According to the countless hours of scientific research that I have not conducted, one could theorize that the internet users of today would much rather watch videos of sh-t blowing up than to have to endure the further unintelligible ramblings of an internet blogger. In all honesty I get it and dammit, if that’s what the people want, than that is what my man-musket shall deliver. I’m your whore, internet audience, dress me up accordingly (just be sure to include the ball gag and Nixon mask this time).
Now I’ve been around the block a few times *double snap* and I realize that the only thing better than watching sh-t blow up, is watching that same sh-t blow up, but in slow motion. And no, I’m not talking about your crappy Final Cut Pro effect, I’m talking about actual high-speed footage shot at a higher shutter speed. Still confused? Look, here’s the laymen’s ghetto-fied explanation of what I’m talking about: when you watch a film or television program and the action onscreen is moving regularly (not in slow motion), that footage is being shot at 24 frames per second (standard in America at least). What this means is that the camera is taking 24 tiny photographs every second and when your human eye looks at that footage, it reads it as “regular motion”; it takes one second for 24 frames to move past your retina. So, when something is shot at high-speed (slow motion) it means that there are more of those tiny photographs being shot every second. If it took 24 frames one second to move past your eye and you’ve just shot footage at 48 frames per second, it’s going to take that footage twice as long to travel across your eye, thus creating the illusion of slowing down.
Look, never mind anything I’ve just said, we’ve all been drinking this morning. Just take a hit from that Coke can pipe Brad Pitt built you and enjoy these videos of sh-t exploding, brah…
Like a stripper without any nipple tassels, the melon shows up to party au naturel. No accessories or flashy appendages needed here, just some plain old gunpowder crammed inside one of Mother Nature’s fruitiest of spheres. Speaking of which, Liberace totally endorses this footage. *runs sparkle fingers across eyes*
Your Mr. Potato Head:
F-ck the Slinky and f-ck Buzz Lightyear, Mr. Potato Head was built to
do keg stands be ripped apart. Shove the eyes in his ass or his mouth in his ear, because it doesn’t matter to this starchy bastard. I think it says something for a product when both a 5-year-old girl and my drunk roommate can enjoy the same concept.
Perhaps nothing better represents the heart of American childhood than
inappropriate Boy Scout adventures toy automobiles. I mainly stuck to pantyhose and lipstick, as a child, but I hear that the other kids loved these toy trucks. That’s probably why I enjoy this video so much: the golden mementos of your innocent childhood getting ruined. I’ll drink to that.
I realize how white trash this sounds, but back in high school we used to leave these on peoples doorsteps late at night. Sure we could have ripped someone’s arm off, but we were young and careless…and listening to Sugar Ray at the time. It was a confusing year for us all, both morally and sexually.
This, this I like. If I knew a foreign language, I’d tell the waiter to bring over more of whatever this is. Not too thrilled about the new wave rocker dude with the triple ear piercing at the beginning, but I can overlook that in the event that there’s exploding sh-t to soon follow.
Initially I didn’t think that watching a snowman explode would be that liberating, but if you multiply the concept by five, surprisingly its bad assness grows exponentially. It’s beautiful to watch, like nature’s own snuff film. The snowman, the lake behind him, the fire within…hmmm, sounds like the cover art for my latest romantic thriller.
That Dallas Cowboys Texas Stadium:
An oldie, but still a goodie. Regardless of your affiliation, watching any team’s stadium fall is awesome. No longer will the reign of “Mike pissed here” echo from the bathroom stall of where it was scrawled. Though technically considered an “implosion”, I technically don’t care. This rules.
A F-cking Car On The F-cking Beach:
Oh cool, so you decided to park your car on the beach? Kaboom! AMERICA, F-CK YEAH! As if watching your old girlfriend’s car explode isn’t enjoyable enough, take special note of the shock wave this thing emits. Radical bro. *80s guitar swell*
This Sh-tty Old House:
Somewhere right now, Bob Vila is railing coke off of a stripper’s stomach and no doubt reveling in the sheer awesomeness of this clip. Even he can’t discriminate against This Old House getting blow to smithereens. All I have to say is that whoever was mixing the batch in this basement, should probably reconsider meth as a profession.
School Bus With C-4:
Cue the Twisted Sister and the Natty Ice tall cans, because this bus is about to explode with radness. With only a mere 15lbs. of C-4, this vehicle gets turned into shrapnel in no time. I love this one. I could literally watch this on repeat for an hour and totally ignore the fact that I need to take a crap. It’s cool, don’t look at me like that. These Dockers are stain resistant. Now who looks like the dumbass, dumbass?
Lavish Spread of Food:
Food is for losers anyways and that’s why more people should take pride is destroying the crap out of it. Take for instance the below clip of a lavish food display. Hypoglycemic, lactose intolerant, Polish, it doesn’t matter. These explosions know no boundaries and are here for the enjoyment of everyone, kings and peasants alike.
Nearly taking the top spot, here is an exploding Christmas tree. I know that at face value that sounds pretty god-amn lame, but I can assure you that it’s not. I mean, I’m not exactly sure what I expected a Christmas tree blowing up to look like, but I definitely didn’t anticipate it looking this amazing. Screw the presents, had my parents just blown up the Christmas tree each year, they could have saved themselves thousands in the purchasing of pogs. What can I say? I was a thug when it came to Slammers.
Zabriskie Point: Final Scene -FOR THE WIN
Though considered a calamity in 1970, director Michelangelo Antonioni’s Zabriskie Point still gives me a raging slow-mo boner when it comes to explosiveness. If your lunch break won’t allow you to watch the whole thing, skip to the 2:30 mark when this great new band Pink Floyd begin to play. Not too shabby for a film whose ending was originally supposed to just be an airplane sky-writing the phrase “F-ck You, America” high above. True story. Come on MGM, why’d you make them cut that?
Honorable Mention: Scanners
I realize that I’m opening the cinematic floodgates here, but I had to include the Scanners head explosion somewhere. Though not a significantly ridiculous high shutter speed, how can I not list footage of a guys head exploding. And no, that was not a porn reference.
In closing, I guess my closing argument is that watching sh-t blow up is cool, but it gets even cooler when you film it in high-speed. Slow it down fluidly enough to where I can watch every fine detail of what is being ripped apart and I’m sold (here, have my wallet). As a final thought, I’d like to introduce everyone to my mountain Sherpa friend, Kyle. Kyle is here to remind you all that sometimes the greatest explosions in life are performed with your mouth. Wait-what?