was a starter for the Golden Eagles all four years, and he earned six Heisman Trophies in that span. The Eagles won five NCAA Championships, and Favre still holds every major NCAA passing record. Some people will say that this is untrue, but there is still an ongoing investigation into a CIA cover-up of Favre’s collegiate performances, as he may have also been recruited as a Cold War spy in his high school years. It is rumored that his strong passes were used to destroy Russian spy planes. Documentation of Favre’s college statistics will not be available until 2063 due to bureaucratic red tape.
Fun Fact: The NCAA briefly considered changing the name of the Heisman Trophy to the Favre Trophy but they decided that there wasn’t a material precious enough to sculpt it from.
Chapter XV: Draft Day
While Favre’s collegiate career went mostly unnoticed, the Atlanta Falcons were greatly aware of who he was. The Falcons took Favre with the 33rd pick of the 1991 NFL Draft, but they only took him that late because every General Manager made a gentleman’s agreement that he could not be taken in the first round out of fairness to future contracts. Finally, the Falcons said, “Enough!” and they drafted their franchise QB. Favre threw very few passes for the Falcons, as a plague of LSD use disrupted the day-to-day operations of the franchise. Eventually, the pressure of having such a powerful superstar forced Atlanta’s GM to trade him to the Green Bay Packers. The move was eventually declared the “dumbest f*cking decision in history.” The trade prompted Falcons fans to boycott the franchise for eternity.
Fun Fact: The people who currently attend Atlanta Falcons games are hired actors. Notable alumnus include: Julia Roberts, Gina Gershon, Kenan Thompson, Jonathan Lipnicki and Minnie Driver.
Chapter XVI: Good Day, Green Bay
Before Brett Favre was traded to the Green Bay Packers, the state of Wisconsin had been known for absolutely nothing. In fact, from 1921 to 1992, the entire state had been accidentally omitted from the national census, despite constant reminders. Favre knew that he could help Wisconsin gain readmittance into the Union, as well as help rescue the Packers from their reputation as the worst team in professional sports history. Some may argue that the Packers were good – even possibly having a dynasty at some point – but those people are wrong. It has constantly been proven that Wisconsin historians are notorious liars.
From the beginning, Favre’s legacy in Green Bay was clear – he was an immortal god sent from the heavens. Brett was named to the Pro Bowl in his first two seasons as a Packer. He was so good that the NFL even retroactively made him a Pro Bowler in 1991 to spite the stupid Falcons and further remind them of their arrogance. With Favre leading the way, every player in Green Bay became an immediate Hall of Famer. To this day, everyone he has played with has been enshrined in Canton. Other legendary QBs would kiss his hand when in his presence. Of Favre, Joe Montana said, “Lest mine eyes know another glory, I shalt choose to never see again.”
Fun Fact: Joe Montana actually cut out his own eyeballs the first time he watched Favre play, but Favre surgically reattached them.
Chapter XVIII: A Champion is Crowned
The greatest Super Bowl that has ever been played took place in 1996 between the New England Patriots and Green Bay. The entire game was already written by Favre’s immortal destiny, as so many Super Bowl feats were conquered by Favre. Luther Vandross sang the National Anthem, written by Brett Favre’s great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, Francis Scott Key Favre. Favre threw two TD passes and ran for another score, making it the first and only Super Bowl to ever feature Brett Favre throwing for two TDs and rushing for another. Favre’s 81-yard TD pass to Antonio Freeman marked the longest touchdown pass thrown by Brett Favre and caught by Antonio Freeman in Super Bowl history. The Packers defeated the Patriots 35-21, securing the biggest victory by a Brett Favre team over a Drew Bledsoe team in Super Bowl history. While historical records state that Desmond Howard was named Super Bowl MVP, the record-smashing kick returner later admitted that he was so nervous in that game that Favre returned kicks wearing Howard’s jersey.
Favre has often said that one Super Bowl victory is all he will ever need, because his was indeed the most perfect ever. EVER.
Fun Fact: Brett sang backup vocals with Vandross, but was cut out because he was too awesome. Vandross admitted on his deathbed that he had never been closer to an angel than he was at Super Bowl XXXI.
