Every year, Barbara Walters picks her list of “most fascinating people.” Hard to say how the old broad comes up with the list, considering half of them are people whose names by all rights she shouldn’t even know, let alone be fascinated by (in case you missed it, Kate Middleton, Justin Bieber, the Jersey Shore cast, Sandra Bullock, Betty White, Sarah Palin, Jennifer Lopez, David Petareus, and Mark Zuckerberg). My closest guess is that she rips a huge bong load and watches E! on the crapper (Really? Kate Middleton? B*tch, how high are you?).
In any case, the last thing we need is a list making more random people more famous. More celebrities?! We now have a reality show about meter maids for God’s sake!
So I compiled this list, a random jackass’s (me) guide to random jackasses. People who, despite managing a fair degree of fame, are not very fascinating. These aren’t people everyone hates, like Nancy Grace or the Gosselins, mind you, because I would argue an emotion as strong as hate requires a reptilian-brain fixation that one could argue is somehow related to “fascination.” There’s a certain je ne sais quois to someone truly unfascinating, a quality that’s hard to put your finger on, like a hot stove. Not to turn this into a sociology thesis, but the people on this list are the kind of people who, even if their lives depended on it, couldn’t fascinate their way out of a paper bag. At the risk of over-explaining, if bricks were the ability fascinate, these f*cks would be hammocks.
10. The Jonas Brothers
This is not a knee-jerk reaction against celebrities created by the Disney Channel, though they are soulless pedophiles. This is more a reaction against the fact that the Jonas Brothers have supposedly been some of the biggest celebrities on Earth for like four years now and I still have no idea what any of their songs sound like. Even with Justin Bieber I could hum a bar or two (that “baybay, baybay, baybay…” song, that’s him, right?). As far as I’m concerned, they’re just incredibly popular Mervyn’s mannequins.
True story: the Jo-Bros played in a series of celebrity softball games this year for charity. The cause? “X the TXT”, a campaign to raise awareness about the dangers of text messaging while you drive. That, my friends, is the perfect opposite of fascinating.
9. Kristin Stewart
It’s a tough draw for KStew. She’s already playing with a severe handicap here on account of being the lead in Twilight, a role which, as originally written, requires her to do little more than be a hollow vessel into which pre-pubescent girls and lonely menopausal cat ladies can insert their own personality while Stephenie Meyers describes the way the afternoon light plays off Edward Cullen’s muscular, sparkling vampire pubes for another 1200 pages. That said, it’s hard to deny that she plays the hollow vessel well (she even added a sheen of sullen awkwardness!). It might be another sad case of an actor who went too method.
8. Sammi from Jersey Shore
This list would be a thousand people long if I got deep into cable reality shows. Do you realize we now have TWO SEPARATE SHOWS dedicated to guys who buy abandoned storage spaces for a living? Gypsies are glamorous now? And I thought the meter maid program was a new low! I digress. Point being, I had to limit this list to reality shows that actually have an impact on mainstream culture. Yeah, it’s a bit arbitrary, but no one wants to read a list about Bravo shows, not even the Millionaire Matchmaker’s mother.
Right, Sammi. Sammi has the dubious distinction of being the only person on this list who also made old Barb’s list of Most Fascinating People. This only supports my thesis: Barbara Walters is super high, all the time. To understand the Jersey Shore phenomenon, all you really need know is that people got so tired of watching reality show performers from different walks of life argue with each other, that to see a group of homogeneous retards run around getting drunk and screwing was in its way refreshing. (Remember when The Real World devolved into finding sheltered 20-year-olds to fight about gay marriage? Jesus that was horrible). But in a show that alternates between cute funny, stupid funny, and pathetic funny, Sammi distinguished herself by not having a single thing come out of her mouth that was in any way remotely interesting. She’s not so much a guido as she is a hollow shell of a guido that you put in your yard to scare away hippies. Sammi’s so vapid that if she goes to a store with auto-sensing doors, she has to bring a friend or else they won’t open.
7. Josh Duhamel
Josh Duhamel. Star of Transformers 2, Life as We Know It, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, When in Rome, TV‘s Las Vegas, and many more. This guy’s super handsome, was in five movies this year, is married to Fergie, and they still can’t sell him as a legitimate box office draw. Even among the cast of Life As We Know It he stood out as particularly unfascinating, and that movie had Katherine Heigl and Josh Lucas.
