When Should You Use A Taser?

There is a popular series of videos on the Interweb that has a person demonstrating a blender on steroids. The  videos tests the limits of the blender by putting in various objects and asking the now famous catchphrase “Will It Blend?” Obviously there is no need for anyone to ever blend expensive electronics as we are pretty sure it would taste like crap afterward, but it is useful to show how the blender could be used.


The folks who make the Taser also produce a fairly useful product. Unlike the blender folks though they do not seem to have the same kind of marketing savvy. We have been unable to find any definitive guides as to when you should use the various Taser products. So to that end we present you with our guide on proper use of the Taser in various real life situations.

This list is not comprehensive by any means but it should give you a good idea on when to zap someone with the  50,000 volts the Tasers are capable of putting out. Tasers allow you to get up close and personal with the handheld model or nail someone from up to 20 feet with a model that shoots darts. They also come in various colors so you can be stylish while inflicting searing painful shocks.

Neuromuscular incapacitation does not have to be boring.

Sometimes though the trouble maker does something weird, like run away. in this case you might be interested in the  Taser bullet which totally looks like something Wile E. Coyote would have ordered from the Acme company. This little gem not only shocks the victim bad guy but if he reaches to remove it, it will shock his hands when he touches it. Taser is currently working on a more advanced model that will also kick you in the balls.

We think the temptation to use something this awesome will be too much for most people.

Whatever model you decide on though you should first refer to our handy chart below before attempting to use it.

1. A 10 year old boy.

In Indiana police were called to a daycare when calls came in reporting a disturbance. When they arrived at the Tender Teddies Daycare they found that the offender was a 10 year old boy who was reportedly out of control. He was being neither tender or a teddy. The two seasoned officers assessed the situation carefully and acted.

Do You Tase?

Hell yes.

Turns out the little hellion wasn’t any normal little boy.  This kid was apparently 94 pounds. The average 10 year old only weighs about 70 pounds. It is apparent that this kid was some kind of crazed gigantic mutant child.

Its either you or them, make your choice.

When faced with something like that its obvious that two fully grown trained professionals would have no choice but to tase him into submission. A time out was just not going to be as effective as 50,000 volts in this case.

2. A pregnant mother.

In Seattle police pulled over a car suspected of speeding. When the woman driving pulled over and dropped her daughter off at school the officers cited her for speeding and asked her to sign the ticket. She refused and told them she was seven months pregnant.

Do You Tase?

Did you catch the part where we told you she was a mother and pregnant? It’s a well known fact that mothers are capable of feats of superhuman strength when they get excitable. For instance there is the story of these two moms who lifted a 1 ton car off of a one year old in England – and these women weren’t even pregnant.

Don't make them angry. You wouldn't like them when they are angry.

Given this knowledge it’s no wonder that the police officers in this case decided that the best course of action would be to tase the woman three times. The court later agreed that this was the right thing to do, maybe because the taser was set on stun. We didn’t know that the Taser had any other setting, but it’s good to know you have a choice when using it.

3. Little old lady.

In Travis County Texas a police officer pulled over a car for a traffic violation. When the 72 year old great grandmother stepped out of the vehicle, a dispute ensued and the officer had to decide what to do.

Do You Tase?
Of course.
Not only was this woman a mother (see above) she was also a senior citizen, another known category of dangerous individuals. You know who else were senior citizens? Fidel Castro, commie super villain – 84 years old. Alan Greenspan, destroyer of American economy – also 84 years old. Stalin creator of the evil empire, USSR – 74 years old when he died.
The woman that the cop pulled over was only 72 years old so the cop needed to be extra careful.

Senior citizens will straight jack you up yo.

The fact that she was about two feet shorter than the officer should not give you a false sense of security. She was plenty feisty and who knows what she was going to pull next. Yes, she seemed to have gone down rather easily but you can’t be too careful.

4. Person in wheelchair.

Cops in California responded to a domestic disturbance call and when they arrived they found a man in a wheelchair who was apparently the center of the problems. The cops say that the man refused to cooperate and hand over his two year old daughter to the social workers.

Do You Tase?
The question is why wouldn’t you tase?
This guy was obviously a danger to everyone around him. Let’s start with the fact that he was in a wheelchair. You know what else has wheels? Cars, and they are responsible for over 40,000 deaths in America. This guy was basically sitting on a loaded gun.

Pretty much the same thing we figure.

Also consider that just because he was in a wheelchair doesn’t necessarily mean he was helpless. The cops probably heard about this guy who wheeled his ass around the world. Knowing full well the power of cars and wheelchair bound people the officers had to be doubly careful with this guy.
So there you have it, our primer for proper Taser use. As with all forms of technology it’s important to be well informed and taking your cues from the professionals who have been trained. Otherwise you risk  looking like an idiot who shouldn’t be trusted with any kind of authority because you’re probably bound to abuse it by making ridiculous decisions.

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