Fact: Taylor Lautner’s Abs Make Everything Better

By: 07.06.10  •  8 Comments

When I was 18-years-old I had the entire world by the short and curlies. As far as I was concerned, I had everything that I could ever need -a great summer job cleaning swimming pools, gas in my truck and Halo for the Xbox, yet there was still one item missing from my cache: retardedly carved out abs. Luckily for me, IMDB’s 4th most popular actor this week is Taylor Lautner, so it’s not like I’m sitting here blogging in an adult diaper, swallowing load after salty load of my own petulance or anything. Lautner turned 18 in February and on top of starring in the mega blockbuster blood sucking series True Blood, The Lost Boys, Blade, The Fast & The Furious Twilight, duder also has a stomach that apparently transforms women from adolescence to womanhood instantly. *blows into vuvuzela, yanks rope to drop curtain and reveal giant Taylor Lautner image*

Nothing teh ghey here, just keep scrolling...

These days you can’t escape the half naked torso of this guy, no matter how many times you blind yourself with urine. His abdominal muscles regularly haunt TV programs, my dreams magazine covers and billboards. Sh-t on a stick, even his go–amn doll action figure comes already topless in the box.

Okay Popular Culture, I get it. Out of all the horrible times and useless lessons we’ve learned together, your latest advice is certainly the most valuable yet. Beyonce’ says that if you like something then you should put a ring on it and although that advice is f-cking insane, with my new found insight, I would argue that if you like something then you should put Taylor Lautner’s abdominal muscles on it, raising its personal stock by 125%. No please, it’s not necessary to thank me for all of these countless hours of research. Just knowing that my parents couldn’t be prouder of their youngest son bookmarking shirtlesstaylorlautner.com on his Macintosh is reward enough for me. Thanks though.*cough* QUEER! *cough*


Quapla’! With a big boner shout out to The Mighty Feklahr, I’ve magically improved the appearance of Star Trek‘s most ass-headed race. The hair is still a little nappy, but regardless, we’ve improved that fivehead remarkably. BAM! Don’t thank me, thank the legions of green women all lining up to lick that forehead like a salt block.

Owen Luke Wilson:

Look dude, I’ve loved the sh-t out of you since Bottle Rocket and that is why I feel it my duty to be a true friend and tell you that your body is turning into a giant pink snowsuit. Thankfully Luke, you’ve got friends as sick and bored as me. Plus, my going rate is rivaled by some of L.A.’s cheapest worst most financially conscious liposuction clinics.

Steve Jobs’ iPad:

Alright, we get it Steve: you somehow managed to invent a giant cell phone that can’t even call anyone and we all still bought into it. Well, be prepared to upgrade that sh-t with creepy and shining flesh. Press on the rectus abdominis and Slayer starts playing from the iPad. Twist one of the obliques and you can check e-mail. Slap the screen seductively and earn additional points on Mafia Wars.

Wallpaper Decorations:

Because other than San Quentin State Prison inmates, who doesn’t like waking up in a room of hard abs? Decorate your kid’s room, the guest room, your basement gym, the doghouse -it doesn’t really matter when the graphic on your wallpaper is so pungent that it actually raises the humidity in the room.

Lifted Truck Grills:

Because sometimes truck nuts alone just aren’t enough. Ain’t no way any of your bros are calling you f-ggot when you pull up to the moto cross track. You’ve already dropped the cash on decals, lift kits, amplifiers and exhaust pipes -so you might as well treat your chariot to the iron strength of Taylor Lautner’s stomach. No homo.


Because “f-ck it” that’s why.

Nintendo Power Pads:

Admittedly, the Nintendo Power Pad on its own is pretty f-cking sweet, but stomping boots on Taylor’s abs like a seizuring tap dancer will burn more calories. Are you sensing a trend here with the pads theme yet? First the iPad, now here’s the Power Pad, and next all I need is a Puerto Rican boy and some money to help me jump start my maxi pad empire!

In closing, I just want to say that I’m not gay I guess life is just a little easier when you have washboard abdominal muscles, specifically those belonging to Taylor Lautner. Who’s to say that they will help get you into college, save on auto insurance or even start a band, but certainly it’s hard to deny the fact that T. Laut’s stomach looks fu-king great stuck on a Klingon, am I right? *

throws up hand for high five, no one reciprocates*

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