6. Zac Efron
The most interesting thing I can say about Zac Efron is that he has a way of making me feel like I’m looking at gay porn even when it’s just a picture of him in a suit. He’s kind of fruity but not gay, kind of dates sort of famous chicks, and doesn’t drink, do drugs, or Scientology. He’s in movies, but mostly the kind you wouldn’t see anyway and thus can’t even register as annoying. What does he even do for fun? Assh*le probably plays racquetball.
5. Will Smith
The Smiths are like that family that every Christmas compiles a newsletter that regales the reader with stories of all the things they’ve accomplished over the past year — “Janie went to the snow last Wednesday! Billy decided he likes peas!” — and mails it to everyone they’ve ever known, even people they met at the DMV. Here’s a great example of the kind of stories Will Smith tells at press junkets:
TOKYO (AFP) – Hollywood star Will Smith said he advised his 12-year-old son Jaden to keep his lips closed in a screen kiss in the remake of “The Karate Kid”, warning him that otherwise he would “look like a whale”.
“Try not to keep your mouth open,” is what Smith, who produced the movie, advised his son — although he added that it was his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, who first gave him the tip during shooting of the 2008 film “Seven Pounds”.
On the big screen, “if you open your mouth too much, you look like a whale,” Smith told a Tokyo press conference Thursday.
“It kind of looks like you’re trying to eat the person instead of kissing them,” he added before demonstrating his message by locking lips with his wife.
Jaden drew laughs when he cheekily replied to his dad: “I think it would be a good idea to keep your mouth shut.”
Smith said shooting the movie was a character-building experience for his son, telling the press conference: “Jackie and I really viewed this time with Jaden as essentially to teach him how to hunt.
“This was not just about making a movie or about becoming an actor. This was about becoming a respectable positive young man that has value to the world. In order to do that, you can only do that through blood, sweat and tears.” [AP]
His name is Will, and he has a daughter named Willow. His wife’s name is Jada, and they have a son named Jaden. Yes, they have a child-naming gimmick. That is everything you need to know about them.
4. Judah Friedlander
If you saw American Splendor seven years ago, you probably thought, “Wow, that Judah Friedlander, great actor. Definitely going places.” (And it’s true, he was great in that).
Fast-forward to today, and Judah Friedlander is the member of the 30 Rock cast known for… uh, wearing hats with words on them. Sometimes he also does bit parts in comedy movies, in which he usually plays… a guy who wears hats with words on them. This year he went on a book tour, doing interviews on just about every talk show of note. And do you know what that rascal did? You guessed it, he wore hats with words on them. Never before has a person so thoroughly refused to deviate from a paper-thin shtick no one really understood in the first place.
3. Sam Worthington
I was telling a friend that I was compiling this list and pitched a few names. I said “Sam Worthington,” and this friend, who watches one or two movies a week, asked, “Who’s Sam Worthington?” Only the lead actor in the highest-grossing film of all time, not to mention star of Terminator Salvation and Clash of the Titans. That he still manages to be unknown sort of says it all. Sam Worthington collects two things, once-in-a-lifetime movie roles and blank stares from people who think he looks sorta familiar. Hey, I know you. Did we go to space camp together?
2. Jon Cryer
Jon Cryer is so unfascinating that I could’ve named this list the Jon Cryer awards. This guy played Duckie in Pretty in Pink, a role so memorable it was still being parodied well into the aughts. He’s one of the only John Hughes actors who worked more or less consistently from the 80s until now. He was in Hot Shots. He earns more than half a million per episode of Two and a Half Men. Yet if he quit tomorrow, they could put a brown wig on a Teddy Ruxpin and shoot six more seasons and no one would notice. (That probably says more about Two and Half Men‘s audience, but still).
Jesus, man, get a drug problem already. Stability is a terrible spectator sport.
1. Colin Hanks
…And still champion! Congratulations, Colin Hanks. I feel that this choice needs no explanation.
HONORABLE MENTION: Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin, Gavin Rossdale, Nick Cannon, Ryan Seacrest, Billy Bush, the Real Housewives of every city, Katherine Heigl, Pete Sampras, everyone from The View, Perez Hilton, Jerry Bruckheimer, Andrew Zimmern, Jared Fogel, Joe Buck, Nancy Pelosi, Brett Ratner, Eli Manning, Miley Cyrus, Shepard Smith, Phil Mickelson, and of course, bloggers.