OH YEAH, THERE WAS FOOTBALL LAST NIGHT
TSS PRESENTS FIFTEEN MINUTES WITH SAUL WILLIAMS

NEW TRAILERS: ASLAN IS ON THE MOVE

By / 12.07.07

Holy new trailers, Batman! I combined them into one post, for your viewing pleasure (click on the title link to watch the trailer).

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
So far, the only good thing about the Chronicles of Narnia franchise in my mind is commenter Charlie Bronze’s introduction of “Aslan is on the move” into the lexicon as a euphemism for needing to take a dump.  I don’t see this chapter changing that.  If, five years ago you’d told me I’d be this tired of talking lions, I would’ve called you a liar and a son of a bitch.  For that I hypothetically apologize.

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People 
"Based on the bestselling memoir by Toby Young, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People follows a disillusioned British intellectual named Sidney Young (Simon Pegg) who both adores and despises the world of celebrity, fame and glamour. Young is offered a job at the diametrically opposed conservative New York City based Sharps magazine, and he soon becomes the talk of the town. Thus begins Sidney’s descent into success – his gradual move from derided outsider to confidante of starlet Sophie Maes (Megan Fox) – and a love affair with colleague Alison Olsen (Kristen Dunst), that will either make him or break him." 

Gillian Anderson is supposedly in this as well.  She’s not in this trailer, so I can’t tell whether she looks as good today at age 73 or however old she is as she did when X-Files was big.

Penelope
Somehow they got James McAvoy, Reese Witherspoon, and Christina Ricci to be in an independent movie about a pig-faced girl.  It also stars it-dwarf Peter Dinklage (worst porno name ever).  It’s so pessimistic to think that this chick wouldn’t have any friends just because of her nose. I think I speak for all the men here when I say pig nose schmig nose, as long as her tits are huge.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
Finally!  An Uwe Boll movie with Jason Statham in it!  Like all Uwe Boll movies, it is based on a video game.  Like all Uwe Boll movies, I won’t see it but will nevertheless conclude that it sucks and that he is both a terrible filmmaker and a worse human being, and he will still bitch out and refuse to fight me. With John Rhys-Davies narrating, I feel like I’m watching an episode of Sliders.  I think I’d rather watch an episode of Sliders.  And hey, did Ray Liotta lose a bet?

National Treasure 2, Extended Trailer
More world landmarks!  More clay forehead!  Seriously though, don’t watch it.

Funny Games
"In this provocative and brutal thriller from director Michael Haneke, a vacationing family gets an unexpected visit from two deeply disturbed young men. Their idyllic holiday turns nightmarish as they are subjected to unimaginable terrors and struggle to stay alive."

Hey, who doesn’t like torture porn, right?  (2-15-08)

4 Months, 3 Weeks, & 2 Days
Winner of the Palme D’Or at Cannes (which I think is French for “Doesn’t Suck”), this Romanian film deals with an illegal abortion.  Reminds me of the time my friend told me he’d knocked a girl up and I said, “So, is she gonna (vacuuming sound with my mouth)?”

And he said, “No, she’s keeping it.”

“Oh.  Uh, congratulations.”  It was awkward.

 


TAGSabortionCHRONICLES OF NARNIAsimon peggTORTURE PORNTRAILER

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