How To ‘Sext’ Like A Coital Champion

Technology. It’s an amazing thing, isn’t it? Just saying that word makes you feel like you’ve already accomplished something productive. Its four syllables are like butter against your tongue; pronouncing them slowly is the grammatical equivalent of performing fellatio on your own vocabulary. From the development of preemptive machinery and medicines, to prognosis software and even space exploration, the human race has achieved it all in thanks to that single f–king word: technology.

But hey, here in the sexual dojo, we try not to wax sentimental over the aforementioned advancements. In here we’re more interested in the practical applications of technology, useful sh-t like the Dominos Pizza Delivery Tracker, the ShamWow!, my Nintendo DS and, most recently, the newly pioneered frontier of ‘sext’ messaging. Leave it to today’s youth to discover an entirely new technique of boning each other.

Even the ugly ones...

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, ‘sexting’ is essentially the same idea as phone sex, only you explicitly talk via text messages, instead of using that delicious smokers voice the Marlboro Man sent you. It’s a new and beautiful form of sexual interaction inspired by, but not strictly limited to, those of us who are just too damn lazy to put on pants and travel for our hookup (hookup is being used in the sexual context, not the “scoring crack” sense of the word). The possibility of getting laid tonight? Naw man, that sounds lame, I’d rather just text kinky and descriptive adjectives into the ether. What’s that? Naw dude, it’s not delivery. It’s DiGiorno, dipsh-t.

See Mom, it's like hooking up by yourself, but with the moral support of an audience. GO TEAM!

Realize though that simply because you’ve decided on turning to your cell phone’s awkward-ass keyboard for sexual gratification, it shouldn’t automatically merit a lack of effort on your behalf. Whether you’re in the dance club, Masonic Temple bar or simply in your bedroom, take some pride in your sexual fortitude. When sexting, you owe it to yourself, as well as the suitor on the other end of that device, to bring your romantic A-game. This moment in erotic cell phone history is all about you, so shine ya douche bag! Leave behind a textual legacy that future generations of dry humpers can admire. When the moment approaches, flip open that mobile and prepare yourself to serve multiple roles. No longer are you just some random leper with an outstandingly unlimited phone plan, now you’ve blossomed into a grammatical hurricane. You’re the offspring of both Ernest Hemingway and Giovanni Jacopo Casanova; howl like you’ve never howled before, you dawg, you.

Treat sexting like the German Autobahn and merge accordingly. This isn’t a scene from Tango & Cash, so it won’t be necessary for you to smash your conversational tank through any buildings today. Going from zero to “I want to [expletive] your [expletive]” will only get you arrested ignored and replaced. Take the time to actually put in the effort when sexting. Paint with those pint-sized letters like you’re f–king Michelangelo. Grab the thesaurus off that dusty shelf and find yourself six alternatives for the word “taste”. I can guarantee you multiple triple-word-scores and you won’t even have to whip out your roommate’s broken edition of Scrabble.

Subtle, poetic and charming. Well played, good sir.

Be prepared to disengage your mobile’s T9/auto-word function. T9 is not only a training wheel intended for junior high students and the spelling impaired (yours truly), but the function also lacks the nostalgia of modern day slang. Words like “fap” and “jizzhead” will only be misconstrued and awkwardly placed amongst the other verbs and nouns. Nothing kills the digital mood more than sending a sext asking, “Can I fucus your twang“. Hot, right? I know that I, for one, just finished in my biking shorts.

Perhaps nothing is more important when sexting than picking a suitable partner for your mobile escapades. It’s extremely necessary to find someone who shares your same appreciation for full batteries and notification alerts. It requires a certain level of teamwork in order to sustain interest as you hunt-and-peck through your favorite keyboard fantasies. Now not everyone is cutout to sext message for the varsity squad and you should pick your partner(s) appropriately. For example, I like messaging girls with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Not only do they understand how to really drive a point across, but in addition to sending the exact same sext eleven times, I also get to enjoy the mental image of them repeatedly slamming the fridge shut.

He's out there ladies. Just keep on the prowl.

If all goes according to plan, inevitably you’ll reach the point of no return: picture messaging. It’s the next gradual step when verbal stokes evolve into glorified photographic sexting evidence. Where it’s awfully nice to have a mobile cache of naked people on your phone, be forewarned that you’re probably going to have to give a little in order to receive. That said, you’ll need an insurance policy: always be sure to receive a scandalous photo first, before you send one out. I’m not talking blackmail here, but you’ll definitely want an insurance policy if/when your mobile relationship goes to sh-t. Ain’t no way your junk is ending up on the internets when you’re ace-in-hole is a picture of your former ‘sexter’ spread eagle lounging across their X-Box. What, did nobody else get my picture message from Christmas?

Immunity is imaginary. It doesn’t matter if you’re above the law or below it, sext messaging can affect everyone AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT! High profile or facebook profile, anything and everything sent during a sext session can come back to shake its haunting chains at you. All that stuff you mentioned about the scented candles and the David Bowie albums? Yeah, all somebody has to do is click [save] and suddenly your intimate text session is stored for bitter reflection any day of the week. Simply put, if you don’t want sexts or naked images of yourself out there, then don’t send them. But if you do? Well then call me, because it’s been scientifically proven that each time someone sends an inappropriate message to my phone, an angel gets its wings. Honest.

Where the masses may frown upon your unusual means of getting digital ass, you can smile knowing that you’re partying on the edge of the world’s sexual future. Ultimately, like with any relationship, you need to build Legos trust with those you intend to show your genitals to, whether from a cell phone or a freeway bridge. And for all my fellers out there, be sure to utilize your cell phone’s zoom capabilities, I cannot stress this enough. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned about women, it’s that they absolutely love receiving inaccurately large-sized images of your genitals. It’s the truth, people. Pass it around.

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