Everyone’s big on rehab and cleaning up your act these days, but let’s face it: drunk people are hilarious. Sure, they might seem a little pathetic and embarrassing to their friends and family, but what would you rather have, a judgy, upstanding, sober assh*le who’s there to remember all the virulently anti-Semitic comments you made the night before, or a jovial, fun-loving, pants-sh*tting clown? Screw your job and family, sh*t your pants for me, clown! I’ve had a really bad day!
The other day on the bus, I ran into a girl I knew from college. Barely three words were out of my mouth before she started apologizing. Yes, apparently she’s sober now, and she’s on whatever step of AA it is where you have to apologize for being awesome. Really? You’re sorry for being the drunken, promiscuous, life of the party? Gosh, I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive you. The point is, she’s dead to me now. But the beauty of people we know only through internet video is that they’ll never get sober. They exist forever as stumbling, slurring, microwave burrito-eating reminders that our own alcoholism isn’t that bad (or at least not that captured on video). So here they are, the best, the most famous, and the most infamous of those drunk, awesome sons of bitches.
Unfortunate DUI arrest victim Mr. Turner here makes the list not necessarily because of how drunk he was, but because of the verbal mastery with which he makes his case. A case which, at its core, seems to be, “I WAS DRANKIN’, BUT I WUNT MUTHAF*CKIN’ DRAVIN!”
The way the words explode from his mouth… it’s beautiful. Mr. Turner is better at saying “motherf*cker” than Samuel L. Jackson, and that’s no small feat. And besides, the man’s got spirit. It’s not necessarily the content of your case, it’s how much you believe it. We salute you, sir, provided you’re still alive.
JAMES BROWN (interview starts at the 46-second mark)
Sometime back in the early 90s, the Godfather of Soul was arrested for taking a knife and a lead pipe and getting medieval on his ex-wife’s car — one of his roughly 7,000 domestic disturbance arrests. Sometime after that, he showed up on TV to discuss the arrest with Blanche from Golden Girls here (*pours mint julep out on the ground*) while wearing the clear version of those giant orthopedic sunglasses for old people. He proceeds to interrupt her questions with non-sequitur song lyrics, and when she says he’s out on bail, in one of his few moments of clarity, he angrily interjects, “No I’m not. I’m out on love.” Then at the 1:43 mark, he says something that I’ll never forget, so long as I live.
“One cuminaynsaid, a cat a monkey leg. No. Nagashawn. I’m concerned because there’s nothin wrong.”
Truer word, never spoken. After that, he says to the band, “Grind ya teeth a while (HUH! GOOD GOD!)” Anyway, he would’ve been higher on this list, but I’m not convinced James Brown wasn’t like this all the time.
Once upon a time, Chuck Liddell was on a Dallas morning show to promote The 300. Wait, why was Chuck Liddell promoting The 300? Chuck Liddell wasn’t in The 300. Can you explain this to us, Chuck?
“Yeah mmm-hmmm… *mumble, mumble* Tommy Morrison zzzzzzzz.”
Wait, what the hell did he just say about Tommy Morrison? The world may never know. I think Dana White shot him with a tranq gun before he went out there to keep him from beating up this tool of an interviewer. “These spartans, they were kind of like the ultimate fighting machines of the olden days, am I right, Chuck?”
To be fair, you would have to be half asleep to not answer that question with at least a mild bitch slap. At least. I mean this is America.
From his DUI arrest to uh, his other DUI arrests (not to mention the time he headbutted a fashion designer), Kiefer Sutherland has had a long and storied career as an awesome alcoholic. But I’ll always remember him most for the time he said “That would explain everything,” and promptly tackled into a Christmas tree. He may not be the drunkest on this list, but he’s the drunk I’d most want to hang with. He’s the kind of drunk whose life may be spiraling out of control, but you can’t let him quit for fear that he’d be no fun. “So… You’re just going to sit there and let that mailbox talk sh*t to you, huh? And you’re not going to do anything about it? Whatever, man. Just seems unlike you is all.”
He gets extra credit for this picture. I looked at it many times before I realized that thing on his pants isn’t a belt buckle but a carnation, and that he’s got a cigarette in both hands, which is a wise choice. It helps to have a cigarette in each hand in case you want a cigarette and forget that you’re already holding one.
