AMANDA BEARD PROBABLY WORKS OUT
BARF

KILL ME NOW

By / 12.17.07

I just read the lede to an MTV article about Poopeater McSucksalot and it gave me a nervous tic.

A modern movie hero who doesn’t curse, doesn’t use slang, who doesn’t drink or smoke or visit saloons, who believes in God and country and a strict moral code, who only uses guns when he has to, and even then never shoots to kill? The American West is about to get a dose of reserved cowboy justice, as super producer Jerry Bruckheimer has confirmed to MTV News that he’s developing a “Lone Ranger” series of films.

Reserved… Cowboy… Justice.  Wow.  I can’t wait to see a polite Southern Gentleman conquer terrorism with hospitality and apple pie.  And of course the help of his cheerfully non-uppity Native American sidekick, Tonto (which means stupid in Spanish.  Coincidence? Not anymore.).   

Good thing JB has experience with heroes who don’t curse or use slang. And let’s not forget his strict, real-life moral code (you know, the one that says “always have a lowly assistant pick up your cocaine for you").

One time I saw him knock up 14-year-old, then punch her in the stomach until she miscarried.  And then he ate the stillborn.  True story. 


TAGSJERRY BRUCKHEIMERLONE RANGERPEOPLE I WOULD FIGHT

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