Chapter XIX: A Thespian’s Entrance
Brett Favre has undoubtedly always been talented on the field. But it took the keen observations of two directors to know that he was also an untapped resource of acting abilities. In 1998, Peter and Bobby Farrelly cast Brett to play the quintessential male movie role for their film, There’s Something About Mary. That’s right, he was to portray… Brett Favre. The critics called them insane. Nobody – not even Brett himself – was good enough to play Brett Favre. And by God the critics were wrong. Mary was so good that more than 700 movie critics gathered in the Grand Canyon and leapt to their deaths, leaving behind one collective suicide note declaring: “Why go on when the perfect movie has been made?” The movie won every Academy Award in 1999, and Favre became the first person ever to win both Best Actor and Best Actress. To this day, only Judi Dench has come close to matching him.
Fun Fact: The Farrellys were broke and homeless when they wrote There’s Something About Mary. The film’s earnings allowed them to buy China.
Chapter XXII: Meet the Jets
In 2008, the entire front office of the Green Bay Packers became inherently evil. It is believed that Aaron Rodgers’ knowledge and practice of brainwashing led the team’s President and GM to agree to trade Favre to the New York Jets. Subsequently, everyone from the owner to the waterboy grew dark Fu Manchu beards upon Favre’s departure, and Satan was adopted as the team’s new mascot. But all became bright for the Jetropolitans. Early in the season, Favre threw six touchdowns in one game against the Arizona Cardinals. It was the first and only time that Kurt Warner acknowledged that God preferred Favre above all else. Favre completed the season with a perfect 22 touchdowns and 22 interceptions, an obvious tribute to his all-time records for TDs and INTs. However, despite his incredible consistency, Favre was stabbed in the back by the classless and thankless Jets. Literally. They stabbed him and made him play through it, much like Russell Crowe’s character in Gladiator was forced to fight the emperor with a fatal stab wound. The Jets have since been disbanded as a franchise.
Fun Fact: Speaking of Gladiator, Ridley Scott is quick to tell everyone that both Maximus and Commodus possessed traits inspired by Favre.
Chapter XXIII: Vikings Take a Liking
In 2009, Brett Favre returned to the lives of his beloved Packers fans by playing for their rivals, the Minnesota Vikings, ensuring Green Bay’s Cheeseheads that they would get to watch Favre twice that year. Perhaps no act of Favre’s has ever shown greater generosity than this. Favre threw for more than 4,200 yards and 33 touchdowns, while only throwing 7 interceptions. This was arguably his greatest season ever. No, it was unarguably THE greatest season ever. For anyone. It cannot be disproved. Favre led the Vikings to the NFC Championship Game, during which he was so good that instead of winning the game outright, he upstaged Drew Brees by leading the Saints to a huge interception that pushed the game to overtime. Favre’s turnover led to a Saints victory, thus showing that he is so great that he can win for either team that is playing.
Fun Fact: The New Orleans Saints had never won a Super Bowl until Brett Favre gave them permission to pass into Valhalla.
Chapter XXV: Retirement?
As stated at the beginning of this brief retrospect of what will certainly be the greatest biography ever written, people will fabricate news and they will spread rumors, but Brett Favre has not retired and he will not retire until the commonly accepted United States age of retirement at 65. After that, anyone wearing Favre’s jersey on a NFL field will obviously be a cyborg. If that is the case, then we should all retreat to bomb shelters because robot technology that can mirror Brett Favre’s otherworldly excellence is a terrifying ideal.
After retirement, the actual human/god Favre will attempt to be a TV analyst. Not just for the NFL, but for everything. Food Network, HGTV and DIY, The Military Channel, Oxygen, VH1’s I Love the 30s – they will all feature Favre’s perfect insight. He will continue to be the ideal pitchman for Wrangler jeans, and he will still tell us how Sears is the only place to buy appliances and power tools.
Eventually Favre will find a life in politics. He’ll become President of the United States of America by the age of 70, running as the sole member of the Immortality Party. Under Favre’s administration, we will finally see world peace. And upon the day that Favre launches all of the world’s nuclear weapons into outer space, every NFL team will retire the No. 4. So let it be written.