You knew this was going to be on the list, but I couldn’t very well leave it off, could I? Anyway, here’s David Hassellhoff with his condescending bitch of a daughter acting like she never eats floor burgers. Well la di da, your majesty. Anyway, it’s a good thing she filmed him and embarrassed him in front of the entire world so that he could see what how pathetic he looked and finally learn the error of his ways. How’d that work out for you, again? Oh look, here he is a year later at the European Music Awards:
Sober as a judge. See how he denied responsibility for the Berlin Wall coming down? I think that’s step four. Get filmed eating floor burgers, admit that you have a problem, find your higher power, and recognize that you did not, in fact, end communism in Eastern Europe. My uncle always had trouble with that one.
DRUNK FLIP FLOP GUY AT COACHELLA
Chances are you’ve seen this one by now too, and that’s because it deserves to be seen. Watch it again. The part at the 42-second mark where he finally gets both sandals on, then takes a second to collect himself and adjust his sunglasses, only to then lose both sandals again immediately upon trying to stand is better than sex. That one moment of unintentional slapstick is as good as anything the Three Stooges ever came up with. If nothing else, you have to admire the guy’s persistence. Drunk as he may be, he’s not about to walk around this music festival without his god d*mned sandals. Sandals are what separate us from the animals.
It doesn’t appear to be windy, yet this man is afflicted with a form of drunk so powerful, he’s left incapable of walking forward. I’d also like to stress that based on the shadows, it can’t be later than one or two in the afternoon. Then he knocks over a fence. Again, you couldn’t write that into a Three Stooges sketch. Even in the Vaudeville days, it wouldn’t have been believable. Quit hamming it up there, guy, people would say. But I believe this is in Australia, and you know what they say. The drunks flow backwards over there.
MUGSHOT EDITION: RIP TORN AND NICK NOLTE
These mugshots deserve their own spots on the Hollywood walk of fame. The pictures really speak for themselves, but for the record, Nolte’s came after a 2002 arrest for drunk driving. He also tested positive for GHB, the date rape drug. Not only did he decline to go to rehab afterwards like so many of these Hollywood p*ssies, of GHB he reportedly said, “I’ve been taking it for four years and I’ve never been raped.” I like to imagine he then added, “I snorted three lines of GHB in the bathroom a second ago. You wanna try to rape me? Go ahead, try,” and then gestured wildly with a buck knife.
Rip Torn? He broke into a bank carrying a loaded gun, then took his hat and boots off and promptly fell asleep. Because he thought the bank was his house, you see. But hey, we all like to sow our wild oats in our youth– wait, what? He was 78 years old at the time? God I hope I’m that awesome when I’m 78. If I have to crap my pants, I at least want it to be on my terms, and because of alcohol.
NOLTE: Yeah, I’m wearing the Hawaiian shirt and my sweatpants with the draw string so I look extra nice for your momma.
RIP TORN: Not if I plug you in the back with the Derringer I keep in my boot.
NOLTE: Pff, a Derringer. Fella thinks he’s gonna scare me with a Derringer.
RIP TORN: (*shoots Nolte in the chest*)
Nothing more perfectly sums up what it’s like to be wine drunk like Orson Welles in these outtakes from a 1970s Paul Masson wines commercial. Welles sits there with his eyelids at half staff, his eyeballs focusing and unfocusing, spinning in their sockets independently of each other like a chameleon. Then the director pokes him with a stick, and he can’t seem to control the volume or cadence of his voice. He starts out loud and manic, but quickly fades into unintelligible mumble. AAAAHH the Frenchhhh champaignesshshh jadfsllk;adfsl…. If you don’t laugh at that sequence, you’re already dead. He got fired from the spokesman gig a few years later after he admitted on a talk show that he’d never drunk Paul Masson wines, but it sure looks like he was dipping into the stash here. Maybe he didn’t remember?
CONVENIENT STORE DRUNK GUY
A person would have to do something drastic to knock this guy out of the top spot. Let’s review.
- It’s 10 am.
- On a Tuesday.
- He’s buying beer.
- He’s already so drunk that he cannot stand.
Of course, these sober facts don’t do any justice to the style and panache with which he attempts to complete this mission. The style is somewhere between Hunter Thompson’s man in the depths of an ether binge, and Vincent D’onofrio’s portrayal of the giant bug who’s uncomfortably inside his human shell in Men in Black. Another factor in his holding the top spot on the Awesome Internet Drunk Hall of Fame is what amazing remix material his debut video has proven to be.
The convenient store drunk guy silent film remix
The convenient story drunk guy video game remix
Drunkest Guy Ever Blaster Battle – Watch more Funny Videos
“Dude, what are you doing.”
“Me? Jusssht partyin’. (*falls through table*)”
Anyway, kudos to you, sir. You maybe a complete embarrassment to all your loved ones, but you’ve made me a happy man, and that’s what’s important here.